“Tell me what happened, Cooper. The worst of it. I won’t run.”
His long lashes lifted, revealing eyes glistening with fresh tears, and she drew closer to him. Her heart had belonged to him for so long. Even when he hadn’t been there, she’d still been his. As he wrapped her in his arms, she felt his powerful body against hers, and knowing that all that power, all that strength and determination still weren’t enough to fend off the devastation cut her to her core.
“I won’t hold you to that,” he said against her shoulder before pulling back and clearing his throat, obviously trying to regain control.
“For weeks, months, every minute was rooted in anger that I couldn’t let come out, because I still had to make a living, had to take care of my mother. I still had to make sure my brothers were okay. So by day I was living this lie, wearing a mask of civility, when inside I was so tightly wound I could barely breathe. And by night…Jesus, Cici. I’m not proud of this, and I won’t blame you if you tell me to leave, but by night I lost myself in anyone I could. One woman, two, whoever was willing to let me fight my demons without needing me to be fully present.”
He paused, and she knew he was waiting for a reaction, but she couldn’t even picture him doing that. He was so filled with love when he was with her. Even when their sex was dirty and rough, it was laden with emotions. But the honesty in his eyes told her it was true.
“Go on,” was all she could manage.
“I was careful—sexually, I mean. I never had unprotected sex.”
She closed her eyes against the unsavory images that flew through her mind.
“You can’t even look at me,” he said softly. “I don’t blame you.”
Her eyes came open at the hurt in his voice. “No, it’s not that. You’re so loving with me. The idea of you hurting so badly and having that much sex without someone who loved you enough to give you what you needed in return just kills me.”
“Cici, I wasn’t capable of feeling.”
Her heart broke a little more. “Sure you were. You were feeling everything you needed to feel in your grief, but if you had someone who saw your hurting for what it was, and your anger, and your grief…” She smiled and touched his cheek. He was so tough, he didn’t even recognize the need to be cared for. “While you still would have felt those things, maybe you wouldn’t have felt so alone in it all.”
A look of anguish and disbelief washed over him and lingered in his eyes. “I don’t even know what to say to that. How can you think about what I went through when I just told you I was using women?”
Hearing the blatant truth stung, but it didn’t override what he’d gone through. “Was it consensual?”
“Of course,” he snapped. “I wasn’t a monster.”
“Well, you’re trying to paint yourself as one.” She crossed her arms over her chest, confused by her own emotions. Shouldn’t she be livid at him for everything he’d just said? She took a good hard look at him again as he responded. His eyes were narrow and serious, his jaw was tight, and the muscles in his neck and chest were strained.
“I just want to be blatantly honest with you. I wasn’t a monster to those women, but I felt like a different person inside. Angry all the time, and then there was you…And I knew I’d ruin you if I went after you, and I must have known that you’d love me enough to try to stick it out. But that wouldn’t have been fair. I couldn’t have given you what you needed, even if you were giving me what I needed. And that added another layer of self-hatred. Not coming for you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I couldn’t even answer your calls. If I heard your voice, I’d have come for you. I changed my cell number just so I wouldn’t be tempted to drag you into my hell. It might have been my own doing, but that night I lost my father and the woman I wanted to be my wife.”
Tears stung her eyes again. “You changed your number?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I was weak. There was no way I could have handled talking to you. I knew I owed it to you to explain, to text at least, but every time I tried, all that came out was how much I loved you. Three days after I found out, I packed up my car to go see you. I figured I’d move there and start over, but Heath called. He was having a hard time that night, and he also rarely let his emotions show. I couldn’t leave my family behind. I was so fucked up, Cici. And a year later, when I tried to reach you, it was after I’d gotten rid of most of the anger, but I was still broken. I was nowhere near ready to try to have a relationship, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I was, and when you didn’t return my calls, I figured you wanted nothing more to do with me.”
“I didn’t,” she confessed in a whisper.