I wasn't.
All through practice I was thinking about Ami and then the game and then back to Ami and how fucking good everything felt between us last night. I wasn't focused at all.
When I got back to my condo, Ami was sitting on the couch eating cereal, and I wanted a distraction before we played our biggest rival, the Detroit Red Wings. I wanted to feel what I felt last night.
Moments later, my pants were gone and hers were being removed.
I wanted to feel her beneath me on the bed, and she seemed cool with that, too, and let me carry her in there. My hands found the edges of her panties, getting ready to remove them. Her back arched and my heart pounded. She wanted it.
"Is this okay?" I asked, wanting to be sure, my voice low and gritty as my hands traveled the length of her body before settling between her legs, which were completely bare for the first time.
Ami nodded, the motion slow and calculated. Part of me wanted her to say no. I couldn't understand how she wanted this. Look at what she had been through. Wouldn't being physical with a guy be hard for a girl in her situation?
It wasn't for Ami and that was just another part that I struggled with.
"Are you sure?" My breath and words shook hoping that she understood.
"Yes."
"There's no going back. You know that, right?" I didn't have the intention of having sex with her right then. But…it was heading that way, and this time, by the look in her eyes, I didn't want to stop. Not this time.
Ami swallowed and spoke the only truth I knew, "There never was."
My breath was heavy on her cheek, my chest rising and falling quickly just like hers. We knew what this would change.
When I turned my head back to hers, her eyes were dark and passionate, causing the breath to catch in my throat in anticipation. We were actually about to do this. I didn't wait and leaned forward, hungrily possessing her mouth with mine.
My hands moved to her face and then around her neck until my fingers wrapped in her hair, combing through the strands and possessively wrapping around her. I could feel the raised bumps from where her scar was on her scalp, but this time it didn't send that sharp pain to my gut. This time I was too caught up in what was about to happen.
I was about to take something from this girl, and she was giving it to me, willingly. She wanted me to be that guy for her. It wasn't hard to see that I had reservations with being physical with Ami for a while. Now wasn't any different, but I saw her, felt her, and heard her. She wanted this. She needed it, if that made sense. For a long time, I couldn't make myself make a goddamn move. Now, I guess I needed to. I needed it for reasons I didn't even know or understand. I needed to make a move because this wasn't just about me. It was just as much about this girl and us together. Give and take, right?
Her body started shaking, and that was when I stopped. Maybe I had been wrong in my assessments. It wouldn't have been the first time.
"Ami, honey, what's wrong?" I asked, my hand smoothing her hair from her face as my eyes, deep with desire, began to fill with concern. She didn't seem okay with this.
Maybe it was too much, too soon, too something. Pushing my weight to one side, I looked down at her waiting for an answer.
"Nothing," she insisted, trying to shake her fear away, and reached up to pull me back down against her.
"Talk to me," I urged, my body still as I hovered over her.
"I'm scared," she whispered, lacking the confidence in her tone that I was looking for. It was more than that. She was terrified of this. Wanting to do it and actually doing it was completely different for girls. I understood that early on.
Ami wanted this, but she was terrified of how she would feel.
"I'm just…" Her small voice against my shoulder faded. I tried to get her to look at me, but she wouldn't or maybe she couldn't?
"Just what?" I pressed when she still wouldn't look at me, my voice full of patience and understanding should she decide she didn't want to do this.
"Nervous." Ami shifted, her pelvis moving against mine, and fuck if I didn't want to move too, just a little. Shit. I had to squeeze my eyes shut as she continued, "Scared. Not scared of you," she insisted, kind of rambling. "I don't know. This is different. I know that, but I'm scared. Scared that it won't be the same after this. No longer exciting or new."
"Ami, stop," I interrupted, rolling us over to lie on our sides. I had to switch positions. "You have nothing to worry about. I'm not going anywhere. We don't have to do this. If you're not ready, we won't. As long as you need, I'll wait for you. It's more than sex for me. Yeah..." I motioned to my still straining erection against her thigh. "...sex is on my mind a lot, but we'll get there eventually. It doesn't have to be tonight."