Confessions of a Domestic Failure

It was like someone punched me in the chest. “Your phone died?      Your phone died?” I couldn’t stop repeating it over and over.

He walked over to the kitchen and put his briefcase on a chair,      then took off his coat.

“Yes,” he said, rubbing his eyes with his palms. “Didn’t you      get my email?”

“Email? I haven’t been on my computer all day. Why didn’t you      call me from the office?”

“I’ve been in back-to-back meetings all day. I left as soon as      I could.”

I stood in the kitchen, unable to process what he was      saying.

“I’d love to talk, but I’m exhausted,” he said, kissing me on      the cheek before walking past me.

I followed him into the bedroom and watched him undress and lie      down. His eyes were just about to close when I blew a fuse.

“David.” My voice was so calm it scared me. It was scary calm.      The kind of tone only serial killers use. “David, do you see what I’m      wearing?”

His eyes fluttered. “Yeah. A dress. You look good.”

I was dumbfounded.

“Do you know why I’m wearing a dress?” I felt like a      kindergarten teacher quizzing her students on their ABCs.

He raised his hands, exasperated. “Ashley, I’m tired, okay? I      don’t have energy for whatever it is you’re getting at. Can you just spit it      out?”

I felt a searing heat creep up my spine like a volcano about to      explode lava, destroying everything in its path.

“Date night. Valentine’s Day. Need I go on?”

His face went blank and then...recognition. He jumped out of      bed and walked over to me cautiously. “That was tonight. Oh, my—I completely      forgot. I completely—it’s work. It’s been so stressful, Ashley. I will make this      up to you.”

I took a step back. “Stress? Do you think you’re the only one      stressed out right now? I haven’t had eight hours of continuous sleep for over a      year. I’m overwhelmed every single day. Yet somehow I don’t forget to show up      for the first date we’ve had since Aubrey was born.”

I tried my best not to raise my voice and my words came out      like hissed accusations.

David cupped my face with his hands. “I’m so, so sorry. You      have no idea how sorry I am. It’s this DentaFresh proposal, at the last minute      they let us know their marketing initiatives for the calendar year were changing      and—”

“Is this how it’s going to be?” I interrupted.

He froze, confused. “How what is going to be?”

“Am I, are we, going to come last after your job? Will I always      be waiting at home for you to toss me whatever crumbs are left over from your      important life in the outside world?”

David’s face fell. “No. It won’t be...it’s not like... I’m not      tossing anything—”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “I plan my entire day around you and      Aubrey. I cleaned all afternoon today. I bought a dress.”

His eyes flickered. “You bought a dress? For dinner? You have a      closet full of dresses.”

“Yeah, and none of them fit me,” I retorted painfully, each      word feeling like it burned on its way out.

David crossed his arms. “Then work out!” he erupted.

As soon as he said it, he looked shocked by his own words.

The air felt like it was sucked clean out of the room with one      of those infomercial vacuum sealers, but instead of raw cuts of rib eye, two      people were suspended in time.

He started to speak. “I didn’t mean... I’m tired...you      look...”

I held up a hand. “Just stop.”

I turned around and walked toward the door. Before leaving, I      turned back and said, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” His shoulders dropped. I headed      for Aubrey’s room. Once the door was closed behind me, I switched off the baby      monitor on the dresser and peeked at her. She lay still and I didn’t move until      I saw her take a deep breath.

I closed the door gently and made my way downstairs. I felt      like a zombie curled up on the couch. The fight with David and his words sat in      my chest, heavy and hollow. A few tears slid down my cheeks and I pulled my      phone out of my pocket.

Motherhood Better Bootcamp Journal       Entry

Hi everyone. This week has been really       busy but I did my best with the challenge. My husband planned a date night       and I won’t get into the details, but I got to see a new side of him. Xo Ashley





Friday, February 15, 6:30 A.M.

I woke up at 6:30 on the couch with a blanket over me. David must have put it there. I just didn’t feel like sharing a bed with him, not after how we’d ended things last night.

His words still stung.

I sat up. Something felt strange. Something was off. Then it hit me. Aubrey. She hadn’t woken up all night. My heart started pounding. Was she okay? As I stood up and flew upstairs I prepared myself for the absolute worst. Pure terror pounded in my chest.

I pushed her door open and it hit the back of the wall with a bang as I lurched toward her crib. “AUBREY!” She was still there. I put my hand on her chest and felt it rise while I tried to control my still-shaky breathing.

She was fine. Just sleeping. I stared down at her face in disbelief. Did she sleep through the night?

“I got up with her,” whispered David’s voice behind me. I jumped, startled, and turned around to see him standing in the dark doorway. “She woke up at one and then again at 3:30. I don’t know how you do it.”

I turned once more to Aubrey. A peaceful half smile played on her serene face. She sniffled in her sleep. To think I almost woke her up. I crept toward the door and shut it, being careful to catch the latch with the doorknob before it clicked.

I turned to face David. He stood there, looking down at me with his I feel so bad but I don’t know what to say face. I can’t resist that face. He opened his arms.

Without speaking, I fell into his hug and he wrapped it around me. I closed my eyes and let the side of my face soak up the warmth of his cotton T-shirt against his hard chest.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured into my hair. “I’m a jerk. I didn’t mean that you need to exercise, I was just trying to think of something to say... I’m an idiot.”

“I know,” I breathed out.

He took my hand and led me to the top step, where we sat, side by side. “You’re perfect. You’ve been doing everything around here while I’ve been trying to keep the business going.”

The gravity of his tone startled me. “Keep it going?”

His brow furrowed, “Work has been hard lately, Ashley.” His face was serious. I studied his face and saw...was that fear?

“Companies aren’t hiring new marketing firms the way they used to and our start-up cushion is almost gone.” His voice shook.

I took his hand. “David, it’s going to be okay...”

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