COOPER GATHERED CICI in his arms and held her close. His heart was full, his body sated, but his mind needed release. He’d never been someone who needed to relieve himself of his thoughts or relive the past, but he’d changed so much since Jackson and Erica had gotten engaged that he felt like a snake that had shed half its skin. He still had a ways to go, but with that shedding came the painful truth about the man he’d been over the past few years and the realization of what he’d been hiding from. He still didn’t have that part completely figured out, but if there was one thing he was sure of, it was that the woman in his arms was the only one he wanted—in his life and in his bed. And the only way he’d ever have that was to put it all out on the table. The good, the bad, and the embarrassing.
He turned her so they were nose to nose and pressed his lips to hers. The scent of their lovemaking mingled with the unique scent of Cici, stirring his emotions again. The unfamiliar feelings made his chest grow tight? and in the back of his mind was the man he’d been for so long—the one who wanted to hide from those feelings, bury them in meaningless sex and too many hours at work. But this time his heart reared its beautiful head and overpowered that fear.
Thank fucking God.
He brushed Cici’s hair over her shoulder and ran his fingers along the curve of her hip. He’d always loved her body, but now she was more curvaceous and womanly. She felt more real, and he loved that even more. “You still with me, sweetheart?”
“Mm.” Her eyes were closed, and the sated smile of a satisfied lover tugged at her lips.
“You promised me we would talk.” He knew he was pushing her, but he needed to clear the air.
Her eyes fluttered open, and she pressed her lips to his. “I thought guys hated talking.”
“With women they don’t care about, they do. With you, I want everything.” He kissed her again. “Talking.” He kissed her cheek. “Loving.” He kissed her other cheek. “Touching.” He kissed her forehead. “Everything.”
She rolled onto her back and laid her forearm over her eyes. “Maybe we should shower and dress? In case our talk doesn’t go well? So there’s no awkward finding of clothes or running out of the room naked?”
He lowered her arm so he could see her eyes. “Do you have that little faith in me?”
She sighed, and her pretty brows drew together in a painful reminder of their reality. His chest tightened, because why should she have faith in him? He’d left her high and dry, seemingly forgotten, though that wasn’t what had happened at all. Christ, this was a hard place to be, but Cooper was done running. Running hadn’t gotten him anything more than layers of self-loathing that he might never shed.
“I think we should talk naked,” he finally answered. “It’s harder to hide if I’m vulnerable, and I don’t want to hide anything from you.”
She nodded, a serious look hovering in her baby blues. “Where do we start?”
“I don’t know. This is the first time I’ve ever tried to talk about my past other than last night.”
“Ever?” Her eyes widened.
“Ever.” He stroked her cheek, needing the connection. “You need to understand, after the attack, I really lost it. I was angry, belligerent, aggressive. My father’s death, my mom’s…” He paused at the tears stinging his eyes and the lump quickly filling his throat. A piercing pain shot through his chest, and he forced himself to continue explaining. “She was in the hospital for weeks. Savagely beaten. Her face…” He looked up at the ceiling to stave off tears of anger and sadness. “Her beautiful face was so swollen, her eyes bandaged, and still—” Tears burned down his cheeks. “Still she was worried about us. She’d lost her husband, her sight, and everything she asked was about her sons. Were we okay? Did we want to talk? Was Logan losing his mind?”
He frowned at that last memory. “If I thought I had lost it, Logan was right there with me. He’d been away on tour with the Navy SEALS when they were attacked. He’s never forgiven himself.”
“But that’s not his fault,” she said softly.
“No, but fault doesn’t matter where guilt is concerned. I think of all the things I never got to say to my dad, all the things he’ll never get to see.” He lay on his back and swiped at his tears. “I’m sorry. I haven’t cried for years, but I want you to know the truth, and I can’t talk about this without feeling like it’s happening again.” He fisted his hands, trying to will away the storm inside him.
Cici went up on her elbow and looked down at him with tears in her eyes, too. “You don’t have to do this, Cooper.”
“I do. I want to. Cici, when I left you that last day, I went directly to a jewelry store in New York and bought you a ring. We had plans, remember? Kids, a house, the photography business we’d grow together.”
She rested her head on his chest, and her tears fell warm and wet on his skin.
“I remember,” she whispered.
“And that night I went home, unpacked, and started making plans to surprise you the next weekend. I had it all mapped out, even how I’d propose.” He smiled with the memory, and just as quickly the burn of reality stole it away. “And then, in the middle of the night I got the call.” Fresh tears slid down his cheeks. He gritted his teeth, and Cici placed her hand on his cheek, stroking away the tears with her thumb.
“You don’t have to continue,” she whispered.