Hate To Love You

I just wanted his mouth and his body.

And giving up trying to tell me whatever he was supposed to, Shay kissed me back and moved over me in bed.

No one and nothing else mattered.

I was right where I wanted to be.





The holiday break was agonizingly slow and way too fast at the same time.

Gage drove my car the next day for home, and we left after a late breakfast with Kristina, Casey, Sarah, Shay, and Linde. I asked where Laura was, but Sarah just pressed her lips together and slumped down in a chair on the other side of Casey.

Kristina winced. “That’s a sore subject right now.”

I never did find out what happened, but I got an earful about Cameron Brewski. It was mentioned the night before that he was the opposing team’s quarterback, and I learned that he had also been Shay’s rival for a long time. They’d gone to the same high school, went to different colleges, and dated the same girl.

“Same girl?”

Linde added that last bit, watching Shay with a teasing glint in his eyes.

Shay swore under his breath. “You’re such an asshole.”

Linde laughed. “I have no problem spilling the beans.”

“I’m aware.” Shay rolled his eyes, tapping his fingers over the table before making a decision. He turned to me. “Sabrina.”

“Huh?”

“Sabrina?” Casey frowned. “That front desk girl?”

Shay said to me, “I dated her.”

“What?” My mouth dropped. I specifically asked her, too. “She said you were friends. That was it. Why is this the first time I’m hearing you dated?”

His grin morphed into a smirk. “Because we usually don’t talk when we’re alone.”

“Ah!” Gage dropped his toast back onto his plate. He stood, threw his hands in the air, and backed away from the table. “I do not want to hear about my sister’s sex life.” He picked the piece of bread up again and motioned to a different booth. “I know some of those people and I’m going to finish my breakfast there.”

Shay raked a hand through his hair before letting it fall to grasp the back of my chair. “I thought I told you that.”

“You didn’t say shit to me.”

And thinking about it, he rarely did. He knew my stuff: my problems, my trauma, my family, my friends. I started to scowl. What did I know about him? Besides the obvious, that he was damn good in bed and—I felt flutters in my stomach—there was a whole lot of good I knew about him.

The smirk lessened, going back to a grin. “To be honest, there isn’t much to say. I dated her last year for a few months. We broke up and she came back to school this year dating Brewski.”

Linde laughed. “I love that his last name is Brewski. I feel like I’m ordering a beer every time I hear it.”

I ignored our pal. “If it was nothing, you could’ve mentioned it.”

“Like you, I’m private. You didn’t go around proclaiming our relationship. I tend to do the same thing about girls I date, even girls I used to date. There’s nothing there, not really. We’re just friends, and we hardly talk anyway.”

“Then why didn’t you mention it to me?”

He reached for my coffee, lifting it to take a sip. He said, right before, “Because there’s nothing to say. And we had our own drama to handle. Sabrina was and is a non-factor to us.”

“You’re breaking Brewski’s heart, and you know it.”

Shay cursed, throwing a glare in Linde’s direction. “You’re not helping.”

“Every guy knows that eventually there’s an ex-conversation. You tell each other about the exes, especially ones the girl you’re dating might know.” Linde pointed to me. “She told you about hers.”

I gritted my teeth.

Shay’s grin became triumphant. “Actually, she hasn’t really.” He was watching me, saying to him, “She’s just mentioned him.”

Gage chose that time to return, taking his seat. “What’d I miss?”

Casey said, “Your sister’s ex.”

“Fucking hell.” Gage shoved his chair out again. He grabbed his entire plate this time. “Just let me know when it’s time to go home.” He backtracked and took the coffee carafe with him.

That conversation was one of the reasons holiday break took forever.

Shay didn’t say much on the topic, and every time we talked on the phone, he evaded the conversation as a whole. I was beyond frustrated. I wanted to yell and throw a tantrum, but I couldn’t because we were talking over a phone, I couldn’t look him in the eyes (not really even though we were FaceTiming), and I couldn’t straddle him and work some magic so he had to tell me.

We were having one of those conversations again and I was in my bedroom, lying on my bed. He hovered above me, but on my phone’s screen. I asked, “Why won’t you talk about Sabrina? You said she didn’t matter, but you’re acting like she did.”

Or does . . .

His permanent grin faded. “It isn’t her I don’t want to talk about. I don’t have feelings for Sabrina, honestly. It’s him I don’t enjoy talking about.”

“How did you break up?”

“Me and Cameron?”

“Shay.” A low warning from me.

He let out a long and surrendering sigh. “Sabrina and I broke up because of me, not her. I didn’t want to say anything because I don’t want you thinking the same thing.”

A knot formed in my stomach. I hadn’t had one of those in a while. I almost missed them.

I scowled. “What happened?”

“Another girl kissed me one night at a party, and that kinda spun into a whole story where I cheated on her.”

“You’re a cheater?” It was worse than I thought.

“No! No. That’s the thing. I’m not. A girl kissed me. I didn’t kiss her back, but the rumor spread to Sabrina before I could give her a heads-up, and well, I don’t know. I might’ve let her think the worst of me.”

I frowned. “Why?”

“Because I was over the relationship.” He readjusted on his end, and I could tell he was lying down on his bed. He added, “I didn’t cheat on her. I don’t want you to think I’m a cheater, but I didn’t push the girl away as quick as I should have.” He raised his voice. “But I didn’t kiss her back. That’s important here.”

I grew quiet. We got together in secret. I’d been the one not wanting to go further in any official capacity until my attack. Everything changed then, but now, a storm was picking up inside me, swirling around.

I hadn’t considered the thought that he might lose interest in me.

He could get tired of me, like he had with her.

I gulped, feeling that knot move to my throat. “Hey, hey.” He leaned closer, his voice dropping low to a soothing murmur. “That was me and her. That isn’t you and me. Sabrina is beautiful inside and out, but she isn’t a match for me. We didn’t fit. That’s all. Even she would tell you the same thing. I think we both used the kissing rumor to save face.”

“So, she still has feelings for you?”