I swing my legs out of the bed and stagger upright. “I have to go,” I sign while saying the words out loud. “See you later?”
Cole moves from the bed as if to follow me, but I shake my head. His eyebrows are furrowed as he studies my every move. I know he’s looking at me because I know the feel of his eyes.
LAST NIGHT WHEN I CAME back home from Cole’s house, I came to a conclusion: I was going to have to talk to Maggie. My notebook is filled with a million words. I’ve been trying to get it all out. Music isn’t helping me as much as it did before. Yesterday’s near breakdown was my undoing and it made me realize that there was no way I was going to allow myself to go off the deep end. I wasn’t going to carry other people’s burdens. I was already carrying my own.
I have one mission today. I pretend I’m sick today so I can handle this.
Standing at my window, I watch Cole get into his car and drive away. Seconds later, a black truck pulls in front of the Holloway’s house playing loud hip hop music. Josh, with an overnight bag slung over his shoulder, dashes from the front door and waves to his mom who is standing on the front porch before he jogs toward the car. After a round of greetings, Josh gets in the truck.. Seconds later, it speeds off down the street and disappears around the corner.
I rush downstairs and out of the door. Two minutes later, I’m standing in front of the Holloway’s front door. I take deep breaths to calm my racing heart and quickly wipe the sweat now beading on my forehead.
Am I going to do this? Confront Cole’s mother about whatever I saw on her lawn? God, why does it feel like I’m about to cross a line, that I might change things exponentially? I spin around and climb down the steps, then stop and ball my hands into fists.
I can’t live like this. I feel drained all the time and if I don’t get to the root of this, I might relapse.
There is no way I’m going to let that happen. I have too much to lose.
Shaking my hands at my side, I whirl around and ring the bell before I can bail. I hear the sound of muffled footsteps coming toward me from the other side of the door. I hold my breath, waiting, and when the door opens, Maggie blinks, and her eyes widen slightly.
“Eleanor.” Her gaze darts over my shoulder before returning back to me. “Why aren’t you in school? Cole left—”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you.”
Her eyebrows shoot up but she seems to recover fast. “I’m about to take Nick to school. Can it wait until later?”
I shake my head. “No, I just need a few minutes.”
She nods and steps aside, allowing me entrance.
Once inside, she gestures for me to sit on the couch but I shake my head. I’m too nervous to stay put in one place.
She clears her throat and raises a brow. Her hands are clasped in front of her tightly.
Right. My grandmother has a saying that goes something like, Choose your battles well. If you know you cannot handle it, then walk away.
I chose this battle. The only thing that terrifies me is that I have no idea which condition I will come out of it in.
Without further pre-empt, I blurt out, “I saw you and my father arguing on your lawn two weeks ago.”
Her face blanches and her mouth falls open then closes again. “What?”
“Are you and my father having an affair?”
She gasps, then sits down on the couch, dropping her face in her hands. “Why would you think that?”
“I heard you and my dad talking.”
She wipes a trembling hand over her brow. “No. Your father and I are not having an affair.”
“Then why were you arguing?” I insist, feeling my panic start to rise.
She leans back and stares at me. “It’s none of your business, Eleanor.”
I start to pace. “Mrs. Holloway. It’s my business. My mother is in that house right now lost in her own world. My sisters have no idea what is happening and I. . .oh God, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t handle it.
“It might not be any of my business, but, it’s eating me inside out. I’m going to be honest with you. My mom used to think that my dad was her entire world. She still does. She hasn’t accepted the fact that he doesn’t love her anymore. It has destroyed her. It’s destroying my family. Me.” I stretch out my hands toward her. “This. I don’t want to go down this road again. Two days ago, I almost relapsed after I had gone for so long without self-harming. Cole keeps asking me what is wrong. I care about him very much. But I can see his heart breaking whenever he looks at me, because I can’t bear to look at him when I know I’m keeping a secret from him. So please, Maggie, tell me the truth. Please. I need to be able to sort this out in my head.”