I fight so fucking hard not to touch her skin, to allow myself to be pulled into her, but I fail.
I cup her face. Okay, but I won't kiss her. "What's really wrong? Why did you come out here?"
"Do you think it's possible for me to develop Heath's power, and keep you all alive?"
I blink at her forthright question. "I don't know. I hope so."
The conversation falters until Vee says, “You haven't asked me how I am recently, Xander."
I swallow. "How are you, Vee?"
"Confused. I had an argument with Ewan about the situation."
"Ah, the wanting to stop feeling anything? The guys told me about that." I've had the conversation with Joss. With Ewan. With all of them. I pretended it didn't bother me and told them I wasn't surprised because I've seen a harsher side to Vee. But I am because I've also seen tenderness in how she treats us all.
"But that's the problem now. I don't want to lose the positive emotions, so I can't lose myself, can I? Does that mean I can never be as powerful as you? Never have Heath's power to save you all?"
I drop my hand. "Save us all? You're not here to do that."
"How do you know?"
"Don't be intense right now, Vee. I can't cope with anymore of this, my head's fucked."
I temper my tone but her eyes reflect hurt. "This is important, Xander."
Has she backed down on the idea she should be emotionless? I had the feeling Ewan's reaction affected her. Good. But there's an uncomfortable side to this situation: her need to physically bond with us. I'm convinced that's where her power lies.
I can't tell Ewan to have sex with Vee; that's unreasonable and totally weird, but I think it would help. I don't share their belief she'll destroy us. How can she? As long as those emotional responses to us remain, so will Vee.
"I don't understand what you've come here to say to me."
"Will you stop shutting me out?"
"I don't shut you out."
Vee shakes her head and takes my hand from her face. She squeezes my fingers. "It's good to talk to you when you're not shouting at me."
I don't know how to respond to her following me and trying to dig into my thoughts and feelings. What does she want here?
"Yeah, well, you haven't pissed me off recently."
"I think I should be the one pissed off. You hid from me what happened to Joss at the storage units. You said no secrets."
I pull my hand from hers and keep walking. "You know why."
"Because you don't trust me, either?" She remains a few steps behind, not following, and I stop too, then turn around.
My heart wrenches at the look on her face. Hurt. Why can't she be angry and I can end this conversation with strong words and an excuse to walk away. Instead, Vee fights tears.
Crap.
I stride back over and look down, hands in pockets. Her eyes glisten and the friendly smile from a few minutes ago has been replaced by a downturned mouth.
"I find it hard to trust anybody apart from the guys. I still don't understand who you are and that messes with my head.” I run a palm across my hair. "I'm sorry."
A tear escapes Vee's eye, and instead of wiping it away, she lets it trail down her cheek. This is worse than any argument I've had with her. Vee has never cried in front of me. I clench my hands in my pockets, unable to decide whether to run from the empathy clouding my head, or step away from my safe place and closer to her.
"Sorry," I repeat to save saying anything else.
She remains looking at me steadily. "At least you're all honest about that. I love you all, and this is how you're treating me."
Her words knock me backwards. She means as friends, right? As the group she lives with?
"I don't believe you're dangerous or want to hurt us, I just don't trust people. End of."
This time she swipes the tear falling. "We're part of each other, Xander."
"I know."
"So does that mean you don't trust yourself?"
What the hell is with all this heavy shit? Heath will listen to this; I need to move on.
"I suppose it does." Will this appease her? Stop this?
"Liar," she says with a small laugh.
I can't figure out what she wants here. Is Vee expecting me to break down and tell her how I feel? That I'm prepared to allow her to overcome more of me?
I freeze as she steps closer and places ice cold fingers on my jaw. "I wish I could see inside your head sometimes. I pick up on how you feel, but you're hard to read."
Her touch and the affection in her eyes intensify the swirling confusion and my racing heart. "Let's just be happy we're not fighting."
She moistens her lips. "Our fights always end in interesting situations."
An image flashes into my mind. Several images, ones that follow me into my dreams at night with the reminder how the intensity between us with sex is like nothing I've experienced before. And how I wish I could drop some of that for tenderness.
"True."
She laughs. "You're a man of little words—sometimes."
"Then don't try to push them out of me."
She strokes my scruff with her thumb, watching the movement, and I suddenly realise I'm lost in one of the moments I imagined.
Vee and Xander, not War meets War.
"I want to know the man beneath the facade. I want to be with him."
So do I.
"Maybe when this shit is over and things calm down, we can have this conversation."
"Things will never calm down, will they?"
Each word she speaks, every unhidden emotion she shows, pulls me further apart. I'm not used to moments like this, and I want to fight instead. When I clash with Vee, we don't think. We don't talk. We just do.
My mouth dries as the moment intensifies. Don't kiss her. Don't let go.
I close my eyes and when I open them again she's closer, her mouth millimetres from mine. The spark between us is almost tangible, and the hesitation something new. Normally our mouths crash together in frustration and need, but now all I want is her mouth soft against mine, and not hard and demanding.
I take Vee's face in both hands, intending to move her lips away. The fact her skin is smoother than I remember, her eyes filled with more than raw desire, ends my resolve.
Our mouths meet in a gentle kiss. I take time to relish how she tastes, how soft her lips are as they gently move against mine. This kiss delves inside and Vee pulls a new part of me into her. Not my War, but the love hidden inside and denied.
My life changed when I met Vee, but more than I expected. I’ve had to admit to myself, Vee is more than a weapon to help us and more than the infuriating girl I battle to control. She always held a piece of mine, but I need to give her more.
There's no breathless lust or battle for the upper hand unleashed by our kiss. Something different takes hold, and the bonds holding my emotions unshackle as Vee's touch pulls them away. This time I want to hold and love her, not fight until we release our frustration.
This is what I never wanted, but always craved.