Hate To Love You

“Cool.” He eyed me. “You’re okay, though?”

I nodded. A big knot formed when we first came to the game, and some of it had loosened by the time we sat, but I was feeling emotions I didn’t understand. I didn’t want to dwell on them. I just wanted to watch the game.

Once it started, no one paid me attention.

It became all about Shay and the team. He threw three touchdowns, running a fourth in himself, and Linde helped smash his way through for that last one. My voice was hoarse by the time the game ended, and there was a bittersweet feeling that swept over the crowd. Some were drunk and cheering like mad, while others were clapping with a somber expression on their features. They stood at the end for the team. They were done. Their last game was complete.

There wasn’t a huge celebratory feel to the atmosphere, but I knew there’d be lots of partying going on that night.

Gage asked, “What are you and Shay doing tonight?”

I shook my head. “We haven’t talked about it.”

“Mom went home this morning.”

“Yeah.”

“She took the van. I figured we could take your car back or my car tomorrow.”

We began following Casey out. Kristina was behind me, and Sarah and Laura were already off talking to other people. I doubted they’d go back to the girls’ dorm rooms with us, opting to go straight for a party instead.

I said to my brother, “Maybe we should all go out for breakfast tomorrow, too. One last hurrah before heading home for break.”

Casey glanced back at me. “Were you able to finish all your exams and finals?”

“Yeah. I took a little hit on one presentation, but it wasn’t much.”

“You’re feeling okay? Being around everyone?”

The truth was, there was a cold trickle of sweat going down my back, but that was it. Gage was walking behind me, Casey and Kristina on either side of me, and I knew it was all purposeful. They were shielding me.

They came up from behind before.

Someone could slip through. I’d never see them coming, but I could walk forward and still breathe at the same time in this formation. I looked back, my eyes meeting my brother’s. A knowing look passed between us, and I answered Kristina, “I’m better than I expected.”

He dipped his chin down to me.

I mouthed “thank you” to him.

“Kennedy?”

All of us paused. I froze, but felt relief flood me when it was only Missy. Holly and the cousin were with her, along with another girl.

“Hey!” Missy wore a warm smile as she came toward us. “I didn’t know you were coming to the game.”

My things had been packed away in the minivan already. They’d be brought back in a month when I’d move into a triple room with Casey and Kristina. The room change had been approved, but I thought she had left this past week.

“You, too. I thought you went home yesterday.”

“Oh.” She shook her head, gesturing to Holly. “We’re sticking around for the weekend, going back on Sunday.” She saw Gage and paused, frowning. Her eyebrows pinched together. “You’re . . .”

“Oh!” My one secret that remained a secret. “This is my brother.”

Holly noted, her eyes wide in awe, “You’re Gage Clarke.”

Gage nodded, his arm coming around my shoulders. “I am. I’m famous. I’m Kennedy’s brother.”

“You were in my stats class.”

Gage nodded like he already knew this. I knew he didn’t. He said, “Hope you did better than I did. Mr. Trellyps was not a fan of mine.”

“Yeah . . .”

This was why I kept it a secret all semester, or tried. This look of shock, awe, and something else darker in Holly’s gaze.

Missy said, “Your brother is Gage Clarke, and I’m kicking myself now for not putting the two together.”

Holly’s cheeks reddened, and she glanced away.

Missy added, “And you’re dating Shay Coleman.” She shook her head, her eyes narrowing at me. “You’re like a stranger. I thought I knew who you were.”

Kristina shifted closer to me, but it was Casey who spoke up. “Ever thought maybe she did that for a reason?” She gestured to Holly. “Both of your reactions proved why she doesn’t. You’re already looking at her differently. When I stopped up there once, I got the distinct impression you couldn’t believe she was friends with me. Imagine how you would’ve been when you realized Shay Coleman was in your room.”

The closet!

I forgot, and started laughing.

When they looked at me, I waved a hand in front of my face. “Nothing. Sorry. Uh, yeah. I’m private for good reason.”

Missy shot back at Casey, “You obviously knew. Is that why you’re friends with her?”

A death look came over Casey’s face. “I became friends with her when she supported me through my rape.”

Holly’s head snapped back up.

Missy’s face drained of color. “O-o-h. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Exactly.”

Casey turned her back on them, her nostrils flaring.

Feeling a twinge of sympathy, I nodded to Missy, indicating we should step to the side to talk. She hesitated, but in the end, she came with me. I felt the others watching, but to some extent, this was none of their business.

She stuffed her hands into her jacket, kicking at a rock on the ground. “This is it, huh?”

“I don’t want you to think I kept things from you on purpose. It was never personal.”

Her foot paused, but she didn’t look.

“You were attacked, and you didn’t reach out to me.” She lifted her head, her bottom lip trembling. “How’s that not personal?”

“You treated me like I was beneath you.”

“When?”

“In looks. In things you said. You were surprised I had a friend when Kristina came up to the room, and you fell over when Casey did. You can’t tell me you would’ve looked at me differently if Gage came knocking on the door, or if you knew about the one time Shay was in the room.”

She went still. “He really was in our room?”

“Our closet. I made him hide, but he refused the second time you came to the room.”

She cocked her head to the side, her forehead wrinkling then clearing as her eyes rounded. “That night I thought you were masturbating? I was so grossed out by you.”

“Yeah.” I itched behind my ear.

She expelled a breath of air, shifting back on her feet. Her shoulders relaxed. “Do you know what it was like when I heard about your attack? Then I heard what Shay Coleman did because of you? And that you were dating? I almost fell to the ground. I thought it was a lie, but the front desk girl said it wasn’t.”

“Sabrina.” I nodded. “She knows Shay. She knew we knew each other.”

“I just don’t get why you didn’t tell me.”

I shook my head. “I have reasons.”

Missy brushed some of her coarse black hair back, readjusting the hood on her coat. I had to think about how I would react if I found out she knew another football player, or maybe the other team captain. I wouldn’t have. No, that wasn’t true. I would’ve felt a little relief because if I saw her in the house, I could say hello or we could talk freely about things. I wouldn’t have felt hurt. Then again, I was only coming from my point of view.