“Ginny,” says Gloria, “I know it’s been a long time, but you have to accept this. Your sister isn’t a year old anymore. What your aunt said was just an expression. When we talked on the phone after her trial, she told me all about how you took her at her word when she said your sister would always be a baby. But that’s not what she meant, Gin. That’s not what she meant at all.”
I am breathing faster and faster. “Crystal with a C doesn’t use expressions,” I say. “Crystal with a C is the one who tells the truth. She said my Baby Doll will always be my little baby.”
“I’m not quite sure what you mean by she’s the one who tells the truth, but what your aunt said is definitely an expression,” says Gloria. “And you can’t flip out about that. No one can stay one year old for five years. She’s six now. Look at her hair. Look at her eyes. The two of you look a lot alike.”
“Here,” says the Other Ginny. “Look again. It’s really me.”
She holds out the picture and this time I take it.
I see that her face looks approximately like my Baby Doll’s. Then I bring the picture up to my eyes. I put it back down and look back at the Other Ginny. Then I bring the picture up again and move it to the side so I can see the Other Ginny and my Baby Doll at the exact same time.
And I see that they are the same person.
Which means that Krystal with a K is the Other Ginny. My Baby Doll turned into a little girl. Patrice was right.
I can’t see anymore because my eyes are wet. “It isn’t one year old?” I say.
Gloria laughs. “Nope,” she says.
I am confused. If my Baby Doll is six years old then it doesn’t wear diapers. It doesn’t need me to pick it up and hide it. It doesn’t need me to give it human milk. It doesn’t need me to take care of it at all.
I look in Gloria’s car just to make sure there isn’t a car seat in the back. To see if Gloria is playing a trick. What I know and what I used to know keep trading places in my brain. “My Baby Doll isn’t in the apartment?” I say even though I already know the answer. Then I don’t know it anymore. Then I know it again.
I stand there blinking.
Gloria makes a breathing sound. “I knew this was going to be hard for you. We can talk about it while we drive. Let’s get in the car.”
“No,” I say. Because what I know is still switching back and forth. In my brain I write,
Baby Doll = Krystal with a K = Other Ginny = Six Years Old
and that is way too many equal signs.
My voice won’t work but in my brain I say, It’s just an expression, It’s just an expression.
“No?” says Gloria. “What do you mean, no? And what are you whispering?”
What all this means is that Gloria told the truth. Does that mean Crystal with a C told a lie? I don’t know what to do but I have to figure it out fast. I open and close my eyes. I look down at the numbers on my watch and pull myself up out of my brain. “Are you still going up to Canada?” I say.
“Yes. Of course we are,” says Gloria. “We’re going to Quebec to stay with my family. They’re going to hide us for a while. Why are you even asking that? You know where we’re going. We talked about it and you understood. Now come on. Get in the damn car.”
She grabs my arm and pulls. I recoil and fall on the cold wet ground. Gloria picks me up and stands me on my feet. When I can see straight I see a man near the gas station standing still and looking at us. Gloria yells at him. “What are you staring at, asshole? She fell, okay?”
In my brain I remember the time Gloria came to the Blue House and peeled out. I remember how she came to school and made quite a scene. I remember how violent Gloria can be.
But, We’ll be safe with her family, I say in my head. We’ll be safe. I write,
Gloria’s Family = Someone to Help Keep an Eye on my Baby Doll
And,
Gloria’s Family = Someone to Help Keep an Eye on Me
My bottom hurts from where I fell and my pants are wet. I look down at the numbers on my watch and shake my head. No. Gloria is still completely impulsive and unreliable. We’re not going to be safe with her no matter where she takes us.
“Ginny?” says Gloria.
I stop blinking and look up.
“Come on. People are starting to stare,” she says. “That guy who just went into the gas station—We have to go.”
“No,” I say.
“What?” says Gloria.
I swallow. “No,” I say again but it doesn’t sound like my voice. I don’t know if it was me or (-Ginny).
“Why the hell not?”
In my brain I see the answer. I see exactly why because:
Gloria ≠ Someone Who Can Run Away to Canada without Getting Caught
Gloria will end up in jail and Krystal with a K will go to a Forever Home. Just like I did.
I hold up two fingers. “There are two reasons,” I say.
“Well, what are they?”
“The first is because my Baby Doll is six years old.”
“Yes, I’m glad you got that straight,” says Gloria. She looks left and right fast. “What’s the second?”
“The second reason is that you’re going to end up in jail.”
Gloria shakes and her eyes get skinny. She is going to hit and so I wince.
“You’ve got a lot of nerve, kiddo,” she says. “Look at your sister. Look at her! I raised her just fine, without your help! I know she’s skinny, but that’s just how we are! And damn it, we can’t talk about this now! We can’t stay here! Someone’s going to come looking for you any minute! Don’t you see? Your school is right down the street!”
She points but I don’t look. I keep my eyes on her hand. Her knuckles are white. Behind her Krystal with a K points at me and points at the car and makes a smile with big teeth.
Gloria makes a loud breathing sound. “That’s it. Come on!”
She reaches out and grabs the front of my coat. She pulls me forward.
In my brain I see him. Donald.
“No!” I yell. I grab Gloria’s sleeve and rip her hand away. Then she tries to grab me again so I pull back. I put my hands up to stop her. “Please!” I yell. “Please!”
Gloria stops. She looks at me in a scared way. Then she puts part of her hand in her mouth like she’s trying to eat it. “It isn’t supposed to be like this!” she says. “It isn’t supposed to be like it was before! You aren’t scared to come with me, are you, Gin?”
She wants me to say No, I am not scared but that isn’t true so I don’t say anything.
Then Gloria says, “Ginny, I need you. I need to have you back with me so we can be a family again. Don’t you see what they took from us?”
I check in my brain. I don’t see what anyone took from us. I just see too many equal signs and words that don’t add up.
Now Gloria’s eyes are wet. “I did the best I could!” she says. “I had a habit! And damn it, we have to go! We’re going to get caught! The school will start making calls and—”
She makes a grunting sound and reaches to grab me again. I try to pull away but now she has me. She pulls me to the car. I try to yell but my mouth won’t work so I pull, pull, pull away. I slam into the car door.