“Let’s just get out of here,” he said, opening the passenger door. He threw his backpack in before him.
I got in on my side. I could feel the tears right there, just beneath the surface, but he held them in. I held mine in too. I had to. It was my job to be strong for Sam. If he wanted to cry, so be it, but I couldn’t afford the luxury. At least not in front of him. For now, I was still all he had. Jackson wasn’t on the scene, just me. If I couldn’t hold it together and be strong, who would?
But it was so hard.
“This has to stop, sweetie. I have to talk to the school again.”
“No,” he insisted.
“But they’ll help, honey.”
“They’ll make it worse.”
“They’ll look out for you.”
He started crying, and it broke my heart to hear the pain in his voice. He was so strong, so brave. He was trying to hold back the tears but he couldn’t quite manage it. If only I could take that pain from him and suffer it myself. I’d have given my life to take that pain away from him.
“It’s my problem,” he said. “They think I’m weak, but I’m not. I can take this. And I don’t need you to speak to my teachers.”
“They’re bullies, Sam. We owe it to the rest of the students to stand up to them.”
“Please, mom,” Sam begged. “I know you want to help, but I need to figure this out for myself.”
I shook my head. What was he talking about? Was that really the way kids saw the world? I couldn’t understand it. Maybe it was a guy thing. For months I’d been begging him to let me speak to his school, and for months he’d been resisting. The one time I went behind his back and spoke to them, it only made matters worse. They said there wasn’t much they could do without Sam’s cooperation, but Sam wouldn’t speak to them. I lost it. I lashed out at the principal, but none of it helped Sam.
Looking at him, I realized he was so similar to his father. I hadn’t ever thought about it before, I’d shied away from thinking of Sam and Jackson together because I didn’t know if Jackson was coming back. Now that he’d returned, I realized that the same stubbornness that led Jackson on a twelve year protective killing spree, was flowing through Sam’s veins too. It made perfect sense.
I shook my head. I’d tried everything, but Sam didn’t want any of it. When I took him out of school and kept him home, he’d fought me so hard I’d been in tears when I brought him back. He was convinced this was something he had to deal with by himself. He didn’t want me protecting him from it. He didn’t want me interfering. He made me bring him back to school, and I promised him I’d step aside and let him deal with it his way.
Wasn’t that what Jackson would do?
That had been six months ago. He tried his best to hide the bullying from me, but when I saw it, it was heartbreaking. How could kids be so cruel? How could their parents allow them to be that way?
I put my hand on his lap as I drove. He took hold of my hand.
“We’re going to a movie tonight,” I said.
“Really?”
“Yes. And then we’re going for sundaes.”
“Mom. You don’t have to spoil me.”
“I’m not spoiling you. It’s for me as much as it is for you. We both deserve a treat, once in a while.”
“Want to eat popcorn for dinner?” he said.
I looked at him. I knew he was being strong for my benefit as much as his own. Eleven years old and he was already more of a man than some guys ever got.
“Oh, we’ll eat popcorn, but not for dinner. For dinner, we’re going to Harry’s.” Harry’s was Sam’s favorite diner.
“Mom, stop looking after me.”
“Stop looking after you? Do you know it’s my job to look after you?”
“I’m almost twelve years old mom.”
“So?”
“So that means I’m almost a man.”
I pulled into the Harry’s parking lot, stopped the car, and hugged my little son so hard I thought I might crush him. “You’re absolutely right, you know. You are a man. You’re a fine young man. But you’re also my baby, and you always will be, even when you’re six feet tall. And I’ll always look after you.”
He hugged me back so tight I felt his little arms quiver. Why did God give us something we loved this much? It was almost unbearable. I felt as if my heart would break if those little assholes at his school hurt him one more time.
“All right,” he said. “Let’s get some burgers. We can put this day behind us.”
Chapter 36
Jackson
“I DON’T WANT TO KNOW where you disappeared to last night,” Grant said.
I looked at him but I didn’t answer.
“I know that look, Jackson.”
“You don’t know shit, Grant.”