“Are you drunk?” I said, spinning away from his reflection to take in the real flesh and blood.
“I was on the mound,” he began, ignoring my question. “I struck out the last batter and when I looked up in the stands, you weren't there. Why weren't you there?” His eyebrows were tugged together, knit down the center of his forehead in frustration.
“I was there. I was there the whole time, but Ashley called and I couldn’t ignore her,” I explained. “By the time I came back, the game was over.”
My words didn't seem to mean anything as his demeanor stayed the same. “I wanted you to be there waiting for me,” he said.
“Kimberly was waiting for you.” The words were out before I'd even formed them in my mind.
“Lilah,” he warned with a harsh tone.
“What? I wasn't going to stand behind her in line to talk to you. I'm not a competitive person, and I know when it's time to bow out.” I was being immature, and still, I couldn't rise above it. I couldn't be the person Chase needed me to be.
“I kissed her tonight,” he said, stepping forward so that I had to take a step back. “Kimberly.”
I took another step back and the back of my thighs hit the cold sink; I had nowhere else to go.
“Is that what you want to hear?” he asked. “That I kissed her because I was drunk and pissed at you?”
“Chase, stop.”
“No,” he said, caging my body against the sink with his arms as he bent lower. His face was level with mine and I could smell the beer on his breath. I hated that he still looked so painfully handsome. I didn't want to think he was handsome; I wanted to go back to before, when no one could hurt me and I kept everyone at arm's length. Maybe I hadn’t been happy, but at least I was safe, content, constant.
“I'm glad you kissed her,” I lied through my teeth.
“No you aren't,” he argued.
I squeezed my eyes closed and turned my head so that I wouldn't be tempted to lean forward and close the gap between our lips.
“I won't fight over you.”
“Maybe I want you to fight for me,” he said, skimming his cheek against mine.
I pinched my eyes closed. “You're drunk. You won't remember any of this in the morning.”
“You know what?” He leaned forward and his breath hit my earlobe. “She'll never be you, Lilah.”
I absorbed his words in two slow breaths.
“You need sleep,” I offered with a gentle tone.
“You don’t know what I need,” he argued with a fury building behind his hazel eyes. He hauled his body against mine and his chest hit me with enough force to knock the wind out of me, but when his lips met mine—that’s when he stole my breath.
My fingers wound through his hair, trying to keep him at a safe distance, but his hands gripped my waist, lifting me back up onto the bathroom sink. I wound my legs around his hips and lost sight of everything beyond him. In a black and white world, Chase and I would never end up together—our mothers had ensured that—but in that small bathroom, under the harsh fluorescent lights, we dragged each other deeper into the gray—the messy, guilt-ridden space that sat between right and wrong.
He broke the kiss and I propped my hands on the bathroom sink, trying hard to stay upright on my own.
“That’s what I need,” he said before storming out of the bathroom and leaving me swaying back and forth on the sink, searching for the heart he’d just ripped from my chest.
I flipped the bathroom light and the room went dark. I’d never asked him to take me to the gray. I was perfectly happy living in the black.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Chase
I slammed my bedroom door behind me and flipped on the light. Harvey had been asleep on my bed, and the noise from the door jarred him awake. My back rested against the cold wood as I watched Harvey watching me. His eyes were wide as he waited for my next move, but I didn't have a next move.
I hated how stubbornly I loved Lilah. She could tear me in two and I’d still come back. A dark part of me wanted to hate her. It'd be so much easier if I thought she was as evil as she thought she was, but I knew the secret she tried so hard to hide: she was scared shitless, scared of letting anything happen between us, scared of looking past everyone’s flaws to get to the real meat of life.
I’d thought she'd left the baseball game early. I'd concentrated hard on the game, knowing she was up in the stands watching me. When the game had ended and I’d looked up to find her seat empty, it had hurt more than I cared to admit. I’d gone through the motions of postgame traditions. We’d passed out roses to the Diamond Girls and then Connor had dragged me to his house for a party. I hadn’t wanted to go; I’d wanted to hunt Lilah down and force her to explain why she couldn't be there for me even once.
After four beers at Connor's house, I’d told myself Kimberly was who I belonged with. She was pretty and simple—so fucking simple it made no sense why I wasn't into her. She never let me down, she never moved away, she never pretended not to love me.