Right at eight, there’s a knock at the front door. I freeze, lip-gloss halfway to my mouth. “I’ll go,” Delilah grins, and thunders downstairs. “Hello, big shot,” I hear her greet him, opening the door.
I swallow back my nerves and quickly finish my makeup. It’s just a simple coat of mascara and some concealer to hide the shadows under my eyes, but I still feel like I’m all dressed up, wearing a pretty blue sundress and my denim jacket. As a rumble of conversation comes from below, I can’t help flashing back to that New Year’s Eve. How I pulled my clothes on and slipped downstairs with my heart pounding and my skin tingling with anticipation. Everything before then I could pretend was an accident, just a simple twist of fate. That was the first time I made a clear choice. That I wanted this.
Wanted him.
Now I feel it all over again as I head downstairs. Finn is waiting by the door, and just the sight of him makes my stomach do a slow flip. Damn, he looks good in that pale blue button-down with jeans, so casual and hot. His hair is slicked back and there’s nothing to hide the intensity in his eyes. I feel them on me, drinking me in, and I have to look away and focus on putting one foot in front of the other so I don’t lose my balance and land face-first at his feet.
“Hi,” I gulp, reaching the bottom of the stairs.
“Hey.”
I look up, and get the full force of his sexy smile. All my dreams of self control fly right out the window.
He looks too good to be true.
“Now you kids behave.” Delilah grins, clearly enjoying her moment as the responsible adult in this picture. “Stay out late, go crazy, and don’t have her back by midnight.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Finn salutes, then holds the door open for me. “Ready?”
I inhale in a rush. Nowhere close, but it’s too late to turn back now. My feet are moving like they have a mind of their own, my body revealing what it wants, even as my mind wrestles with the truth. I nod, and step outside.
Finn’s car is parked out front, and he opens the door for me. “Thanks,” I almost whisper, sliding inside. It’s a warm night, and the windows are down, but I’m wound too tight to enjoy the scenery as he drives us out of town.
“I heard about a new seafood place up the coast.” Finn glances over. “I thought we could try it, if you want.”
I nod, fixing my gaze out of the window so I can’t focus on how good he looks beside me in the driver’s seat, the strong line of his jaw backlit by the dusk light. The miles slip past, until we’re cruising up the coastal road, the ocean waves crashing against the cliffs below.
I can’t relax. How did it happen, this distance between us? One moment, I feel like I know him better than anyone in the world, and then, like the tides changing, a ripple of current tugging in the other direction, he’s suddenly a stranger to me again. It’s like there are two versions of the both of us sitting right here in this car: the people we were five years ago, and the Finn and Eva we are now today. Neither of those shadows are willing to dissolve away completely. They’re just lingering out of sight, haunting every new moment or word as ghosts of old love, forever reminding us of everything that came before.
Will I ever be able to let go of the past and just exist in the moment? Finn seems like he’s free, moving on without a backward glance, so maybe I’m the only one who feels the shadow of every kiss we shared, every soft, sweet moonlit word echoing through the years, keeping me trapped in this limbo – half a heart in the past, the other half grappling with our uncertain present.
Finn’s voice comes through my thoughts. “Are you going to give me the silent treatment all night? Because I hoped we would get a chance to talk.”
My head snaps around. “I’m not…” I start to protest, flushing. I try to explain, but my words stick in my throat. “Not.” I struggle again to speak, but it’s like the link between my brain and mouth is broken, and nothing but air comes out.
No. My panic rises. Not this time.
“I mean… I… I… ” I fight for the words, wanting so desperately to be cool and relaxed, but it only makes it worse. In an instant, I’m six years old again, grasping for sound, unable to get what I’m saying out while everyone laughs and whispers behind my back.
Please, I beg the universe. Please don’t do this to me.
Shame hits, hard, prickling hot on the surface of my skin. I desperately try to bite back the tears. What must he think of me, stammering away like an idiot in the middle of a simple conversation?
“Hey,” With one eye on the road, Finn reaches out and takes my hand. “Eva, what’s wrong?”
I know I shouldn’t, but just his touch is a ray of light through the whirl of darkness and confusion. I grip his hand tightly, my anchor to dry land. My speech therapist always said I just need to relax and take a deep breath when this happens, that more stress only made it worse. But relaxing is impossible when he’s so close, when I want so badly to seem like he doesn’t affect me at all.