Hate To Love You

“What?”

He lifted up a shoulder, his head bobbing toward it. “You know, being assaulted. Sexually.”

I expected him to start tugging at his collar or shifting on his feet, but he didn’t. He asked the question, and he waited, holding out for me to give him the answer.

A small thread of pride bloomed in my chest, pushing some of that pressure aside. “Not sexually, but the girls were not nice my senior year of high school. They came at me hard and brutal. I don’t know if you know this, but I kinda have issues with trust and emotions.”

“No.” He pretended to be surprised, his mouth gaping open. “Really? I never would’ve guessed.”

I laughed and swatted at him again, but this time, he caught my hand and held it against his chest, angling closer until his side touched mine. For a second, he gazed down into my eyes, and then he softly said, “I get the trust issues, but I like you despite them. I might even like you because of them.”

My breath was caught in my throat. I tipped my head back, and he drew in, his lips were a hair’s width away. I murmured, “You like me? Like, like me, like me?”

That smirk showed again, almost taunting me.

I said, “You should watch it, Coleman. I think you might be moving too fast.”

The ends of his mouth dipped down, and he eased back a step. “What?”

“I mean, if we’re doing the feelings talk. That’s all I’m saying. It’s been four days.”

“I said I liked you, not that I’m in love with you.” He moved even farther back, his jaw clenching. “Fuck’s sake, Clarke. I screwed you the last two nights and had a hard-on for the entire first night. You think I’d do all that for a chick I didn’t like? Like, not love, and no. I quite agree. This is not a ‘dating’ talk, how you keep throwing that word around.” Anger tightened his features, thinning his lips, and pulling his eyebrows together. “You might want to consider the thought that you’re the one who wants to date, not me. Maybe I’m a normal guy, not turning down sex?”

I was gut-punched by that one. Air left my lungs, and I didn’t have anything to shoot back. Not at first, then a whole torrent bubbled up. I straightened from my car. “Are you kidding me?”

“No, but I’m not going to take this bullshit, either. You can’t talk down to me, Clarke. I like you, as in the you who’s so goddamn feisty, the one who makes me laugh because it’s so obvious she has trust issues, the one who must’ve been crushed by some asshole so hard that she hides how fucking beautiful she is from everyone, even from herself. I don’t know who that guy is, or what he did to you, but I am not that guy. I can be a dick sometimes. I’ll admit that, but I’m not the guy you can walk over. It’s normal for me to say I might like you. That’s a normal thing to do.”

My mind was amok. I had no idea what was up or down. “What are you talking about?”

“Nothing.” He held his hands up, surrendering, and backed away. “I’m not saying anything. We’re not dating. I guess we’re not even friends, but hey, if you want to get fucked so hard you see stars, I guess I’m the guy for that.” He shook his head, and turning, he left.

I drove back to school, but it wasn’t until I parked and was walking up to my dorm that I realized I didn’t even remember the drive. I was physically there, but nothing else had left Shay’s street.

I was still wondering what the hell just happened.





When I went to my first class, then my next, then lunch, and finally my last before heading home, a weird déjà vu hit me.

Everything was back to normal.

No guys called out to me. It was like the Dick Crusher video hadn’t happened. Missy was back to being her condescending, yet passively friendly self. Holly and the cousin stopped by afterward before the three of them went to supper together. I had no phone calls. No Gage hiding out or sending my friends to find me or calling me. Even Sabrina, Shay’s gorgeous friend, was busy studying at the desk. She didn’t look up to say hello. No Linde. No Shay. No political science group meetings.

The only difference was that there was also no Kristina, and that meant no Casey, Laura, or Sarah.

I understood that part.

They would’ve had an eventful night. If they were around, I had no doubt they were sleeping. Emotional hangovers were a thing, and after Missy and her crew left, I was alone. Like really alone, like pre-Shay alone.

It felt glorious.

Well, maybe not. I didn’t feel right about Shay, but I’d see him in a day. We could sort out whatever happened on his street. Till then, I studied to my heart’s content. I made trips to my dorm’s computer lab, and I even got naughty. I stole some of the computer’s printing papers, stuffing them down the front of my shirt. My inner dork was coming out full-force. It was like I’d been around “cool” people too much for my system. It was rebelling. It needed an outlet, and I indulged. All of the colored highlighters came out. Not just the primary colors, all of them. I used pink for one textbook, and added purple on the next.

All caution was thrown to the wind. It was only eight, but I went to the library.

I really let my freak out.

An energy drink. Coffee from the cart. My own Twizzlers this time. Even a bag of chocolate candies. I was going nuts on the caffeine and sugar, and then I found an empty study room on the top and most isolated floor in the library.

I stayed until midnight.

It was some of the best studying I’ve had. Ever. Mind-blowing.

I was caught up and refreshed for the midterms coming up.

I was almost drooling as I headed back to the dorm.

I was in a nerd high, not thinking about Shay and all the confusion in my life. The day made sense. Everything was back in order. I was studying and being prepared.

I left the library and turned down a sidewalk that cut to my dorm.

I didn’t know they were hiding in the same set of trees where Gage and I talked about Casey. Or that as I went past them, they looked to make sure no one else was around. It was Monday night, and it was when the library closed. Everyone left around ten, then more trickled out until eleven-thirty. Only the most determined or the most desperate stayed till actual closing time, and I was one of those. I was determined.

So were they.

They came up behind me.

Two shadows fell on top of mine. The shadows were cast ahead of me since the biggest light was by the library behind us. I glanced down, a half second, and saw them.

The hair on the back of my neck stood.

Another half of a second.

Something long and thick fell from one of the guy’s hands.

Another half of a second.

It was a bat.

Another half of a second.

Fear pooled in my gut, and they were lifting the bat.

Another half of a second.

They were going to attack me.

I turned, a scream ripping from my depths, and the bat hit me clear across the face. It stopped the scream, paralyzed the inside me, and then one more half second. I was falling down.