I burst through the doors and run to my car. My hands are still shaking too much. I can’t fit the key to the lock. A strange sound is coming from my chest, and I can’t stop it.
“Ma’am? Are you okay?” A man’s voice says. I shake my head, tears rolling down my face.
“Work, damn it,” I hiss, trying to over and over to shove the key into the lock.
Turning around, I slump back on the car and slide to the ground, the keys gripped tightly in my hand. I drag my legs up and drop my face on top of my knees. I breathe in and out for several moments. Tears stream down my face and my chest aches. It’s not as bad as it was when I was inside the store. A sweet kind of pain presses on my palm, making me momentarily focus. I lift my head from my knees and unfold my hand. The car keys tumble to the ground and the rush fades. I grab them from the ground and extend my arm, then drag the sharp edge on my skin. Adrenaline shoots through me. A sense of euphoria sings through the blood in my veins as I watch a few drops of blood pop up in the jagged cut.
Closing my eyes, I let my head fall back as I ride that feeling. It’s short lived though. It doesn’t make me feel as if I can conquer the world. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel as though I’ve let myself down. I hate myself for breaking my own promise.
My fingers start to shake as I realize what I have done. I grab the edge of my dress and scrub my arm clean of the blood.
Shoving my hand in my purse, I pull out my phone and scroll through the names on my contact list and stop when my former therapist’s name pops on the screen. I press the call button and wait for her to pick up. It rings three times before diverting to voice mail.
I breathe through my mouth, fighting to fill my lungs with air.
Breathe, Eleanor. Breathe. Freaking breathe.
I shut my eyes tight, fighting the darkness looming around the edges of my consciousness. “Dr. Thorsten? Um. . .It’s me. . .El—” I stop and take a deep breath again using my mouth, and release it through my nose. “Eleanor Blake. You said if I ever needed to talk to you, I could call anytime?”
I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand. “I need to talk to you so badly. I did something today and I’m scared I’m about to relapse. I can’t—I don’t want to go back to being that girl. Please. Please call me back.” I raise my head and disconnect the call.
The darkness inside me is like a yawning chasm, eager to swallow me whole. I grip the phone tighter in one hand and scroll through my contacts again and stop on Cole’s name. I hesitate, because I have no idea how he will react when he sees me like this. He knows me as the strong girl who fought and is still fighting her demons. I think about calling Grandma, but I can’t let her see me like this either. And neither can my sisters.
I find Megs’ name and call her. It rings once but I disconnect it quickly.
Despite my deepest fears and the guilt ravaging my soul, the only person I want to see right now is the same person I’m afraid I’ll end up losing the minute he sees me in this condition.
No one else but him.
Cole.
My Cole, even though the reason for my breakdown involves our parents and whatever secrets lie between them. The weight of it is dragging me down. Every emotion inside me is flailing, searching for something to latch on to. I’m seconds away from reverting to that helpless little girl that found release inflicting pain on herself. Cole has never seen me at my worst, because the angels in me keep the demons at bay whenever he’s around me. He’s the only person I’ve ever admitted to about the things I’d gladly take to my grave, my truest fears and the fact that I’d harm my own father to stop him from hurting my family. To save Cole.
But am I ready to tell him about my dad and his mom?
I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand and quickly shoot a text to Megs with shaking fingers.
Me: Please come and get me. Stuck in front of Wal-Mart.
I press send. I can’t bring myself to tell her the truth over a text.
Seconds pass. What if she doesn’t have her phone with her?
One minute passes. I know this because I’m squinting at the phone, waiting. Tears blur my eyesight. I hate how weak I am right now. I look like a junkie in need of her next fix.
My phone lights up as a text comes through.
Megs: On my way.
Five minutes later, the sound of tires on tarmac claim my attention. Megs’ Prius drives by slowly, her eyes darting out the window, searching for me. She spots me, reverses and slides into the parking space across from me. I managed to climb to my feet to wait for her. It’s enough that I look pathetic in the first place anyway.
She jumps out of the car, grinning. At the same time, Cole steps out of the other door and Simon too. I groan, inwardly.
Shit.
Megs’ grin disappears as she gets closer before dashing to my side with her arms outstretched ready to hug me.
“What happened, love?” she whispers as she hugs me tightly.