WITH my eyes closed, I run my fingers down the inside of his forearm. I like it when he’s in bed with me. Just his presence—it’s peaceful. I don’t mind waking up to his knocks on my door early morning; in fact, when I heard them I woke up with a smile. Now I’m half-asleep, and he’s next to me, doing cute things like running his hands through my hair and massaging my scalp, lulling me into a more relaxed state. My fingers graze his, and that’s all I remember before I fall back into a deep sleep.
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“How have you been doing?” I ask Elizabeth as I sit down at her dinner table. Everyone wanted to have a family dinner.
“Pretty well,” she says, taking a sip from her glass of red wine. “I’ve been talking to a professional about everything, and it’s helping. I’m going back to work next week. I want my life back. I don’t want to be broken, I want to be whole.”
“You should be so proud of yourself,” I tell her. “For being so strong.”
I know nothing about psychology, but I do know enough about post-traumatic stress. I’ve seen it over the years in the force. There are some things you can’t come back from. They change you, the pain irreversible.
“You know, I never thanked you for everything you did to find me,” she says, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Helen told me how you never gave up, how determined you were.” She puts her glass down and pulls me in for a hug. “Thank you, Jo. Without you and Cam . . .”
“Don’t even think about it,” I tell her, rubbing her back. “It’s over now. And I was just doing my job.”
“You did more than your job and you know it,” she says quietly, pulling back and smiling gently. “And you brought Cam back into my life. If there’s anything I can ever do for you, please let me know.”
I force a smile and reach for the bottle of wine, pouring myself another glass. I try to compartmentalize my life, but when she keeps bringing him up, it’s hard for me to deal with what’s going on right now. She’s talking about Cam, but she doesn’t know that he’s my Ranger. The guilt hits me straight in the chest. She’s going to hate me. It’s gone so far that I don’t know what to do, what to say, or how to bring it up. Do I handle it, or does he? Do we sit her down together? I don’t know. I’m a terrible person. This girl is my blood, my family, and I’m continuing to be with Ranger behind her back. She deserves to know the truth.
“Hey, is everything okay?” she asks me, brow furrowing in concern. “You just drank that whole glass like we’re at a frat party.”
I wish we were at a frat party.
“I’m fine,” I utter, glancing around the room. “I’m going to grab some water from the kitchen. Do you want anything?”
“No, I’m good,” she says, still watching me.
I stand up and walk into the kitchen, grabbing a glass and running some tap water from the sink into it. As I stare out the window into the darkness, I wonder what Ranger is doing right now. In this moment, I know that this can’t go on. I don’t want to go home alone tonight while he comes here to look after Elizabeth. I can’t do it. The whole truth has to come out. I can’t keep going from feeling like I’m on top of the world to feeling like the worst person in it.
This isn’t me.
Feeling impulsive, I send him a quick text, telling him that we need to talk.
“You okay?” my cousin Jack asks me, coming to stand next to me.
“I’m fine,” I say, turning to look at him. “Just tired. How’s everything with you?”
“Not bad,” he says, concern still etched on his face. “Just busy with work, I’m sure you know how that is.”
“Yep,” I say, forcing a smile. “You still out breaking hearts or what?”
He puts his hand on his chest. “I’m hurt you think that of me, Jo. I can’t help it if I’m a favorite of the ladies.”
I roll my eyes, turning to face him. Jack is a baby at nineteen, and a total heartbreaker. If you look into those brown eyes though, you can tell he’s an old soul. “I hope you’re using protection.”
He starts laughing, leaning on the counter for support. “I’m not going to get anyone pregnant, don’t you worry.”
“The pullout method doesn’t work,” I advise.
He tries to keep a straight face. “And how do you know that?” He rubs my stomach. “Secret bun in the oven?”
“No,” I say, playfully slapping his hand away. “That’s how your mom told me she got pregnant with you.”
He stills, cringing. “I could have lived without knowing that, Jo. Thanks, really, thanks. I’m going to get myself a drink.”
He exits the kitchen, leaving me giggling to myself.
Is everything okay?
I stare at my phone. Is everything okay? I have no idea. I reply and tell him I’ll text him when I get home, and ask if he’s free to come over so we can talk face-to-face.
Of course. Text me and I’ll be there.
Elizabeth and Helen walk into the kitchen, and I hear the end of their conversation. “We’re just getting to know each other again. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me, I want him to want me.”
Fuck.
So that’s her plan. I think I’ve been in denial, thinking that just maybe she wanted him around as a friend. Total denial, and it’s been easy because I haven’t seen her that much. But now, here in her house, hearing her talk about him, I realize that we’ve been handling the whole thing terribly wrong.
Shit.
“So you guys haven’t kissed or anything?” Helen asks, sounding surprised. “You make me leave the house every time he comes over and you haven’t even kissed? I might as well be here watching movies with the two of you, then.”
And this is my breaking point.
I make it through the rest of the night, distracted, but pretending everything is fine. I reply, I smile, I socialize, but when I make it to my car, I let the reality of the situation hit me.
I’m not going to cry.
Elizabeth will get over it eventually, right? It’s not like she’s in love with him. Sure, she’s made soul mate comments, but that’s just a theory, isn’t it? Can you love someone who never loved you back? Can you love someone you’ve known for only a short period of time?
I don’t believe in instalove. No, I didn’t believe in instalove. I don’t know if I’m in love with Ranger or not, but I know this is something. I don’t want to hide the fact that we’re together. I don’t want to have to hide anything. The whole situation has gotten out of control, and it needs to be reeled in.
What scares me the most is that more than my cousin being angry at me, I don’t want to lose him.
I’d never admit that out loud.
I put the radio on full blast, trying to block out my own thoughts, but it doesn’t help. At this point, I don’t think anything can.
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