For reasons I can’t explain, I immediately grab for my cell phone and text Don instead of answering his email.
Thanks for catching me! So, do you mean coffee or, you know, COFFEE?
Only a few seconds go by before he texts me back.
Which answer gets me coffee?
I giggle. I’m not sure how to answer that one, so I don’t.
11
* * *
To: Parents
From: AChang
Date: 01/05
Subject: I’m your new class mom
Happy New Year,
Most of you know me, but for those who don’t, I’m Asami Chang and I will be taking over the duties of class mom from Jennifer Dixon.
It will be my pleasure to get our class back on track after a bumpy fall.
First of all, these emails will be content driven, not a forum for me to tell jokes and solicit bribes. Second, I welcome comments and input. I may be in charge, but you definitely have a say.
Below are things you need to know:
January 18 is picture day. Make sure your children’s uniforms are clean and pressed. I’m concerned by the lack of emphasis most of you place on neatness. Please pay attention to this. I find a daily bath is very helpful. I’ve also noticed a lot of messy hair. I plan to stand beside the photographer with a brush and I will be using it. I suggest a ponytail for the girls with long hair, or perhaps a braid. I’m happy to braid hair that day. I will assume if you send your daughter to school with her hair down, you want me to braid it.
I’m organizing a class coffee meeting after pickup on January 12. We will meet at Homer’s Coffee House at 8:30 a.m. Please be prompt.
Miss Ward informs me our children will be taking a field trip to the Quindaro Underground Railroad Museum on February 28. I will need one mother to go with me. Please don’t volunteer if you already went on the recycling field trip. And be prepared to watch the kids closely and not socialize.
And now here are a few messages from the school administration …
* * *
I have to stop reading. My blood is boiling. I thought I was over being pissed off, but as I unclench my back teeth, I can see this clearly isn’t the case.
How is it acceptable for Asami Chang to give grooming alerts and threaten kids with braids? All I ever did was try to make people lighten up.
Principal Jakowski’s words are still burned into my brain. He had accosted me outside the gym just before the kids’ holiday concert and basically fired me from being class mom.
“I’m sorry, Jen, but some of the parents feel you use the position to push your own agenda.”
“What agenda? I don’t have an agenda.”
“Is it true you solicited bribes in return for better conference times?”
“That was a joke! Do you really think I’d let someone buy me a coat?”
“What about asking for Starbucks gift cards?” he asked.
“Oh, my God, I don’t even remember doing that, but I’m sure I didn’t mean it.”
“And of course there is the jewelry incident at the class cocktail party.”
“Why does everyone think that was my idea?”
“Mrs. Fancy said you asked her to throw the party. I mean, you did send out the invitations.”
“She wanted to have the party,” I explained. “I was just following orders.”
“Well, according to her, you asked for the party on that specific date and her jewelry friend was booked to come to town for a visit. She felt she had to let her display her things as compensation for the party being held during her visit.”
Clearly, this man will believe anything.
“I’m still having a hard time seeing how that’s my fault.”
“Yes, well, some of the parents have also complained that you make racist remarks in your emails.”
“What?” I screamed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “That is not true!”
Principal Jakowski pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me. It was one of my first emails to the class. I had been organizing the curriculum night class get-together. He had helpfully highlighted the offending phrase.
No hard feelings, Asami. I understand your people’s lust for power.
I laughed before I could stop myself, and then put my hand over my mouth.
“Okay, I can see how that might look, but I was just trying to make light of the situation. I mean, the woman was trying to have me kicked out after one week on the job! Nina Grandish and I already talked about this.”
Of course, Nina! She’d talk some sense into this guy. I suggested the principal call the head of the Parents’ Association.
“I already have. I had to make three calls and text her twice before she called me back. She didn’t seem interested in addressing the situation at all. In fact, she asked me to handle it. It seems she’s been under the weather. Anyway, now I’m forced to get involved and I want you to know we take racism very seriously in this school.”
At that very moment, I realized that I was fighting for a job I’d never wanted in the first place. Principal Jakowski was handing me a Get Out of Jail Free card and I was trying to get back in. Was I nuts?
“You want me to step down? Fine. Merry Christmas.” I stomped into the gym just as the first group of kids was starting their performance.
As the sixth-grade class sang “Holly Jolly Christmas” (my God, that song is repetitive!) I stewed. They don’t want me? Fine. Nina agrees with them? Fine. I’d fix her wagon. I’d fix all their wagons. Visions of prom night in the movie Carrie kept me busy while each class filed in and sang Christmas carols.
I really wished Ron had been able to make it to the concert. He would have talked me off the ledge. But he was in the middle of his Christmas savings bonanza down at the store. I’d promised him I would record the show on my phone.
So when Miss Ward took the stage to introduce the kindergarteners, I brought my focus back to the gym. Max had been very secretive about what the class was planning, so of course I pushed Record and braced myself. God bless that Miss Ward; she never disappoints.
The kids filed onto the stage in what are best described as tacky tourist costumes. Max was wearing a tropical shirt, a baseball cap, cargo shorts, and sandals with brown socks. Some of the kids wore cameras around their necks and zinc oxide on their noses. Naturally, they all looked adorable, but I couldn’t imagine what Miss Ward had in store for us. She explained that they wanted to remind everyone that people celebrate Christmas all over the world, not just in places that have snow (because people not remembering that is one of the bigger problems we face in the world?) And then they sang … get ready for it … “Kokomo,” by the Beach Boys! Not the Kodak moment I was imagining for my five-year-old son’s first Christmas concert, but I laughed at the sheer cuteness of it. I shelved my mass murder plot, at least for a little while.