Hate To Love You

All in all, I was content when Sunday night came around.

I was back on my course for college. No drama, and I’d studied, studied, studied.

My studies were done. All the chapters were read and highlighted. I went the extra mile and created a second set of notes. I was getting this studying thing down pat, and I was sure by the time the first exams rolled around that I’d get all A’s.

My four-year plan was done, too. I created an extensive class schedule over the weekend that spanned the rest of my college years. If everything went accordingly, I could receive a major in either of the two degrees with a minor in the one I didn’t choose. A psychology major combined with a business minor, or the other way around, equaled my being prepared for life.

It never hurt to be too prepared. There was no such thing.

I had it all figured out.

Type-A, that was my new personality. I was acing it.

I was in my dorm room, printing off my weekly planner for the next five days when Kristina knocked on the door. She poked her head around. “Hey-a.”

I waved her in. “Missy’s in Holly’s room.”

She shut the door and dropped into Missy’s desk chair. “Does she ever leave there?”

“She was here Friday afternoon.” And again that evening. The party happened, but not for her or Holly’s cousin. Holly got an invite from the library front desk clerk and ditched both of them. I’d been hoping they would head to Holly’s room to watch movies, but no dice. They stayed, and Missy enjoyed retelling the story of how I told Casey to “sod off.” Those were Missy’s words, not mine.

“And speaking of Friday . . .” Kristina hugged the back of Missy’s desk chair, letting one of her arms hang loose. “Did you ditch Casey and Laura?”

I frowned. “Is that what she’s saying?”

“She’s saying she asked you to go out, and you shut the door in her face.”

“That’s half-truth, half-exaggeration.”

Kristina’s mouth dropped open. “You shut the door in Casey’s face? I thought she was joking.”

“She wanted me to be their backup in case they needed a ride.” I snorted, taking the pages from my printer. “I might keep to myself, and I might be focused on my studies, but I’m not a loser. And I’m not anyone’s option B for the night. I said no thank you, wished her a good night, and told her I’d see her later. Then I shut the door.” I paused a second. “I might not have said all that in that order, but yes, she was technically still standing there when I shut the door.”

“She’s pissed.”

I didn’t care, but I kept that tidbit to myself. I didn’t think it’d make the situation better.

No, that wasn’t true. I did care, but then I thought about how the night would’ve gone. I’d take them there. They’d probably ditch me. Then I’d be expected to be around in case they needed a ride home.

If I had to come off as a bitch, then so be it. It was better than getting walked all over. No one was there for you when that happened.

“Did you finish all your studies this weekend?”

“No. We’re going to the library. I was going to ask if you wanted to come.”

I didn’t say anything, waiting for her to explain who else was going.

She chuckled, shaking her head. “Casey’s going to be there, and she’s probably going to have a few words to say to you.”

I was going to decline, but then I heard someone coming to the door. Both Kristina and I turned, waiting for the door to open. It didn’t. Instead, my roommate’s muffled voice said to someone else, “I don’t know. I think she’s in the computer lab downstairs.” She laughed as the doorknob started to twist. “It isn’t like she has a life.”

She opened the door and took one step inside.

Her eyes went to Kristina first, and then her head rotated like a robot’s to me.

I narrowed my eyes. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t heard that before.

Holly stepped behind Missy, and my roommate’s face drained of color. “Uh . . .”

I stood and spoke stiffly, “I’m going to the library.”

She seemed to be holding her breath. The air was strained and awkward. Kristina moved around them as if she were tiptoeing past a mouse, one that scared the crap out of her. Holly’s hands rested on my roommate’s shoulders, and I could feel both of them share a look as I stuffed my backpack with my laptop and books.

“Um.” Holly coughed, an uneasy laugh stuck in her throat. “Kenz, hey—”

I pulled on the bag’s zipper harder than I needed, cutting her off. Slinging it on my shoulder, I turned back around and narrowed my eyes. I ignored Holly, only having words for my roommate. “I don’t have to explain myself to you or why I’m alone at times, but if you think you can laugh at me, you’re delusional. Tell me one thing. How’d you be if you didn’t come to the same college as your best friend and her cousin? My guess is that either you’d scurry back home or you’d find someone else to latch on to. Now, excuse me. I have to go to the library because I don’t have a life.”

I swung past, purposely clipping Holly in the shoulder with my bag. Missy was too short.

Kristina was waiting in the hallway, and we started down the back stairs, which were the closest exit. I could feel the weight of the atmosphere around us, her sympathy piling on top of it. After going through the door to her floor, she gave me one of those pitying looks.

“I’m sorry—”

I shook my head. “She just proved what my gut has been saying the whole time.” I gave her a tired grin. “She’s a weak bitch.”

She laughed, opening her door.

Casey, Laura, and Sarah were inside, and they stopped laughing as we walked in.

“I have a bone to—”

I cut her off, too. I was on a roll. “Would you have asked me to go with you if Sarah had been here?”

She stopped, and her face twisted up.

The answer was her silence. “That’s why I didn’t go with you.” I dropped my bag onto the floor and slumped down on the edge of Kristina’s bed. “I’m not a backup.”

Her mouth shut with an audible clicking sound, and she hung her head. “I see.” She swallowed, glancing to her friends, neither of which seemed to know what to say.

Just like upstairs and just like walking back with Kristina, the air was heavy. Too heavy. I grabbed my bag and stood. “Maybe I’ll just see you guys there?” But it wasn’t really a question as I breezed past Kristina.

“Wai—”

She started to follow me down the hallway, and I turned around. I held my hand up. “I’m worked up, and I might say something I don’t want to regret later. It’s better if I go now. Trust me. I’ll be on the second floor if you want to come find me. If you don’t”—I lifted my shoulders—“that’s fine, too.”

The front desk attendant, Shay’s friend, was there, but I didn’t feel like talking. Thankfully, three girls were talking to her, so she was busy, and I slipped past them.