I bite my lip, reeling in my opinions even as they threaten to burst out of me in a flood.
Here's the thing about expectations, they're illusions. Figments of our imaginations we weave from nothing and hold up to the world, like they're supposed to line up with it. It won't line up. The world doesn't play by our expectations because it doesn't owe us anything. Especially not the courtesy of rehearsing the script we've made for ourselves.
"Well, I'm going off the script. Fuck the script." I bundle up the rag and throw it at her. She catches it and smiles. "Ah, there it is. You should smile more often."
"Now you sound like my sister," she says.
"I bet you're a pain in the ass to her. My older sister's a huge pain in my ass." I look down and laugh. "And my younger sister, too. God, I miss them."
"Go see them."
"I am. This weekend, I'm off. I'm driving up for my mom's birthday." I smooth a hand over the back of my neck. "I haven't had a real conversation with my parents since...all that stuff went down."
I head to the register, pop it open, and grab a stack of bills to count. Lex comes up beside me and asks, "What about your ex? I hope you don't have to run into that piece of shit."
"You know what? I hope I do. I haven't faced him yet, and I intend to."
Lex thinks for a minute. "Has there been anyone after him? I mean, have you been with any guys since him?"
I shake my head.
"So let me get this straight. You lost your virginity and it went horribly wrong. And you haven't had sex since?"
"Is that really so surprising?"
"Julia, you do realize sex isn't supposed to be traumatizing, right? It's supposed to be tantalizing and, if you're with the right person, it's empowering."
"I'm scared," I blurt out.
"What are you scared of?"
"I wanted so badly for my first time to be special. Yeah. I know, that's the stereotypical girl's dream, right? That the first time will be on a bed of roses with the perfect lover. Instead, most of us get a clumsy troll on a creaky twin-sized mattress. I guess I got the added wonder of one that exploited me afterward."
She shuts her eyes. "I think you're giving too much power to it."
"What do you mean?"
"You're waiting to have sex again because you're scared, but the longer you wait, the more terrified you'll be of getting back in the saddle."
I snort. The saddle.
"What do you suggest? That I should just grab a horse and ride one just because?"
"Well, it's not like you can lose your virginity twice."
"I can't just have meaningless sex. I just can't."
"I'm not suggesting you do. I'm just telling you that it won't get less intimidating. You need to claim rights to your own body. Own it, and stop giving men so much credit. Women hold all of the power when it comes to sex. When you realize that, you'll stop being scared of leaning into what you want."
I get back to counting the cash in the register, but my thoughts carry me far away. She's right, I am avoiding sex. It's become a huge elephant sitting on my shoulders. And the time that's passed since my disastrous first time is just another widening gap, threatening to become a crater.
Chapter Thirty
Julia
"SO WHAT YOU'RE REALLY SAYING is, I won't be getting any sleep this weekend?"
We're in bed, on our sides, facing each other like usual. Somehow, the space between us has shrunk by the millimeter with each passing night, as we get more and more comfortable with our arrangement.
"Don't be dramatic, Giles."
"I'll get bags under my eyes," he says, that familiar playfulness twinkling in his eyes. "I'll be ragged and hideous by the time you get back. You won't even want to look at me."
I doubt that will ever be the case.
"If you're complaining about two nights of sleeping alone, what will you do when I get thrown in jail?"
"For what? Jaywalking?"
"For murdering my ex-boyfriend on sight."
His whole body stiffens, his lips gather into a flat line.
"I'm kidding," I rush to assure him, surprised by his reaction.
"You're going to see him?"
"Don't look at me like that. I don't want to, but there's too much I need to get off my chest. So yes, I'll go find him on my way out. Things feel unresolved and it's just going to eat away at me, all the things I haven't said. I need closure."
I can tell Giles doesn't like the idea, but he doesn't push the subject. Instead, he asks me about my family.
Whether I've talked to my mother. Yes, I have. A very tense conversation where she told me she's pleased I am coming to her birthday party.
Whether I've talked to my father. No, I have not, and I'm very nervous to see him again. I'm almost certain he blames me for what happened. Even if he believes I didn't know about the footage, as far as he's concerned, I'm at fault for having sex in the first place.
That's my dad. His world crumbled when he realized his daughter was sexually active. Never mind it was my very first time. Though, I don't think either of my parents knows that. I didn't exactly fill them in on that detail. I couldn't really get a word in edgewise between their angry tirades.
Saturday morning comes and my eyes fly open before the alarm I set on my phone even sounds. I leave Giles in bed, careful not to wake him, and get ready for my short road trip north to Orange County.
I take Pacific Coast Highway the whole way, basking in the sights of the ocean whenever the road winds in its direction for miles at a time. The silvery, overcast skies set a gloomy tone on the morning and I'm trying to not take it as an omen. The words Giles spoke on that Ferris wheel a few weeks ago, still resonate with me.
A leopard is more ferocious and dangerous when wounded.
It's such a simple fact, yet an incredibly powerful idea. To fight even harder when you're hurt takes a type of courage not often seen in any animal. But it's not over until it's over. Getting hurt, being knocked down, is only the beginning of an even fiercer fight.
It's what I should've done to begin with, but better late than never. Just the idea of driving back to face the fight fills me with adrenaline. It's refreshing, having made the decision to take the first step in reconciling the relationship with my parents.
My relationship with my family was the biggest casualty of this experience. It left me so isolated from them during a time in my life when I needed someone to lean on so badly. So I moved away, to lick my wounds, not knowing what else to do and not being brave enough to look any of them in the eye any longer. I'm trying to be brave now. I'm trying to move past it all by moving right back through it.
As I pull into my parents' driveway, nerves swoop in, slushing around in my stomach as I squeeze my eyes shut in dread. I take a deep breath.
This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been whoring yourself around like a cheap piece of meat.