In my head I need to say what happens to me right after it happens. I need to say it all back to myself because it helps me understand. That’s why I talk inside my brain. It’s like a diary except I’m not so good at writing. I used to say it all out loud when I was in the apartment but Donald said it drove him bat-shit crazy. Then he said I should keep my mouth closed and not walk around with it open because it makes me look like a cave girl. No one can hear what I say inside my head because that’s where my brain is. It helps me do things when no one is looking. Like when I used to look for mayonnaise and ketchup packets and food in the garbage when Gloria and Donald or one of her other man-friends were upstairs.
But now I have to get ready to write a letter to Rick. I can’t just say the words in my head and leave them there. I have to write them. On paper. Writing is hard work but I need to do it because I have to get Rick to give me a ride up to Canada. I bet he has dual citizenship just like Gloria and Crystal with a C. And me. But I have to get him to tell Gloria to meet us there. That is my new secret plan.
So I will talk the letter in my head tonight and then I will ask my Forever Dad to help me type it tomorrow. The letter will go exactly like this:
Dear Rick,
I do not love the name Rick. No offense. I’m just saying. Maybe we could call you Richard or Kevin or even Bobby. We can’t call you Michael Jackson because Michael Jackson is my favorite singer-dancer in the whole world. I have a picture of him on my wall in my room plus the calendar. He’s my biggest fan.
I am writing you a letter because I put it on my list. I want you to come take me in your truck and bring me to Canada. Tell Gloria to come there with my Baby Doll and meet us. We can all live there together unless you want to go back to live with your girlfriend and Sammy instead. I’m OK with that. If you can’t come right now then please go to Harrington Falls to see if my Baby Doll is OK. Gloria needs help taking care of it. Don’t let her go away for a few days like she always does. Help her like Crystal with a C used to help her. Show her how to change its diaper and how to give it plenty of food. Bring some milk with you because there won’t be any in the refrigerator. And even though it’s too little to understand please tell my Baby Doll that I’m sorry about the suitcase. I tried to keep it safe but I got scared when the police came.
Something you should know about me is that I get mad when people tell me they’ll do something and then they don’t do it. You should underline that part and then save this note in your pocket and not forget. Write back soon so I’ll know if you’re going to help me or not. Plus we have to figure out a way to get my Forever Parents to let me go with you. I don’t think kidnapping will work this time.
Yours Truly,
Ginny Moon
I say the letter over and over until it says exactly what I want it to say. Tomorrow I will ask my Forever Dad to help me write it all down.
38
EXACTLY 4:17,
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 3RD
When I got to school this morning I looked out the window of the bus to the place where I saw the Green Car on September 14th. I wanted to see it but it was not there. I remember driving in the Green Car near the window that was broken. The plastic used to move back and forth and sometimes Gloria would stop to put more duct tape on it. Sometimes we used to sleep in the car when we went somewhere. Gloria said it was like camping but a lot more fun because when you go camping you have to sleep on the ground. We don’t want to sleep on the ground, do we? she used to say. I didn’t answer because I didn’t talk yet. I learned to talk when I was five.
That was a long time ago.
And now a man named Rick says he is my Birth Dad. I would like to get to know him but first I need to get him to bring me to Canada.
I come up out of my brain. I am standing on the bottom step waiting for my Forever Mom to turn around in the kitchen. I don’t want to say anything because I don’t want to make her mad. My Forever Sister is sleeping which is why my Forever Mom is downstairs. She comes down here sometimes when she thinks I’m not home or when I’m in my room with the door closed. I haven’t seen her in three days.
“Are you staring at me, Ginny?” she says. Without turning.
I start to answer but then I stop. I am starting to forget how to talk with her. I only know how to talk with my Forever Dad now.
“Ginny, I asked if you’re staring at me.”
“I’m waiting for you to turn around,” I say.
“And are you staring while you wait?”
Staring means you look with your eyes for a long time and don’t move. Some people say it’s tedious.
“Yes,” I say. I put my head down. “I am sorry.”
My Forever Mom turns around. She picks up a pan and puts it on the stove. “All right, what’s up?” she says.
She does not mean the ceiling or the sky so I try hard not to look in those places. “I wrote a letter to Rick,” I say. “I used my best handwriting.”
When I say Rick it sounds quiet and dumb like there is a piece of poop on the floor and everyone is looking at it. Poop always looks quiet and dumb. Sometimes I feel that way too.
“I know,” my Forever Mom says. “Your dad told me. Do you want me to hear it?”
“Yes, I do,” I say and then I read it.
Dear Rick,
My name is Ginny and I am 14 years old. I love Michael Jackson. He died on June 25, 2009. He has all the best moves. I also like to listen to Diana Ross. Do you know what she did? A duet with Michael Jackson.
But I am glad we can write letters. I never knew I had a Birth Dad even though everyone has one. Can you come visit?
Sincerely,
Ginny Moon
Because I found out that I can’t say what I really want to say in the letter when my Forever Dad helped me type it today. Today we spent exactly twenty-three minutes talking and typing. It started out the way I had it in my head last night but then I figured out that I had to change it. I will say what I need to say to Rick when he comes to visit. I will say it quietly in his ear. It will be our little secret which is something I heard in a movie.
My Forever Mom says, “You really think you’re ready to meet him already?”
I nod my head yes.
“That’s awfully trusting of you. Don’t you want to see what sort of person he is? Through his letters, I mean.”
I don’t know what it means to see what sort of person he is or through his letters so I don’t say anything.
“Don’t you want to see if you can trust him?” she says.
“How do I know if I can trust him?”
She laughs. I am surprised but I really like the way it sounds. “I suppose you’re right,” she says. “For now, let’s just send the letter. Leave it there on the counter, and we’ll type it up and send it to him in an email. There’s still no way we’re letting you anywhere near a computer. So we’ll type it all up and send it and then wait to see what Rick says when he emails back. If it all looks good, we’ll go ahead and schedule a visit. Probably at the park. You know, meeting your Birth Dad might just turn out to be a very good thing for all of us. Who knows what the future will bring?”