I didn’t hesitate. “I haven’t been with anyone since you, baby.” I told her the honest-to-God truth, needing her to know that there was no one else for me, but her. “I had every intention of reading ‘our story’ when Alex gave it to me. It was the same day I received my six-month sobriety chip. I tried to read it every day since then, but I wasn’t ready to relive the past, when my future was finally full of possibilities. Up until three months ago, the book sat on my nightstand. When I finally decided to read it, I devoured the entire thing in one sitting. Staying up all night until I’d finished it. After that day, I read it again and again and again. You are so fucking talented.”
Her eyes showed more emotion than I had seen in a long time. Her bright blue gaze intently focused on what I was saying. I leaned across the table, needing to feel close to her. Reaching for her hands to hold them in mine.
I recited from her book, “Have you ever met someone that you felt like you already knew with every fiber of your being? Knowing it was physically impossible, knowing it was the first time you had ever laid eyes on him, knowing that he was a complete and utter stranger. But, feeling it in your heart, in your mind, and in your soul that this person was a part of you. Someone you possibly met in a previous life, someone who may have meant something to you. I locked eyes with the guy across the room and a sense of deja vu hit me, I felt like I had seen him before, his presence was comforting and intriguing, although in my head I knew he was a complete stranger. I felt a pull towards him, like he was a piece of a puzzle that was missing from my life. I knew something was brewing. Something big. Important. Life-changing. The way he looked at me, consumed me in ways I never thought possible. There was a predatory, yet captivating glare in his eyes. As if I was the answer to every question he ever had.”
Her eyes widened in disbelief, tears pooling immediately.
“I felt every single one of those things you described in our love story, Daisy. Every last one of them. And yes, the second I laid eyes on you… you answered every question I ever had.”
Tears fell from her eyes, and I squeezed her hand in comfort. Wanting to hold her anyway I could. I reached across the table, rubbing her tear-stained cheek with my thumb.
“I need to make amends with you. I can’t pass my ninth step in my recovery until I do. I know I’ve said this to you a hundreds, thousands, possibly millions of times, but from the bottom of my fucking heart and soul, baby, I am so sorry. I needed to forgive myself from the guilt of everything I did to you. To my family, my friends, the car accident. Before I could love myself. Before I could feel whole again. I’m not asking for you to forget, I’m begging you to forgive.”
She sniffled. “I forgave you a long time ago, Austin. I forgave you the moment I left your hospital room.”
“I know it’s going to take time for you to trust me again. Fuck… it’s taken almost three years for me to trust myself again. But I need you in my life.”
“Austin, I—”
“I’m not saying we go back to being what we were. I don’t want to go back to the past. I want to move forward in the future with you. I want to be your best friend, Daisy. I miss your friendship more than anything in this world. Your love, your kindness, your smile, your laugh. Us. I miss hearing your voice, even your snoring,” I chuckled.
“I don’t snore. I have allergies,” she giggled, sniffling again.
And it was still the sweetest sound I’d ever heard.
“Your allergies then. I miss those too. I just… I. Miss. You. If we could be friends again. Start from the beginning with a clean slate. If we could start in a new place, find our way back to whatever we’re supposed to be to each other. I know in my heart, as well as in my mind, body, and soul that you’re meant to be in my life one way or another. And you know that too. You wouldn’t have written it, if you didn’t.”
She took a deep breath. I wasn’t surprised in the least that she was hesitating. I couldn’t blame her after everything I’d put her through. The emotional roller-coaster ride that was never-ending, all-consuming, held her hostage for years and years.
“Let’s eat lunch, and then I’d like to show you something. Can we do that?”
She nodded, pulling her hands away.
We ate in comfortable silence both of us lost in our thoughts. Our plaguing emotions swirled all around us. I paid the bill and we walked out to my car. Once again driving in silence, I found myself reaching over the center console for her hand, kissing it before placing it in my lap. To my surprise, she let me. I couldn’t fucking help myself, I needed to feel her.
As soon as I drove into my neighborhood, she knew where I was going. From the corner of my eye, I caught her trying to hide a grin when she looked out the window. Parking my car in the garage we made our way into my house.
The home I purchased with a family in mind.
The same one I wanted with her.
Only her.
She slowly stepped inside through the garage door, immediately taking in all her surroundings from the kitchen to the dining room. Walking straight to the sliding glass door to gaze out at the dock she loved so much. Knowing she had already left a piece of her soul on the wooden planks. I watched her move to the living room, her fingers lightly skimming my furniture. Admiring the pictures on the walls and the shelves.