“Nick, you don’t have to-”
“I do. I need to say all of this. It’s stuff I should have said years ago. I should never have let us get this far. I should never have let you go. Not once.” More hot tears spilled down my cheeks and I nodded, letting him go on. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t let go of the band. It was stupid. It was stupid of me to hold onto it for so long. I haven’t wanted it, not really anyway, for a long time. But I hated the taste of failure and disappointment and when I looked at you, with this career that you loved and all of your success, I just couldn’t… I couldn’t deal with that. I was stubborn in a way that deeply hurt us… hurt you and I’m sorry I did that to us.” I opened my mouth to answer him, but he held up his hand and with a small smile said, “Please wait. There’s more.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“I’m sorry I didn’t take the burden off you financially. I know you will teach no matter what I do, but I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I will never do it again. And it’s not because I don’t think you’re capable or that you weren’t handling it. I know you are and I know you did. But we are in this together. We have to be in this together. We’re a partnership. One-half isn’t greater or less than the other. We are two halves that make one whole. I’m sorry I stopped us from being equals.”
He took another step toward me and we were only an inch apart. I felt him this time and it was real. I felt his body heat. I smelled him, the way only he could smell. I could reach out and touch him if I wanted… if I wasn’t so afraid he would shatter into glass, proving I had conjured him up in my depression.
“I’m sorry we haven’t had a baby yet. I’m sorry I haven’t done everything in my power to find out what’s wrong and give you the thing you want most. I’m sorry I ignored you and neglected you and treated you cruelly. I’m sorry I let us drift apart while we were together. I’m sorry I left you. And I’m sorry I stayed away for so long.
“There are so many things between us, Kate. I know we can’t just fix ourselves overnight. But I want you to know that I’m going to do everything I can to make this work. I am going to work as hard as I can. I am going to think of you first and show you love… show you how very much I love you. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep fighting with you and making you miserable. I can’t keep making myself miserable. We deserve so much more.” His blue eyes speared me with a heated, powerful look. “You deserve so much more. Because the truth is, I surrender too. To this. To us. To you.” He swallowed roughly, then with sincerity that rocked me to the center of my being, asked, “Will you forgive me?”
The words were stuck in my throat, clogged with too much emotion and racing each other to get out. I threw my body at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and flattening myself against his chest. He caught me. I knew he would. “Yes,” I whispered. “Yes, I forgive you.”
When he tightened his arms around my waist, it was different than before. He held me with promise, with hope. He held me in a way that was so permanent and lasting I felt it to my bones.
“I’m sorry, too,” I cried against him, wetting his shirt. “I almost don’t know where to begin. There are just too many things.” His fingers trailed gently through my hair, giving me courage to go on. “I’m sorry I didn’t respect you. I’m sorry I didn’t support you. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. I’m so sorry this got so convoluted.” I took a second to breathe through trembling sobs. “But most of all I’m sorry for leaving you too. I’m sorry I didn’t try to do everything I could to fix us first. I’m sorry I was so selfish.”
“It’s okay,” he whispered against my hair. “It’s going to be okay.” His lips touched my forehead and he said, “I should never have let you get away.”