That evening, I lay in bed, my body curled as I hold in the pain, knowing I deserve it. I press a hand on my stomach, rubbing it in circles.
Cole. Oh my God. Cole please forgive me. I chant the words over and over, seeking absolution in them.
The bed dips as Josh climbs on it, his face a mask of sorrow that mirrors mine. We spent the past two hours apologizing, talking, me crying as I tried to pick up the pieces of whatever was left of my heart after I threw it away. Now there’s nothing left to say, yet my chest aches with words I still need to say.
He lies beside me and takes my hands in his. He leans forward and kisses my forehead, and then pulls me to him, tucking my face into his chest. He just holds me and I weep for Cole. For our unborn babies. The lives I’ve destroyed and saved.
Most of all, I cry because I can feel myself losing balance again and I need to fight hard to keep my sanity.
I FEEL AS THOUGH SOMEONE hit my ribs with a hammer.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I knew Stephen hated me. He’d tried to hurt me several times when he sent his thugs to beat me up in prison.
The man was fucked up in the worst way. How could he hate his brother so much he’d transfer those feelings on anyone that remotely reminds him of his own flesh and blood? This shit is incomprehensible. He’d succeeded in separating us just like he’d been doing since they moved in next door.
I sit back on the chair, drop the beanie on my lap and drag my fingers over my head.
“Nick told me your father left.”
“He did when I turned twenty-two. No one knows where he is.”
I bite my bottom lip, studying the woman sitting in the corner of the couch, watching me with cautious eyes. God, she went through so much in her life. She wasn’t lying when she said she wanted to protect me.
Dropping her gaze to the ground, she takes in a deep breath and seems to hold it for ages. She exhales and lifts her gaze to mine. Her tiny hands clench into fists, causing veins to pop out beneath her skin. I’m overpowered by the instinct to go to her, comfort her. She was too young to disobey a father who held all the cards in his hands. One wrong move would have either been the end of me, or have her family ripped out from under her feet. Her mother and sisters, people she’s been fighting hard to hold onto.
Shit.
Watching pain tearing through her is like someone is slowing ripping a bandage off old, deep wounds inside me. Wounds that have barely healed.
But I can’t. Not yet. I have a feeling if I go to her, I will end up doing more than comforting her and that’s not the point right now.
I shift on the seat and turn my body so that I’m directly facing her this time because I want to see her truth when I ask her the next question, something I’ve wondered about since I returned back home a few weeks ago.
“Your father left. You stayed married to my brother, even though you said you didn’t love him. At least not the way a wife should love her husband. Shouldn’t you have put an end to the whole charade already?” She opens her mouth to speak, but I quickly put my hand up to stop her. “I have nothing other than respect and love for my brother. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, he was a martyr. I will never understand why he went to that extent, knowing he’d be bound to a woman who doesn’t feel the same way he does. Why did you stay?”
A soft smile plays on her lips. “Because he asked me to. My life was Cora and Joce. I couldn’t bring myself to raise the two girls on my own, and it’s not because I was afraid to do it. I needed help, a father figure who was around. We needed him as much as he needed us. I missed having a father to look up to while growing up. I didn’t want the same thing to happen to the girls. Besides, having someone to talk to, other than our daughters, was amazing. Josh’s health started deteriorating and I wanted to be there to take care of him.”
“Your brother did all that because he loved you,” she says and signs at the same time, something she always did when she got angry with me. Or to get her point across. “God, he was so terrified when we got home from the walk after I told him and we found my father shouting at my sisters. He didn’t even take a second to think about what he was offering. All he wanted to do was keep you safe. Keep me and the babies safe.”
Her body is shaking badly and tears are streaming down her face now. My resistance crumbles to dust.
Ah, fuck it.
I scoot over on the couch and pull her in my arms. She wiggles, trying to shake me off but my hold on her tightens as I feel my heart break for everything she has gone through without my knowledge. Holding her, though, is like being home. Every piece of my heart glues itself together as her shaking body calms down with every soothing stroke of my hand on her back.
“I will fucking kill him for hurting you.”