“How did it feel seeing Dylan after all this time?”
She took a deep breath. It was her own fault she was hashing out these feelings with her therapist. As soon as she woke up this morning, Sarah had called Elaine and asked if she could come in for a session. She needed to talk to someone, and since she wasn’t ready to share her feelings with her mother or her best friend, Elaine was her only option.
“Confused,” she admitted. “I knew it wouldn’t be easy to see him, but I didn’t expect to have all these emotions”—Sarah gestured toward her chest—“building up.”
“Describe the emotions,” Elaine prompted.
“Anger, sorrow, anxiety.” She held Elaine’s stare. “I realized how much I missed him as soon as I saw him. I thought I was over him.”
“It’s okay that you missed him, Sarah. He played a significant role in your life.”
“But he walked out. He…”
“Abandoned you?” Elaine stated. “The way Paul did?”
“Not the same way, no.” Paul had killed himself. He had permanently removed himself from the world, leaving Sarah feeling completely helpless and alone. Dylan had simply walked away and never looked back.
“No, I agree. Not the same. But you still feel as though he abandoned you.”
“Yes, I do.”
“How do you feel about him? Seeing him for the first time, what were your immediate thoughts?”
“That he looked good,” Sarah admitted. “He doesn’t look quite so … sad.”
“That’s a good thing, right?”
Sarah nodded. It was a good thing. No matter how much Dylan had hurt her, she still wanted him to heal from his pain.
“And are you thinking about Paul?”
“No.” Sarah dropped her eyes to her lap. “Yes. A little, I guess.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“About how he left me. About how he allowed his disease to win.”
“Today you’re angry with him.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.” Through the years, Sarah’s emotions had flip-flopped when it came to her husband. Some days she was sympathetic, wishing she could’ve helped him, hating the disease that had stolen his life. Other days she was angry that he hadn’t bothered to tell her what was going on. The fact that he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder—something she had learned from his doctor after he had taken his own life—was something she felt he should’ve shared with her.
Of course, there were plenty of days she felt guilty. Guilty that she hadn’t known what was wrong with him or even how to help him.
“Do you wish you hadn’t seen Dylan at the party?”
Sarah shook her head. “In a way, I’m glad I did.”
“Why’s that?”
“I’m hoping I can move on.”
“Do you want to move on?”
Sarah’s gaze snapped up to Elaine. “Of course I do.”
Elaine’s smile was soft. “I wasn’t stating otherwise, Sarah. In fact, I think you’ve made some rather significant changes in your life. Do you feel as though those changes helped you in seeing Dylan again?”
“Not really, no. I was instantly transported back to that night.”
“Are there things you want to say to him?”
Sarah considered that for a moment. “Nothing I’d want him to hear, no.”
Elaine placed her notepad on the small table beside her and sat up straight. “Let’s do an exercise. I want you to pretend that I’m Dylan. I want you to say the things that you don’t want to say to his face.”
Sarah was familiar with this method of Elaine’s. She’d done it numerous times over the years. Oddly enough, it usually did help.
“Okay.” She glanced around the room. “Do you mind if I stand up?”
Elaine gestured for her to do as she wanted.
Sarah forced herself to her feet and paced the floor, gathering her thoughts. When she stopped, she turned to Elaine and pretended she was Dylan.
“You hurt me.” She swallowed. “Although I don’t blame you for what happened between us, you still hurt me by leaving. I wanted to help you. I wanted to be there for you, but you wouldn’t let me. If I had known that I wouldn’t see you again, I would’ve done things differently.”
“Sarah?” Elaine’s tone was soft, comforting.
Sarah lifted an eyebrow.
“Are you talking to Dylan or Paul?”
She thought about what she’d said.
“I want you to do something,” Elaine began. “I want you to think about Dylan for a little while. Think about the things he has been through, the things he has done. You told me yourself that he’s an alcoholic.”
“He is.” Sarah took a seat once more.
“You’re a fixer, Sarah. But it isn’t your place to fix Dylan. If he wants help, he will ask for it. I want you to remember that he’s not Paul. You told me yourself that there wasn’t a commitment between the two of you.”
“There wasn’t. I was a willing participant.”
“Then don’t hold that against him. You need to focus on you.”
She knew that.
“You take so much on yourself, Sarah. But you need to remember that other people are responsible for their own actions. You are responsible for yourself.”
Sarah understood what Elaine was saying, but it was hard to agree.
“Do you feel responsible for your sister abandoning her son?”
Sarah swallowed hard. “No. She did that all on her own.”
“But you picked up the pieces because you didn’t want Jake to go without.”
Sarah nodded. That was true.
“And by doing that, you helped that little boy grow into a fine young man. And you learned early on that you couldn’t change Tara. You couldn’t make her want to be a mother. You couldn’t fix her, Sarah. The same way you couldn’t fix Paul and you can’t fix Dylan. But you can take care of yourself. You can do what makes you happy.”
“I know that.”
“Good. Then let’s work on that, shall we?”
Sarah nodded. It was the only thing she could do.
chapter FOUR
Four days later, Friday
“HI, MOM,” SARAH GREETED WHEN she saw her mother’s number on her phone screen.
“How are you?” Jillian’s chipper tone reflected the smile she likely had on her face.
“Good. You?” Sarah moved away from the large picture window she’d been staring out of, no longer lost in the inky darkness laid out before her.
“No complaints here,” her mother said. “Just checking on you.”