NEVER APOLOGIZE
The Left delights in extracting apologies from the victims of public shaming. From Jack “The Southern Avenger” Hunter to Justine Sacco, one of the first signs of leftist victory is the sight of someone verbally flogging themselves in public. Like prisoners emerging from Big Brother’s torture chamber in room 101, you can expect to see the phrases that mark a broken spirit: “I’m sorry.” “I’ll try to do better.” “I’m learning to be a better person every day.” “Thank you, mob of faceless Internet vigilantes, for educating me.”
If you want to win, the first step is not to admit defeat. The only exception to this rule is if you say something you didn’t intend to, and people are left thinking you mean something you don’t.
But in general, never apologize.
WORK HARDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE
I’m not the best because I’m the funniest or the smartest or the most attractive person among conservative and libertarian celebrities. I’m the best because I work harder than everyone else and I surround myself with people who are smarter than I am.
I love to bang on about Mariah Carey but my real idol is Madonna. Madonna isn’t the best singer or dancer in the world. But she’s the hardest working person in the business and has been for decades. Like me, she’s merely above average at everything. Like me, she is a great talent scout and has terrific instincts for what’s coming next.
The same goes for Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. I’m obsessed with both of them.
You don’t have to be born with preternatural talents like Billie Holiday or Dusty Springfield. You just have to show up to work and resolve every day to crush the competition.
You can be number one through sheer force of will. I’m living proof.
STAY HUMBLE
I’m the best at being humble. No one can touch my modesty. Be like me, and stay grounded!
BE TWICE AS FUNNY AS YOU ARE OUTRAGEOUS
Does anyone remember how the alt-right died? An idiot named Richard Spencer took control of the movement. Spencer is offensive and hateful without being funny. He does his best to emulate the wittier elements of the movement, cringingly referencing Pepe and “meme magic” in his speeches, but it doesn’t convince anyone. In the early days of the alt-right, tweeters were having fun with forbidden ideas. Spencer was having forbidden (and bad) ideas about things and trying to transplant the fun in afterwards.
I want people to be allowed to make jokes about, and discuss, anything they want. I don’t think people should be ostracized for doing so. I don’t fear the ideas of people like Spencer, nor do I feel a need to hide them from view. I have enough trust in ordinary people to examine and reject bad ideas on their own. Bill Maher is right, “Sunlight is the best disinfectant.”
I will always defend the right of people to make jokes about whatever they choose, and mercilessly attack people who want to destroy the lives of 20-somethings over alt-right memes and 4chan trolling campaigns.
Be twice as funny as you are outrageous, because no one can resist the truth wrapped in a good joke.
“NOT AN ARGUMENT”
This one doesn’t come from me, but from Canadian philosopher Stefan Molyneux. Molyneux, who frequently dabbles in dangerous topics like race, intelligence, anarchism and religion, has said this so often on his YouTube channel that it has become a meme.
Simply put, when someone calls you names, as the Left is so fond of doing, there is no need to be upset, ruffled, or apologetic. These are just outbursts of moral rage, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. If you make a point, or reveal a fact, and someone responds with cries of “Racist!” “Sexist!” “Homophobe!” or any other ways that the Left now spells “heretic,” just coolly respond with that now-immortal phrase:
“Not an argument!”
FACTS OVER FEELINGS
In this book, you will have encountered several excellent examples of what the internet calls “hate facts.” You now know, for instance, that black gang violence eclipses police violence as a threat to black lives. You will now know that the fabled “rape culture” on college campuses doesn’t exist, and the “gender pay gap” is a myth. You will know that being fat isn’t healthy, although quite frankly, I think most of you are smart enough to have figured that last one out on your own.
You should never miss an opportunity to spread these facts around, especially if you’re at college. Your peers are currently living in one of the most brainwashed eras of our history. The media, academia, and pop culture are all working overtime to get them to believe things that simply are not true. They are offended when this fragile worldview is confronted with reality, which is one of the reasons why so many of the younger generation today retreats into safe spaces. However, you cannot spare their feelings.
The only way to beat propaganda is to spread the truth faster than the machine spreads lies.
Facts over feelings.
And that brings me to my favorite rule of all …
SEEK ATTENTION
People often accuse me of being an attention-seeker. They’re right, of course.
Or at least mostly right.
I may be a flamboyant egotistical attention-whoring diva faggot, but all my flouncing, Valley-girl craving for attention also serves a noble purpose: it draws attention to my arguments, my principles, and the causes I champion as well as my impeccable sense of style and Adonis-like good looks.
One of the mistakes libertarians make endlessly is that they assume people actually read their brilliant essays on why roads should be privatized. I mean, they’re probably flawless, but that doesn’t mean anything if no one’s paying attention.
I’ve galvanized a movement because I know how to put on a good show. I don’t turn up on stage and reel off a list of staid talking points. I turn up on stage dressed as Marilyn Monroe, have my deputy slap me in the face with whipped cream, throw up a slideshow of the hottest and spiciest memes of the moment… and then I reel off a list of talking points, after I’ve ensured no one at the back is falling asleep.
We live in an age where the competition for attention is getting tougher and tougher. Half a century ago, everyone watched the same channels on TV because, well, there wasn’t much else. Now there are thousands of channels, YouTube feeds, books, games, and websites competing for the public’s eyeballs. If what you have to say is important, you have to know how to get people listening.
BE HOT
This sounds difficult, but it’s very important. You have got to be hotter than your opponents. We live in an age of “fat acceptance” and the celebration of the mediocre. A high school sports day where everyone gets a prize. No.
Don’t settle for second-best. Hit the gym, go on a diet, go to a tanning salon. Don’t waste money on McDonald’s, spend it at Louis Vuitton.
Advocate for tax exemptions for anyone under 12% body fat!