Silence stabs at me from all directions and I wish I could reel my words back in. He's already told me about his father, a story which still makes my heart ache for him. But why is talking about his mother harder for him?
Just as I'm about to say something to curb the deafening stillness that's falling between us, Giles says, "I haven't talked to her in a long time."
"Oh."
"After my father died, we just pulled away from each other. We're alike in that way, my mother and I. We don't know how to deal with the heavy stuff. And between us, there was nothing else we could talk about. My dad was every beat of silence between us. She avoided my calls some days and some days I'd avoid hers. We would make plans to see each other and then cancel them at the last minute. Until we both sort of stopped making an effort."
"You don't think that will ever change?"
"I don't know. The more time that goes by the harder it is. You mean to reach out, but keep putting it off." He rubs his chin for a few seconds. When he speaks again, his voice is lower and his expression further away. "At first you say tomorrow, but then tomorrow turns into weeks, weeks into distance and distance into...a gap too wide to jump. The waiting turns to resentment. And the gap into an abyss."
Damn. His words slice right through me. That's exactly what I'm doing with my family. Now that I'm on summer break, I've had more than enough time to go visit them, to mend the bleeding relationships I left behind. It's been over a month since I've had any real contact with any of them, and even that was a stiff and formal phone conversation and utterly uncomfortable. The thought of reaching out now really is daunting.
Listening to Giles and the deep regret in his tone makes me realize that though the distance between my family and me seems wide, it will only get wider unless one of us has the courage to jump over it first. That's all it takes for a reconciliation. One person to put their pride aside and make the leap.
"You should call your mom, Giles. There's only one person in the entire world that knows what you're going through. Who feels your pain just as acutely. It's her. You two need to lean into each other's pain not avoid it because it's uncomfortable. You two need to help each other heal."
His lashes lower, hiding his eyes from me.
"Go to sleep, little leopard," he says, like he always does when I reach a subject he doesn't want to broach.
I prop up on my elbow and move closer to him. He stiffens as I place a hand on his shirt, on his chest, and lean over to press my lips to his cheek.
"You don't have to be afraid to talk about things. You can tell me anything, okay?"
"You pull it out of me anyway," he says. "I don't know how you do."
"It's sort of my area of expertise," I tease.
"Yeah, but...what if, in all your digging, you find something that scares you?"
Somehow, his question brings me the certainty that there's more to the story with his mother he's not telling me.
"You don't get it," I say. "I like your rough edges and even the not so rough middle you keep trying to hide from me."
"My middle is very rough. Manly and coarse."
"Nah, I bet it's melted caramel in there. Or bacon flavored cotton candy."
He laughs, closing his eyes and yawning widely. I close my eyes, too, but I hear myself say, "What did you do before? Before I came to sleep with you?"
His voice is strained with sleep when he responds.
"I can't remember. I can't remember anything before you."
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Julia
"WHY ARE YOU SO SMILEY?" Lex asks.
"Huh?" I'm distracted. The restaurant's closing and I'm cleaning up for the end of my shift. I didn't hear the kitchen doors open and thought I was alone.
She leans back on the counter, watching me. "You're smiling for no reason. And if I know better, people don't smile for no reason."
"Some people," I say with inflection, "don't smile at all."
"I smile plenty."
"Yeah, well, I hoped Mr. Suit's influence would help your chronic frown. I was wrong."
"His name's Jeremy. And you haven't answered my question."
"That's because I don't know what you're talking about. This is just how my face looks."
She taps her fingertips to her lips a few times then points at me. "You're seeing someone."
"Inaccurate statement." I'm saved from making eye contact, since I'm squatting down, restocking glasses.
"You've got a crush, then. Is it..." She slaps her hand on the counter. "No. Please tell me it's not that asshole you live with."
The last time I talked to her about Giles, I was complaining about him. I don't think I've ever said a good thing about him to her. I've kept everything good that's happened between us to myself for fear of being judged or having it all belittled. But in keeping tightlipped about how things have somehow shifted, I've painted him in an awful light. Not the kind of thing you can easily undo. To backpedal now, to try to explain that maybe I judged too quickly, or, worse, that he's different with me, all sounds stupid. Because it is, isn't it? When a girl says he's different with me, it usually makes me gag.
"I'm just looking forward to going to bed," I say. "I'm tired."
"So there's no guy? No crush?"
"Nope. I'm single and perfectly happy about it, actually." I clear my throat as I get to my feet again. "What about you? Are you happy with Mr. Suit?"
"Jeremy. And..." She pauses for just a second, but it's long enough for me to notice. "Yeah, I think I am."
"What's got you on the fence?"
She hesitates. "We fight a lot, to be honest."
"Really?" Seems kind of soon for that. "About what?"
"He's just on the controlling side. Nothing extreme, I wouldn't put up with that. Just little things he says, little things he does. He's learning, though."
"Be careful with that," I say. "He's older. You don't want him to think he's the center of your world."
"A man has never been the center of my world, not ever. He knows that. He also knows about my plans for the future and he insists on being part of them."
"Really? You're thinking about a future with him?"
She scoots over as I wipe down the counter.
"I know. I know it sounds crazy. But I see it, Julia. I see...steady ground with room to grow and build on. Stability. I see so much potential."
"You talk about him like he's real estate."
"Don't make me sound like I have no soul. I'm just not good with words. You know what I mean. I have my own goals that have nothing to do with him and I see him as someone who wouldn't hold me back from that. I wouldn't be with him unless he made sense for me, unless he fit into my plans for the future."
"Falling in love isn't like that, Lex. You can't plan it. You can't line everything up perfectly."
"See, I disagree. I think falling in love is very much a choice. You allow yourself to do it."
"Throw out the script, Lex."
"I can't. The script is all I have."