“Is that how you think of yourself?”
The desolation in his eyes answered for him.
“When I look at you, I see a man who has served his country, who helps his neighbors and volunteers in his free time to save lives. In my book, you’re a hero. You’ve gathered some scars along the way. That happens to everyone, but it especially happens to heroes.”
He seemed to consider this. “I did something today I’ve never done before. I made a bogus call to dispatch. I told them I’d seen some skiers out of bounds, but I hadn’t. I just needed to get as far away from people as I could to think, to clear my head.”
“I bet you’re not the first patroller to do that.” She laughed.
He didn’t. “I stood there, looking down. There were pinwheels rolling everywhere. The slope was primed to slide. A part of me wanted to drop into that powder, shoot for the bottom, and let the mountain decide whether I lived or died. How fucking heroic is that?”
Her stomach fell to think of him on the brink like that. He was talking about suicide here, taking risks not for the thrill of it, but for a chance to end his life. “But you didn’t do it.”
“Do you know what held me back?”
She shook her head.
He reached up, ran his thumb over her cheek. “You.”
Her throat grew tight. “I’m glad.”
“Plus, I didn’t want my buddies on the Team to have to dig me out.”
She laughed through the lump in her throat. “Megs would kick your ass.”
“What did I do to deserve you?”
“Oh, Jesse.” It hurt to think that he couldn’t see himself as she saw him. “Do I have to list it all? You helped me when my car broke down, shoveled my walk, watched my kids—and you fuck like a god.”
“Yeah?” He moved in on her, one smooth motion bringing his face to hers, his lips catching her lower lip, giving it a little tug. “What do you say to a little worship in the bedroom?”
“Hallelujah.”
*
Jesse carried Ellie to the bedroom, the two of them rolling together on her bed, hands tearing at clothing, searching for soft flesh. He fucked her hard and fast, reveling in her moans and cries. Tears slid down her cheeks when she came, the tenderness he felt for her an ache in his chest. A few thrusts later, he followed her into paradise, climax washing through him as bright and pure as salvation.
They held each other in the darkness afterward.
“Promise me you won’t do it—that you’ll never try to kill yourself.”
He kissed her hair. “I promise.”
*
Ellie spent Tuesday cleaning the house and getting ready for her night with Jesse. She vacuumed, mopped, cleaned the bathrooms, dusted, and put clean sheets on the bed—again. In between, she played with the kids and packed an overnight bag.
Tonight would be her first night away from the twins, her first night completely alone with a man for almost four years. She found it exciting—but it also made her nervous.
While the kids took their afternoon nap, she showered, shaved her legs, and gave herself a pedicure. Then she called Claire, needing advice.
“I want tonight to be special, but I don’t know what to do.”
“Lingerie?”
“I did the sexy-bra-and-panties routine already. I do have some other lingerie. I just haven’t worn it in years.”
“Fruit and whipped cream?”
“That doesn’t sound sexy to me.”
“You don’t want him to eat grapes out of your—”
“No!”
“I don’t know what to say, sis. Tie him up. Let him spank you. It’s your love life. Do whatever floats your boat. Just be sure to tell me about it—in detail.”
“You are no help.”
“Not true. I’m taking care of your kids tonight, remember?”
“Oh, right.”
“Are you going to the Kirby boy’s funeral Thursday?” That was an abrupt change of subject. “I think Mom and Dad are going.”
“I’ll be there. I helped care for Tyler. See you later.”
Ellie ended the call, opened her bottom drawer, and looked through the lingerie she hadn’t touched in four years. There was a white lace body suit with a neckline that plunged all the way to her navel. She’d bought it for what had turned out to be her last Valentine’s Day with Dan. There was a silky pink baby doll gown she’d worn on their honeymoon. There was the teddy she’d bought to surprise Dan for his birthday their first year together.
She couldn’t wear any of these. They were tied to Dan, tied to her past. Jesse was part of a new chapter in her life. If she wore lingerie, it had to be something she’d bought just for him. And since there was no time for that…
She saw a Victoria’s Secret bag lying on the bottom of the drawer. She pulled it out, opened it, and found a red lace bustier with garters and a matching red thong. Red lace stockings lay folded in an unopened plastic package. She must have bought all of this to surprise Dan at some point, but she’d never worn it. Perfect.
Her cell phone buzzed.
It was the hospital.