Maybe I need to stop resisting motherhood and just dive in headfirst and learn to “live in the beauty of the moment” like Emily says. I’m going to turn around and Aubrey will be eighteen, moving out, and I’ll have spent her entire childhood wishing I was somewhere else.
The thought of Aubrey living somewhere else made my chest seize up. So this is motherhood. You pour your entire life into someone and then they just leave? It’s insane. I’m insane. I keep watching those crime dramas and eating my weight in peanut butter. Since becoming a mom, I simultaneously have no stomach for these shows, but feel as if I need to watch every episode to know exactly how terrible the world is that I brought my child into.
Confession: Last night Aubrey barely slept and I cursed motherhood at 1 a.m. I cursed motherhood as in, “I hate this so much.”
Now, watching these detectives break the news of a son’s death to his elderly father, I felt so guilty. I love you, Aubrey. I’ll try to protect you in every way that I can. I want you to have a happy, full life. I get tired sometimes, but I love you.
What kind of mother curses motherhood?
I’m awful.
PS. I think the elderly father is the perp.
Monday, February 11, 11 A.M.
Your lover should be your #1 priority. Every Friday night, my husband and I go out on a date to keep our fires burning brightly. We also go on a no-kids vacation three times a year and, after five kids, we’re closer than ever!
—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better
Today’s call was even better than the last one. When Emily popped up on the screen everyone gasped—she was wearing a sparkly gold-sequined gown and her hair was swept into a fancy updo. Her makeup was done with dramatic smoky eyes and deep red matte rouge on her lips. She looked straight off a Hollywood red carpet.
“Hi, everyone! I’m coming to you live from my photo shoot with SHE magazine! They’ve chosen me as one of the twenty women in their Sexy Entrepreneur Women edition!” she said, her sparkly white teeth gleaming through the monitor.
Looking down at the faded pink Gap sweatshirt that I was wearing, I felt a dull twinge of embarrassment. I’d fed Aubrey raspberry yogurt that morning and half of it was smashed into my chest. I did my best to wipe it off before the call, but it just looked like a giant bird had made me its poop target. I leaned in to conceal my dishrag of an outfit. That, coupled with my hair being days from its last washing, made me look especially homely next to dazzling Emily. I tried to focus on her words and not the fact that I looked like I’d been put away wet.
“If you follow me on Instagram, you already know that my incredible husband, Thomas, is with me on the set, taking care of the children while I work. He and I are not only a team, but we’re best friends and—” she leaned into her webcam and lowered her voice “—passionate lovers.”
I felt my face get hot. Passionate lovers? With five kids? David and I have one baby and our sex life is in the crapper.
“It’s so important to keep the fire in your marriage burning with hot, sizzling embers of desire. Having children is no excuse for letting the spark that brought you together smoke and fizzle out.”
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that, in my marriage, the “fire” is actually a pile of damp, charred sticks.
Emily went on. “I want all of you to read through Chapter Four, entitled ‘Keeping Your Marriage Red Hot,’ and then put into action some of my tips. Does anyone have any specific goals for their marriage?”
A shy-looking mom with short blond hair raised her hand.
“Yes, Lillian?” asked Emily.
Lillian look petrified to be the center of attention, “Hello everyone. I’m mom to three-year-old twin girls. I’ve been married to my husband for ten years. I’m just trying to figure out how to jump-start our sex life. He works so much and I’m exhausted after a full day staying home with the girls. They run me ragged.”
Emily nodded sympathetically. “I totally get it. What’s your main objective?”
“Ideally, we’d have more...you know...relations. Right now our encounters are dwindling. On a good week we only have sex three or four times.”
“WHAT?” I screamed aloud unintentionally. Three or four times a week? David would be in heaven!
Emily held up a hand. “Now remember, this is a safe space for Lillian. Lillian, I totally understand. My husband and I used to have sex multiple times a day and we’re down to just once per day. Read the chapter and let me know if it helps.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Compared to Emily and Lillian, I was living on a passion iceberg.
Something caught Emily’s attention off camera and she made a thumbs-up sign before continuing. “Okay, they’re ready for me so I have to go, but this week is the Marriage Challenge. Find that spark you and your partner in childrearing used to have and let it burn!”
All of those “burning” and “fire” metaphors were simultaneously making me think of yeast infections and BBQ. I was grossed out, hungry and completely overwhelmed at the task of turning my laundry-strewn bedroom into a lover’s den. Sure, I wanted my marriage to have fireworks, but after spending an entire day wiping down counters and shuffling around braless, it was easier said than done. Not to mention, I was always tired. Where was I supposed to find the energy to stoke the embers of this “love furnace”?
I stood up and studied myself in the full-length mirror behind my bedroom door, trying desperately to find any signs of a vixen lurking beneath, but all I saw were dark circles, a dingy outfit and a mom who would give her left butt cheek for an afternoon nap.
“I’m more of a spaghetti squash than a seductress,” I said to no one. Aubrey laughed and jumped up and down excitedly in her zoo animal-themed exersaucer, causing it to sing a catchy but annoying song about bears.
I picked her up and grabbed my keys off the counter.
I needed coffee.
11 P.M.
It is always so hard to fall asleep after Aubrey screams me awake. Somehow she always knows when I’ve just entered the most delicious REM sleep. Thanks, honey.
I didn’t want to wake David with my tossing and turning, so I sat on the couch in the living room with my laptop and a cup of tea. While I’d rather be sleeping, it was nice to sit down for a minute knowing the phone wouldn’t ring, a meal didn’t have to be made and Aubrey (hopefully) wouldn’t need me for a few hours. I looked around the darkened room and sank deeper into the buttery leather.
Yes, I thought. This is the life. Motherhood may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it sure makes a few moments of silence feel like the most luxurious of vacations.
Then the thought hit me: the Marriage Challenge. Maybe I should check into the portal and see how the other moms are doing.
I opened my computer and after my eyes adjusted to the glare, clicked my way into the website.
What on earth...?