“Good,” he says. “What else?”
“I don’t want to fight,” I tell him. “I know we don’t fight now, but if we ever get to the point where we fight a lot, I want you to be able to walk away. I do not want to be like Bryce and Emma.”
“I promise, I won’t let us be like them,” he says.
“Okay,” I say. “So... we’re, like, for real dating now?”
“Yeah.”
I smile. “It doesn’t really change anything, because everybody already thinks we’re dating.”
“It changes everything,” he says.
I look at him, wondering what he means.
“Now I can kiss you.”
And he does.
In my head, this is my first kiss. I don’t count what happened with Brooks, because I didn’t want that kiss. But I do want this kiss, and it couldn’t be more perfect than it is with Estaine.
Right here, with his lips against mine, my hands running through his hair—it’s perfect.
Wednesday, September 6
Forgiveness.
The next day, Estaine and I are both unable to wipe the smiles off our faces. All our friends notice, of course, but what can we tell them? We weren’t really dating, just pretend dating, but now we’re for real dating? No. So, for now, it’ll just be our little secret.
Estaine and I walk to the soccer fields together and sit in the stands by our friends.
Tonight, the girls’ soccer team is playing against West Raven Academy. I’m a little nervous that Brooks will show up, but I relax when the game gets started and I still haven’t seen him. I’d really like to avoid that, if possible. I’m not really mad at him anymore, mostly just aggravated. Once I tell Brooks that I am for real dating Estaine, he probably won’t want to talk to me anymore, so it doesn’t really matter.
I am a little jealous of Teagan tonight, watching her on the field. I should be out there playing, too, and the fact that I’m not is just another reminder that this life... it’s fake. Even my name is fake.
Estaine squeezes my hand, as if he knows what I’m thinking. He smiles at me, and I’m reminded that he is real. We are real. He might possibly be the only real thing in my life right now. But he’s enough.
Somebody sits to the right of me and I look over to see Emma. She has tears running down her face, and I automatically know that she and Bryce have broken up. Again. I resist the urge to roll my eyes, because she’s clearly hurting.
“What’s the matter?” I ask her, just to be polite.
“Bryce...” she sobs. “We broke up earlier. Just a few hours ago. And I just saw him kissing another girl under the bleachers.”
Emma wipes under her eyes.
“Do you want me to beat him up for you?” I ask, because I have wanted to beat him to a pulp since I first met him. Now I know I’m strong enough to do it. If I can take on Estaine, Bryce would be no problem at all.
Bryce is kind of short for a guy. He’s barely taller than I am. And he’s super skinny.
“No. I just want us to be over for real,” she says. “I want to be strong enough to tell him no when he tries to get back together with me. But I can’t ever seem to tell him no, and I hate myself for it.”
“Maybe if I rearranged his face a little bit, you wouldn’t want to date him anymore,” I say.
She laughs. “No, it’s okay. Honestly. I just want him to know how it feels. It kills me to watch him kiss somebody else. I should find a guy to kiss in front of him and show him how much it hurts.”
Ian, who is sitting on the other side of Estaine, leans forward. “My lips are up for the challenge.”
Emma actually smiles at Ian. “I’ll get back with you on that.”
“I’m surprised your other boyfriend isn’t here,” Ian says to me.
I roll my eyes. “Estaine is more than enough for me.”
“Brooks knows better than to show up here,” Estaine says.
“I don’t think anybody gave him that memo,” Emma says.
I look at Emma to see what she’s looking at. I follow her eyes to...
Brooks.
He’s standing at the bottom of the bleachers. Paige Lawson is talking to him. She is laughing at something he said, but he’s not looking at her. His eyes are searching the stands. They stop when they get to me. He smiles and walks off without saying a word to Paige.
Paige looks furious.
She locks eyes with me and if looks could kill, I’d be dead.
“I think she hates you even more,” Emma says.
But I’m more focused on the fact that Brooks is making his way towards us. On instinct, I scoot closer to Estaine. I can feel how tense he is beside me, but he relaxes when I scoot closer. Maybe he was worried that I still had feelings for Brooks.
My feelings for Brooks are... complicated. I’m still attracted to him. But I’m also mad at him. I know that he and I together would be toxic. I would be like Emma. That’s why I can’t be with him. I don’t have to worry about that with Estaine.
And I really do like Estaine.
“Hey, Phoenix,” Brooks says, then nods at Estaine. “Estaine.”
“I’ll just...” Emma says, standing up. “Go.”
She walks down the stairs.