“He seems really different,” she says, tinging the words with a little smile to make them easier to swallow.
“It doesn’t change anything,” I mutter.
“Jessie,” Lorelei says, spinning the chair around a little so I can face her, “come on. You don’t really think that.”
I try to look indignant, to keep up the brick wall of indifference that’s the only thing keeping me sane, but it’s hard to be cold when you’re so confused. I step out of the chair, needing to move, and pace up to the other side of the room, rubbing at my aching eyes and groaning loudly.
“I don’t know what to think anymore,” I say, turning around to look at Lorelei again. “He might love me, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to work out between us, and it doesn’t mean he’s cut out to be a dad. That last video doesn’t make any of this any better.”
Lorelei points at the blank screen as if it’s irrefutable evidence of something.
“Seriously? Did you listen to everything he just said? It’s kind of a big deal, Jessie. Maybe not to you, but trust me. Nate has more people watching each of his videos than most TV shows. There are, like, a dozen copycats, but Nate’s still the one everyone talks about.”
“You mean ‘Bad Boy,’ not Nate,” I say, petulantly.
Lorelei smiles.
“So you admit they’re different?”
I sigh-laugh and shake my head.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s just a video channel. Am I really supposed to be impressed that he quit? Is that supposed to mean something to me?”
“It meant something to him,” Lorelei says, her voice hard but her face soft. “I know you always thought of that vlog as stupid, but he did it for years. It was obviously important to him. You could tell in the video – giving it all up was hard for him to do. But he did it anyway, Jessie. Because he feels differently now, and it’s because of you.”
I moan and let my shoulders slump, then go over to the couch and drop back onto it, burying my head in my hands. Lorelei comes and settles herself beside me.
“Hard or not, the right thing would have been to stop posting videos the second we got together. Or at least tell me that he talks about his sex life to a million fucking strangers every night. How can I ever trust a guy who would hide something like that?”
“He’s not hiding anything anymore,” Lorelei says, rubbing my back tenderly, “And I have a feeling it’ll stay that way. I agree that Nate’s a little behind the curve, but he’s never really had a relationship before. He’s still figuring this stuff out. Give him another chance.”
“I can’t be his practice dummy.”
Lorelei laughs. “But maybe you can be his tutor.”
I lean back and let my head rest on the top of the couch, eyes up on the ceiling.
“Isn’t it supposed to be easier than this?” I say. “Meeting the right guy, falling in love, having a baby? Isn’t having a child supposed to be this beautiful thing that two people really want to do?”
“It looks to me like two people do really want to,” Lorelei says. I don’t know if irony can be expressed through facial features, but Lorelei makes a convincing case.
I smile a little sadly. “Are you really sticking up for him?”
Lorelei doesn’t say anything, and I sit up on the couch to look her in the eye. She purses her lips.
“Yes.”
“Lorelei, seriously? Did you forget what he did already?”
“No. But I think you’re being too hard on him. Don’t let your pain and your pride keep you from trying to work it out with the guy you’re obviously still in love with. That you’re having a baby with, whether you like it or not. He’s made mistakes, sure, but—”
“Mistakes? He changed his mind about being with me a dozen times, because he didn’t want to commit or be tied down. He made weird sex-videos online while we were together. And that would be enough even if I forgot about the lifetime of sleazy one-night stands and womanizing he’s done. On top of that, I’m pretty damn sure he doesn’t want to have this baby, and since that’s not up for negotiation, I don’t see how we can get back together and just pretend there’s not a child growing inside me. At some point, reality’s going to hit us both – and I’m not sure I believe he’ll stick around after that.”
Lorelei nods then stiffens her lips again.
“Right. But he’s grown up a lot since he started seeing you, Jess. Think about it. He stopped seeing other women. He was there for you when you needed him. And even after you guys split up, he went and told Kyle about your relationship, knowing full well he’d get his ass kicked – which he did. And then, even though you haven’t forgiven him, he went and shut down his video channel, and it just seems like…” Lorelei trails off into a sigh.
“Seems like what?” I urge her.
“Listen. I don’t know Nate that well,” she begins, slowing down the tempo of her voice, “but you’ve talked about him a lot. Even before all of this started. He’s been your friend since you were a kid, right?”