“I think I do,” I say, looking onstage at the woman dancing in front of me. I see her, but I don’t see her, if that makes sense. She’s dancing on the pole in nothing but a white thong, and her body is amazing, but it doesn’t stir anything inside of me. I don’t want to fuck her. Great, Jo’s fuckin’ ruined me for other women.
I read somewhere that once you feel a mental connection with someone, it’s hard to go back to what you were used to before that. I honestly think that’s what keeps a relationship going. You need the mental, physical, and intellectual connection. And you need friendship. No one wants to hurt their best friend. Great, now I’m a fuckin’ philosopher or something. Although I do have a degree in philosophy, so maybe I’m qualified in my drunk rambled thoughts. In fact, I should write this shit down and turn it into a book or something. Our drinks arrive and I greedily swallow mine, while Talon watches me with a concerned look on his face.
“What happened?” he finally asks when the next girl comes up onstage. “I haven’t seen you drink like this since the night you knocked out Anna and felt guilty about it.”
“Don’t let her know that,” I grumble, leaning back and watching the redhead. Again, nothing. My dick doesn’t even stir, it just sits there, uninterested.
Fuck my life.
“We had our first real fight,” I tell him.
And then, something hits me.
We had our first fight, and I didn’t handle it how I told her I would. We didn’t sit and talk it out. She had her say, I mentally disagreed but couldn’t take how much her words hurt me, so I walked out and went home. There was no talking it out and there definitely wasn’t any makeup sex, and now I feel kind of slighted. Why did I walk away? I shouldn’t have. I should have been patient, sat down with her and spoken to her until we sorted it out. I should have calmed her down, told her that everything will be okay, because we’re in it together.
But I didn’t.
Fuck.
“So go and make up,” Talon says, shrugging like it’s no big deal. “Tell her you’re sorry, then go and fuck her and remind her why she likes you in the first place.”
“That easy, huh?”
“It’s never that easy,” Talon says, barking out a laugh. “But if it were, life would be boring, don’t you think?”
“I think I could use some boring right now,” I say on a sigh. I look down into my glass, surprised to see that it’s empty. “Who finished my drink?”
“That would be you, Ranger,” Talon says, chuckling to himself.
“Pony” by Ginuwine starts to play, and I fuckin’ love this song, so I raise my arm in the air and cheer.
“Seriously?” Talon asks from next to me. He looks on the verge of laughter again, although I don’t know why, but at least he’s in a good mood. He’s not a bad party buddy, that Talon.
“It’s a classic,” I point out, looking for another waitress. I’m too drunk to drop by Jo’s house now, so I might as well go all out and get wasted tonight, then go to her tomorrow, when my head is clear. I texted Elizabeth and told her I couldn’t make it tonight, but if she’s feeling unsafe, she’s welcome to stay at the clubhouse. She replied and said Helen is home tonight, so she’s fine, and she hopes everything is okay with me. I find it a little ironic that she said she’d be fine without me, when if she was so before, maybe Jo wouldn’t have been pushed to her breaking point.
Johanna.
I wish she were here.
I look up at the stage and cringe. Okay, maybe not here, here, but I wish I was with her.
Maybe I’ll just go and see her now.
TWENTY-EIGHT
Johanna
I AWAKE with a jump as I hear a banging on the front door. I grab my gun from my nightstand drawer and walk to the front door, barefoot, in nothing but my panties and T-shirt. When I turn on the light and look through the peephole I see Ranger standing there, looking disheveled. I quickly open the door and let him in.
“Good morning,” he says, flashing me a lopsided smile. I can smell the alcohol on him from here, and I wonder where he’s come from and how he got here.
“You didn’t drink and drive did you?” I ask, scowling. “Or ride.”
“Talon dropped me off,” he says, closing the door behind him and locking it. “I wanted to talk to you, and it can’t wait until tomorrow.” He steps closer to me, but stops and leans against the wall for support.
“Talon dropped you here?” I ask, wishing I could have met the man I’ve heard so much about. “What, like a father dropping off his son at his girlfriend’s house?”
Ranger smirks. “I found it hilarious too.”
“Had a bit to drink, have you?” I ask as he wraps his arm around me and walks with me back to my bedroom. I put my gun away and watch as he removes his jacket and jeans and climbs into my bed.
“Just a bit,” he says, resting his hands behind his head and watching me. “I missed you.”
“So you decided to drop by at two a.m.?” I ask, lifting the sheets and sliding in next to him.
“Yeah,” he says, snuggling into me. “We have some unfinished business.”
“We do?” I breathe, laying my head on his chest.
I’m glad he came.
When he walked out of my house, I felt terrible. I wanted him to come right back, but I was too proud to say anything, and it wouldn’t have changed anything. He didn’t say much; he listened to me. He didn’t argue against my points. He didn’t agree either. He just nodded like he respected my wishes, said okay, and then left my house.
I don’t think I wanted him to respect my wishes. Have I always been so complicated?
“Remember I told you what would happen after our first fight?” he says, kissing the top of my head. “We’re going to talk it out. We’re going to solve it. And then we’re going to have the best makeup sex that ever existed.”
“Bold claim,” I murmur, licking my dry lips. “Do you want to wait until morning to have this talk? Maybe when you’re sober and suffering with a hangover.”
“I’m not so drunk that I don’t know what I’m saying,” he says, rubbing my back. “I shouldn’t have left your house today. Your words hit me, babe. I didn’t know how to handle them. All I heard over and over was you saying that you can’t handle being with me.” He takes in and releases a deep breath, then lowers his voice to add, “I’m sorry.”
I feel like he’s not a man who apologizes often. “Apology accepted. I know it sounded like I was saying I wanted out, but I just can’t see an alternative. I was upset. I shouldn’t have said that I couldn’t do this, especially when I don’t even know if I meant it.”
“I’ll tell her that I’m seeing someone and, if she feels unsafe, to call me, but I’ll make it clear that we will only be friends, and that will never change, okay?”
I nod my head against him.
“I don’t want you to feel like you’re in this alone, because you’re not. If I could fix this for you I would, and I’m going to try to, okay? I don’t want to be without you, Jo. It sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but I think I can make you happy. So don’t take yourself away from me.”
I close my eyes, letting his words hit me. “Okay,” I whisper. “I won’t.”
“No running, Jo.”
“No running,” I repeat.
He lifts my face up and kisses my lips. Then against them he says, “Now it’s time for the making-up part.”
I smile and kiss his lips.