Just as abruptly as he had leaned back, he shot forward and placed one palm on the shiny conference table. “You’re doing this now?”
Fear boiled inside me, superheating my insides, making me feel wobbly and off balance. But I had to get this out. I had to say this or I would hate myself for the rest of my life. “I don’t want a divorce.”
Mr. Cavanaugh jumped in, hoping to rescue me. “Ms. Carter, I think you should take a minute to think about this.”
I shook my head, acknowledging him, but not wanting to waste time to address him. “Nick, I was wrong. I was so wrong.”
“You can’t do this now.” He sounded pained, shocked and beyond confused. “Just the other night-”
“I’m not asking anything from you. I… I don’t even really know if I want anything from you. I just… I just can’t do this. I can’t go through with this. I’m sorry.”
“For what?” His words were a punch through the air.
Confusion roiled through me and I thought I would be sick. More tears spilled over and a shuddering sob racked my chest. I fumbled for my purse somewhere on the floor.
“For what?” Nick demanded. He stood up. His voice grew louder, commanding, desperate. “Katie, for what?”
I glanced wildly around the room, my eyes bouncing from his lawyer to mine, then out the window at the traffic far below.
“For this,” I whispered. “For all of it. For everything.”
Nick fell back in his chair, defeated and out of breath. I was his opposite-like usual. I jumped to my feet and for the second time since we began mediation, I fled the room.
I nodded once to Ryan Templeton, then turned to Mr. Cavanaugh. “I’m sorry for wasting your time, Mr. Cavanaugh.”
My feet stumbled over themselves as I raced out of the room. I needed fresh air. I needed to find a dark place so I could curl into the fetal position and rock myself into a stupor.
I needed so much tequila.
Like all the tequila.
A hand caught me just as I reached the elevator. For a fast second, my lungs filled with breath and hope zinged through me. But when I turned around and found that it was Mr. Cavanaugh and not Nick, my entire spirit crumpled.
“Ms. Carter… Kate, are you sure about this? Are you sure this is what you want? Because if you leave today, we are basically giving up our position. It will be much harder to argue in your favor.”
“I’m so sorry,” I sniffled. “But I’m sure. I’m positive. I can’t… I can’t do this.”
“Well, if you’re sure.”
“I am.”
His expression softened and some of his frightened concern receded. “If it helps any, I don’t think he wanted the divorce any more than you did.”
I shrugged helplessly. My chin trembled too violently for me to respond. I didn’t know if it helped or not. I didn’t know if it was true or not. I didn’t know what to say.
Seeing that I couldn’t speak anymore, he patted my shoulder with his hand and gave me a sad smile. “Good luck, Kate. I hope it works out for you.”
“Me too,” I whispered, even while I knew I didn’t deserve for it to work out. Even while I knew it probably wouldn’t.
I stepped into the elevator and he let me go down alone. I was thankful for that. I was thankful for him. As far as divorce lawyers went, he was one of the good ones.
Not that I knew very many.
The elevator doors closed behind me and took me to the ground floor. I left the building, walked to my car and got inside.
I drove home. I walked inside my house. I collapsed on my couch and I started to cry.
I didn’t stop for a very long time.
Nick never came after me.
Chapter Twenty-Four
31. I love him.
My mom called later in the day. She wanted to know how mediation went. She wanted me to get the dog.
I didn’t want to move for the next forty years.
“How did it go?” she asked impatiently.
“Not well.”