Drop Dead Sexy

“Forgive my ignorance, but just what is hoodoo?” Catcher asked.

“Fir starters, it ain’t no dark magic or tied to a religion. It’s about usin’ the gifts of the earth that God give us. It’s been passed down from generation to generation, and it come over with our ancestors from Ireland and Scotland. Then it got mixed in a little when we were a intermarryin’ with the Tsalgi’s.”

“The who?” I asked.

“The Cherokees.”

I nodded. “Ah. I see. So it’s a cross-cultural thing.”

“I guess you could say that. Anyways, when Randy come to see me, I’s able to make a yarb for his mama that give her another year. But I ain’t the good Lord, so I couldn’t save her.”

“A yarb?” Catcher questioned.

Olive waved her hand dismissively. “You city-folk would call them herbs.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Anyways, I didn’t see much of Randy after his mama died. Then one day outta the clear blue sky he come to see me. Said he wanted to learn my ways so he could mix it with the ways he’d learned at school.”

“And you agreed to teach him?”

Olive nodded. “’Cause I seen the gift in him. I hadn’t seen it in anyone since my Jewell. Randy was an honest boy, so he promised me half of all the profits he made on his side ventures. I ain’t never had no need for money, so onced I took care of a headstone for my dead husband, I give it to my children and grandchildren.”

“That was awfully kind of you,” I said.

“Randy was a fast learner. Whatever I made, he’s able to improve on it and make it just a tad better. He was particularly interested in the man boosting yarb I made.”

“Did this yarb give a man extra energy or something?” Catcher asked.

Olive smirked at him. “You might call it a resurrection yarb. It made dead peckers rise again.”

Catcher and I exchanged a glance. “You mean you made an herbal Viagra?” I asked.

“Sho did.”

“I’ll be damned,” Catcher mused.

“Men up chere in the mountains been needin’ and usin’ my man-booster long before any of them companies made stuff.”

“I see.”

Olive winked at Catcher. “Curious about it, ain’t ya?”

Catcher grinned. “I would be lying if I said no. At the same time, I don’t need any help in that area if you catch my drift.”

“It ain’t just fir dead peckers. It’s fir the whole experience.”

Catcher licked his lips and leaned forward. “Just exactly what does it do?”

Since the conversation was getting way off course and way too weird, I cleared my throat. “So what exactly does this man-enhancing yarb have to do with Randy being in hiding?”

“Like I said, Randy had been enhancin’ my mixtures. He made the mistake of getting’ a little greedy, and even though he hadn’t perfected the mixture, he went ahead and sold a batch to the wrong man.” She glanced around before continuing. “A man in the Dixie Mafia.”

Catcher sucked in a breath. “Wait, the real Dixie Mafia?”

“Is there another one?” Olive huffed.

“No. It’s just I’ve been in the area investigating them.”

“You ever hear of Ronald Krump?”

Catcher’s forehead creased. “No ma’am. I don’t believe I have.”

“Well, he’s the one who had a beef with Randy over the man enhancing.”

“Because he sold him the bad batch of man yarb?” Catcher questioned.

“That’s right.”

A question had been forming in my mind. “What made the batch bad? Did it not work or something??”

“Oh, it worked all right. Too well.” OIive shook her head. “He’s a terrible man, but I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”

“What happened to Ronald?” I asked.

Olive exhaled a deep breath. “His pecker blew off.”

Silence permeated the room as Catcher and I sat there staring at Olive. I think we were both waiting on her to say, “Just kidding.” But she never did. So we just kept sitting there trying to process the possibility of what she had just said.

Finally, after what felt like a brief eternity, Catcher said, “I’m afraid I didn’t hear you correctly.”

“I said his pecker done blew off.”

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any crazier…“Are you trying to say that Ronald’s penis exploded?” I questioned in disbelief.

“It sho did.”

Catcher turned to me with an incredulous expression. “How is that even possible?” he muttered.

Olive harrumphed. “Well, I dunno know how it’s possible. I just knowed it happened.”

“I would assume the medicine caused his penis to swell so quickly and intensely that the blood flow had nowhere else to go,” I suggested.

“Except kaboom.”

I rolled my eyes at Catcher. “It would be more of a forceful hemorrhage.”

Catcher peered curiously at Olive. “Do you know what happened to his penis?”

“Apparently he had to undergo several reconstructive surgeries, but it was never the same.” A wicked look flashed in her eyes. “And it sho wasn’t operational after that either.”

“Damn. That blows,” Catcher said before snickering at his pun.