When the players reached up to hand each of the Diamond Girls a red rose, I started walking backward down the ramp. I couldn’t witness another second.
The moment they disappeared from my sight, the pressure in my chest lessened and I knew the right thing to do was to bow out of whatever unspoken competition was going on between Kimberly and me. Actually, to call it a competition was giving myself too much credit. I was broken; Kimberly was whole. I was selfish; Kimberly would give you the shirt off her back. She deserved to have Chase all to herself and by taking myself out of the competition, I could pretend that it didn't hurt as much as I walked away the loser.
I unlocked my phone and shot my dad a quick text.
Lilah: Let's do pizza at home instead.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Lilah
I laid in bed that night staring up at the shadows dancing across the surface of my ceiling. I'd already flipped onto every side of my body a half-dozen times, but sleep proved elusive. No position, pillow, or flock of sheep made it easier to stem the flow of thoughts from my mind.
When I'd gotten home after the game, I’d ordered pizza even though I wasn't hungry. My dad and I ate it while we watched a Friends rerun and at the very end of it, he glanced over to me.
“I'm really glad you came out today, Lilah. I know it meant a lot to Chase,” he said.
I ignored the mention of Chase's name. “I came to see you, Dad. I'm proud of you, old man.”
He laughed and shook his head. “Want to work in the garden tomorrow morning?”
I wondered if he could tell I had things weighing on my mind. He would help me in the garden every now and then, but if he was asking, it meant he wanted to cheer me up.
Regardless, I nodded. “Yeah, I think the tomatoes are ready to be planted.”
After staring at the first half of another Friends episode, I went up to my room and got ready for bed. It was early, but Chase wasn't home yet and I wanted to go to sleep and pretend I didn't know he was hanging out with Kimberly.
The idea of them together hurt.
I found myself pining for everything Kimberly had, and the notion of it shocked me. Two weeks before, I’d been living in another city, and now suddenly, I wanted to be Chase's best friend again. I wanted to be his dumb Diamond Girl, and I wanted him to hand me a rose at the end of the game and smile up at me like I was his world.
Admitting that only made the hurt sear into me a little deeper, so I rolled over and stared at my blank wall, trying to find another subject, any subject, to grasp on to. The next morning my dad and I would plant some heirloom tomatoes. I concentrated on the process: tilling the dirt, adding fertilizer and fresh mulch, picking a plot with full sunlight and well-drained soil, digging a hole wide enough for the plant to fit into without it being too deep, adding a cage so the plant could hold its own weight...
A door opened in the hallway. I looked up and held my breath trying to pinpoint which door had opened: my dad’s or Chase’s. When I heard the soft rumble of game footage, I knew Chase still wasn't home.
I flipped onto my back and blew out a puff of air. My hands clenched the sheets and I willed my mind to turn off so I could get seven hours of thoughtless sleep. I blinked, then squeezed my eyes shut, then arched my neck to readjust my head on my pillow, and then finally I sat up to beat my lumpy pillow into submission.
When I'd had enough, I decided to find some NyQuil in my bathroom and see if that would knock me out.
It took a moment to adjust to the bright light when I flipped the switch on in the bathroom, but when I did, the first thing I saw was my mother's eyes staring back at me in the mirror.
Drugs had changed her, physically and emotionally. They’d aged her face, marring it with deep-set wrinkles. They’d yellowed her teeth and left the stench of death in her breath. They’d thinned her hair and tattered her fingernails. Her cheekbones had hollowed, her eyes sunk behind dark circles, but there was no changing that eye color. Her pale green eyes were in her genome, the same way they were in mine.
I leaned forward and stared into the mirror without blinking. I studied the coloring in my eyes, trying to see beneath their surface. They looked like two cut emeralds, rimmed with a deep, dark green.
I studied one and then the other, trying to find subtle traces of her, which is probably why I didn't notice Chase until he was standing right behind me. He was a blur of features and then I shifted my gaze and met his eyes in the mirror. The light hazel was a refreshing change.
“I won't turn into my mom,” I said.
“I know,” he nodded.
“I won’t become what she was,” I said, emphasizing my point.
“Then don't,” he said, swaying gently from side to side, slowly enough that I had to tilt my head to confirm that the movement was actually happening.