Confessions of a Domestic Failure

“Okay, Anna will take you to breakfast! We have gift bags for everyone! Thank you, ladies!” Emily said, waving frantically.

I couldn’t believe it was all over. I didn’t want to go home to my real life where I’d be moving in with my mother-in-law, be friendless yet again and have to face my husband. I wanted to stay here in TV world.

I found my bag and began making my way over to the exit to have one last meal at the Emily Walker estate when Anna stopped me.

“You’re not done. Emily needs you for the next segment.”

“Next segment?” I repeated, confused.

“Follow me.” Anna led me back toward the set where the couches had been replaced by another pink armchair facing Emily’s.

I took the seat. Emily took hers and winked at me. What was going on?

“Five, four, three, two...!” the voice yelled.

“Hello, viewers! You just saw me announce the winner of the Motherhood Better Bootcamp, but I wanted to introduce you to one very special contestant, Ashley Keller.”

I tried my best not to appear as confused as I was.

I managed a weak wave.

“Ashley,” Emily said, placing her hand on mine. “If you watch The Emily Walker Show, and I know you do, you know that every so often, we honor a mom who takes a stand for what she believes in. Today, you are that mom. Please watch the footage.”

The room went dark, and behind us, a screen began to play a shaky video of the inside of an airplane. It looked oddly familiar.

A woman with crazy hair—me—was standing up and yelling. “Why don’t you have the decency to let this mother tend to her baby in peace!” It was me! On the plane! Defending the mom!

At the end of my rambling speech the lights went back on.

“Someone filmed it?” I managed to sputter.

“Yes, Ashley. Not only did someone film your courageous act, they uploaded it to MyTube. The video of you standing up for a mom being poorly treated received 600,000 views in less than twenty-four hours. Now it’s up to 1.5 million!”

“WHAT?” I yelled, forgetting I was on live television. Emily laughed.

“It’s not easy being a mom today,” she said. “There are so many expectations. You not only helped this one mom feel accepted in the world, but you helped all moms feel less alone when they watched that video.”

I felt hot tears stream down my cheeks.

“For that, we’d like to present you with the Emily Walker Hero award and a check for $10,000.”

I couldn’t control myself any longer. I began to sob.

“I can’t believe this. Thank you. Thank you,” I sputtered. I leaned over and hugged Emily, crying even harder.

“No, thank you!” Emily said.

A crew member leaned in and handed Emily a box of tissues. She handed them to me and I dabbed at my face, unable to stop the flow of tears. Offstage, I saw all of the moms smiling proudly at us. A new flood opened up.

“When we come back, I’ll show you three ways to upcycle used peanut butter containers!”

“Commercial!”

Emily and I stood up at the same time.

“Emily... this means so much. Thank you,” I blubbered.

Emily put her hands on my shoulders.

“Ashley, you are an amazing person. Last night you helped remind me why I do this.”

We hugged.

“I’ve got one more segment left—five baby arugula smoothies your toddler will love.”

“Sounds delish,” I said, and made my way to the group of moms waiting for me.

As soon as we were in the hallway and out of earshot of the set, they swarmed me.

“Go, Ashley!”

“Congratulations!”

Kimmie walked up to me. Her face was emotionless as she stood, her nose six inches away from mine.

“I’m so happy for you!” she said, and threw her arms around my neck, practically choking the life out of me.

To my surprise, I heard her sniffle. I hugged her back, shocked. “Thank you, Kimmie!”

She let go of my neck and wiped her eyes. “It’s just that, I know how that woman on the plane felt. Every time I take the kids to the country club I feel so stressed out that they’ll make too much noise. Everyone just glares.” She flapped her hands emphatically. “But what am I supposed to do? Stay at home 24/7?”

I smiled, nodding. Kimmie’s problems always sounded so glamorous.

Anna popped up with her trademark clipboard.

“Hello, ladies! It seems as if the overwhelming consensus is that a full breakfast isn’t in the cards because of your...adventure last night.” Anna looked up from her clipboard. “So we’ve taken the opportunity to pack each of you a lunch for your travel home.”

Chef Lorenzo and his kitchen staff walked down the hall carrying cute pink bags with pink-ribbon handles.

“Good morning, ladies!” Lorenzo looked as dashing as ever in his pristine white chef’s uniform with shiny silver buttons running down the front and a red apron. His crew began distributing the lunches.

“I’ve packed you all cold, slow-roasted, aged peppercorn beef sandwiches with our local buttery cheddar cheese,” he began. Someone behind me dry heaved.

Lorenzo’s eyes widened. “Perhaps I will not go into the details right now. You had some night.”

Lorenzo leaned into my ear. “Lovely tattoo, by the way.”

My body flushed. The skinny-dipping. I’d completely forgotten. He’d been there?

When I got back to my room I grabbed my computer and, typing faster than I ever have before, logged into Facebook to see if any of my new friends had posted incriminating photos from last night and to gauge the response to my televised tear fest. To my relief, there were only a few photos that included me. In all of them, I was smiling and fully clothed. Phew. And I wasn’t trending on Twitter. What a relief.

I was just about to check Instagram when Kimmie walked into the room.

“Crazy morning, huh?” she said, throwing items into her bag. “You know...” She stopped packing and stared at me. “I’m going to miss you and all of the moms here. You’re not the type of person I’d usually hang out with, or even notice, but I like you.”

“Thank you?” I said, getting up to start packing myself.

The rest of the morning flew by. After packing we headed downstairs where all the contestants stood in the foyer, surrounded by bags.

After a few more hugs and exchanges of email addresses, it was time to go. You’d think I’d be sad to leave the gorgeous mansion, catered meals and excellent sleep, but all I could think about was seeing Aubrey and David. I couldn’t wait to apologize for how nuts I’d been behaving and hold my baby in my arms.

It was already 11:30. My car was scheduled to arrive at noon to take me to the airport.

“My car’s here!” Kimmie said, lowering her sunglasses. She stared at me as if trying to comprehend my entire existence. “You’re a doll. It’s been real, hun.”

“It was great to meet you, Kimmie,” I said, giving her a hug.

“Congrats again on the prize. You deserve it, Ashley. You’re a good person.”

I smiled. If only she knew about La Lait and the DentaFresh debacle. I still hadn’t received an email back from Nina or Lola. Or anyone.

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