Damn stupid words.
Heaving out a sigh, I raise my hands and I sign, “Do you love her?”
“Irrevocably,” he says, his eyes fixed on mine and I see sincerity shining through them, but there’s something else too.
Hopelessness.
Sadness.
Acceptance.
I exhale, my heart twisting hard in my chest so damn hard, I fear it might break free from its confines.
The next question causes my hands to shake as I raise them to sign. This is something I’ve wondered about so many times. “Does she love you?”
He drags a hand over his bald head, the look on his face bleak and says, “Not as much as I love her. Like I’ve always loved her.”
I rip my gaze from his and frown down at my hands, trying to gain control of my wayward emotions. I’d promised myself during the drive home I’d play it cool until I got a handle on the situation.
Yeah, right. Like that would ever happen. Cool is a foreign emotion to me, especially when it comes to Nor. Thank God, Josh puts me out of my misery when he touches my arm.
“Nor took it very hard after what happened. She went back to self-harming, but she got better again with the help of a therapist. Having Cora and Joce also helped her a lot. She has never loved me like she loved you. Like she still loves you.”
And just like that, pandemonium breaks out inside my head at his declaration.
She still loves me.
What kind of shit did that asshole of a father put them through? I have a clue but I have a feeling there’s more. I open my mouth to ask him but he screws up his face in a grimace as he shifts his body on the bed.
HIS FACE IS COVERED IN a sheen of sweat and his lips are pulled tight. His fingers are shaking as if he is going through a withdrawal.
“Shit. I hate this part.”
Panic slams my chest. I shoot up from the chair and rush to his side . “What’s wrong? Can I do anything? Call the nurse?”
He reaches for the remote control on his bed and presses the nurse button. “Pain. So fucking much.”
Why didn’t I notice this? I’m wrapped up in my own issues, too selfish to notice he’s hurting.
“What can I do?” I ask again, my eyes blurry with tears.
He grins, but the smile resembles a frown instead. “Get me a unicorn. And fairy dust.” His speech is much slower now. He sinks lower into the bed and closes his eyes. “If I’m leaving this world, I want to ride a unicorn. Cora believes unicorns are the best thing since Barbie dolls.”
Those words jolt a fierce emotion in me, reminding me that I’ve missed nine years of my girls’ lives.
“She sounds cool as shit,” I say.
“They. . .” he breaths through his mouth. “They both are. Cora reminds me so much of you.”
Before I can follow up on that comment, a nurse with a head full of short dark curls appears on the edge of my vision, dismantling my thoughts. She’s holding a syringe in one hand. A cold shiver slithers down my spine and sweat breaks out on my forehead. I fucking hate syringes. After being poked and prodded when I was five, I developed a healthy abhorrence toward that shit.
She halts on the other side on the bed and my body relaxes, grateful for the distance between me and the needle. She starts working on the IV on Josh’s arm, oblivious of my current state. Her mouth moves but I can’t understand what she says. She raises her head to look at me.
“I’m nurse Peterson.” She points at the name badge on her chest.
“Sorry. I didn’t get what you said before. I’m Cole. Josh’s brother.”
Her cheeks flush. “Sorry—”
I raise my hand up to stop her. “No harm done. Just make the pain go away.” I point to Josh with my chin.
She nods.
When she is done, she straightens and adjusts the sheets around Josh.
“How long does it take before he needs another dose?”
She purses her lips. “Depends on the patient and how much pain he or she has.” She looks at my brother and smiles, then faces me. “Your brother is stubborn. We suggested a way for him to administer the drug himself but he refused.”
She laughs when Josh winks at her. “He’s a flirt this one.” She shakes her head, turns and leaves.
I’ve never seen anyone in the throes of pain like Josh had been a few minutes ago. Is this what Nor has been facing everyday for the past six years? Watching him, knowing the only thing that can help him is medication?
Christ. This shit is scary.
“It’s not so bad, you know.”
I gape at him. “You’re kidding me, right?”
Josh shrugs. “Some days are worse than others. I’m thankful I’ve gotten this far instead of those measly months the doctor predicted at first.” He settles back on the pillows and steeples his fingers on top of his stomach on the sheet. “Dude, I asked Nor to go out and choose the most fucking beautiful coffin she can find. Something fit for this prince. She chose a badass coffin.” His eyes slip shut, a look of pure bliss on his face. The medication must have taken full effect.