“What do you mean?”
“For the way you acted around girls, especially when you and Kyle got to high school and left me behind. I dunno. I thought you were being an asshole, the way you talked about it, and then when you guys left me behind again for college it was even worse. Especially since you seemed to have everything already – money, a big house, success.” She grips her knees and pulls them under her chin. “It’s only a lot later that I realized how tough it was for you just to get away from that house, everything you had to go through when you were little. It’s no wonder you turned out kinda fucked up.” She grins to make the words sound less harsh, but I’d be lying if I said she hadn’t struck a nerve.
“I don’t need anyone’s sympathy.”
“I know. I’m just saying I understand.”
The words hang in the air for a while, seeming to get louder as they remain unaddressed. I wonder how much she’d understand if she knew the whole truth – that me being ‘kinda fucked up’ included making video blogs about my sex life every week, posting them on the internet for the world to see, self-perpetuating my own gratifying debauchery with every entry. But suddenly all of that seems a million miles away, like it’s not even really me who’s been posting those vlogs, and I find myself talking from somewhere deep inside, without any of the usual ego or thoughtfulness.
“You asked me once why I said I’d never have kids. I’ll tell you. I don’t ever want there to be the slightest chance that I’ll cause as much pain as my father caused me.”
Jessie just nods, like she really does understand, and we let the calm seep into our souls once again.
“Hey,” she says eventually, “do you remember that time Kyle and I found you sleeping up here? You never told me what that was about.”
I smile bitterly.
“That was the night of my thirteenth birthday.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” I nod slowly. “That was a bad one. I mean, I knew my dad would make it all about him. But still…” I drop my head into my hand and rub my forehead roughly, as if I could somehow massage the memory away. “All I wanted that year was a new bike. Not anything flashy, either, just one that I hadn’t outgrown. I asked my dad about it every chance I got, left hints everywhere, drew pictures of bikes and put them up on my wall, on the fridge.
“And he actually listened. He actually bought me a bike! It was the first time I felt like he gave a shit, like I was more than just some annoying kid he wanted out of the house.”
“That’s good. Right?”
I look up at her and smile, then shake my head.
“The guests ended up playing with it, and at some point some drunk asshole rode it off the stairs into the foyer. The thing broke into three pieces. Absolutely fucking ruined. Everyone laughed, of course. Except for me. And then they laughed at me for not getting the joke, for being so serious about a stupid bike. I got out of there, so upset and pissed off I wanted to hit someone. I wanted to run away for good, just get out of that place and never go back.” I look up at Jessie, her eyes glistening wetly. “But the only place I could think of coming to was here.”
“That’s awful, Nate.”
“The worst thing was that my dad told that story for years afterwards – he probably still does. He tells it to me even, as if I’m supposed to find it funny that one of the most meaningful things he ever did for me was destroyed before I even got it.”
Jessie looks down at her lap solemnly, before quickly raising her eyes again, confused.
“But you had a bike. I remember.”
I feel a slow smile spread involuntarily across my lips.
“Because of Kyle. The next day, when he found me here, I ended up ranting at him with tears streaming down my face. Telling him what happened, promising him I’d never go back home, that I’d kill my dad if I ever saw him again. He just ordered me to pick up the bike pieces, and then he went to the dump and – God knows how – but he found a frame. Then we built it again from scratch. And after that he never said a word about it to me again.”
Jessie laughs a little.
“That definitely sounds like something Kyle would do.”
We sit for a while again, comfortable in the warm glow of Kyle’s good deed, until it suddenly turns into a dark shadow.
“What the fuck are we doing, Jessie?”
She looks up, startled, but aware of what I’m saying. She opens her mouth, but only manages to shake her head.
“This is bad,” I say. “What’s happening between us…at the retreat and just now… It could ruin everything. For all three of us.”
Jessie’s pained expression tells me she gets it, that she feels just as worried as I do.
“I don’t know, Nate. I mean, we’re two adults who’ve known each other for a long time, both going through some shit, both getting some comfort from each other. It doesn’t have to get complicated so long as we’re honest with each other.”
“And Kyle?”