But I can't deny the drive inside to be the one to take control of them all and call the shots. The thoughts in the back of my mind push through sometimes, and I struggle to control an itch I can't scratch. This has grown worse since sex with Joss, and the growing control I've gained over Xander.
But they wouldn't love me if I was a threat; they'd surely be aware of that.
I hold up the biscuit packet. "I'll take these to Joss. You can order us all pizza."
As I walk upstairs, the bizarre switch between the ordinary and the supernatural follows me. And the fear I'll fail if I don't harness every power the guys have.
4
VEE
Unable to stop worrying about Joss, I stay with him into the night and hold him as tightly as he holds me. I left him sleeping once the sun rose, and while I ate breakfast, Xander quizzed me. I run through every detail again and again for Xander and the others, but they can't figure out what attacked him and how.
The determined, confident Xander who resurfaced yesterday has retreated again; I've never seen him this quiet and introspective. I waited to talk to him last night when I ate pizza with Heath and Ewan, but he didn't return from his walk for over an hour. I gave up waiting, left some pizza for him, and took the rest up to Joss.
Xander calls a meeting, as expected, as soon as Joss feels ready. He's brighter already, in his colour and in his mood. Still, I sit with him, holding his hand, acutely aware how the prospect of losing him sharpened everything into a new focus. They need me to be Vee, and I need them.
Joss faces the same questions he can’t answer, and the quiet frustration grows. One step forward, another back. Just when we had a lead.
"We need to focus on following the new leads," says Joss eventually. "I think what happened to me was to distract us. Let’s not allow that to happen."
Seth stands in the corner, away from the table as he watches and listens.
"Your codenames seem to be significant." He breaks his silence and reddens when everybody turns to look at him. He chews a nail. "You call yourselves the Four Horsemen, right?"
"Correct," replies Ewan.
"And you said something attacked you, Ewan, and they were diseased. Like zombies."
Joss sighs. "They weren't zombies. Zombies don't exist."
"Really? But demons and fairies do? Am I supposed to be selective about what I believe in?" Seth shakes his head.
"Fae. Not fairies. Read about them," replies Xander.
"Sure, give me my laptop back, and time to myself, and I will." His mouth thins.
Ewan shrugs. "Sure. You can have it for an hour."
Following their altercation the other day, Ewan changed his mind and took Seth's laptop back. Is Ewan's control over Seth belligerence or fear at what he'll do?
"So yeah, you call yourself Pestilence." He continues his hard stare at Ewan. "You were killed by something diseased, if I'm to believe you died."
Ewan's brow furrows.
"And you call yourself Famine, right?" He nods at Joss. "When I saw you yesterday afternoon you looked starved."
"Shit." Joss rubs his face and looks to the others. "It wasn't just an attack yesterday. I didn't feel right after what happened at the storage unit, as if the last few days I was slowly starved of emotions, until I stopped feeling altogether."
I clasp my hands together under the table. "Joss is right. He faded."
"Fuck. I hate to say this, but Seth could be right," mutters Xander.
"You think someone is targeting us with our own powers?" asks Ewan. "How? We're stronger than that."
"Yes. And we've been told that Seth's assassin was killed by a primordial magic that the oldest entity we know doesn't understand. We're dealing with something different here."
My mouth dries at Heath's words. We've found a few connections over the last day, but the idea someone is using the guys' powers against them isn't pleasant—or beyond possibility.
"But we didn't die," says Ewan. "We're okay."
"This time." Heath's voice is quiet. He stares down at the table. "If I'm next, what then? Whoever this is could pick us off one by one, and if they start with me..."
They all die.
Again, nobody has a comeback or answer and I swallow hard. "But Death can't die, surely?"
Joss blows air into his cheeks, and Xander's face holds a deep concern, one too familiar since yesterday. Ewan stares at a spot on the wall, away from everybody.
"We don't know that," says Heath eventually. "Maybe I've been lucky. I've been close in situations, but the guys managed to intervene before it was too late."
I will one of the guys to come up with an answer, to encourage Heath he'll be okay, but nobody responds until Seth speaks again.
"I thought Vee had all your powers. Why can't she fix you, or whatever, if you’re hurt?"
"I don't have his resurrection power." My words sound weird spoken to Seth. "I mean... I can't help them."
"Why?" he presses. "Can you learn or something?"
"Maybe," says Joss.
"I didn't learn the others. I have some of their powers, but not the same strength, or all of them."
My neck prickles, and I side glance Ewan who continues to stare into space. Is he the answer to my gaining full strength?
Seth approaches to sit at the table, at a corner and away from the others. "How does this all work? You never told me exactly what you are. You told me about demons and vampires, and I’ve seen evidence of enough to know there are strange things in the world, but who are you?"
I look to the guys, almost for permission, and Heath nods. "You've heard people call me Truth?"
"Yeah, but that's because of your name, isn't it?" asks Seth.
"I'm sort of the fifth Horseman."
Seth snorts a laugh. "Okay...."
"Are you going to listen to her or not," growls Xander.
"If you can believe the guys have abilities that aren't human, then you can believe that I have some of each of them. That's part of the reason for our relationship and why I'm with them."
"You mean your weird polyamory thing?"
"Not relevant," snaps Ewan.
Oh, but it is.
Seth takes off his glasses and polishes them on his shirt, lips pursed, before he places them back on, as if this makes the situation clearer.
"So are you genetically modified or something? Like military experiments?" He pauses and smirks. "Bitten by a radioactive spider?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" asks Ewan.
"Doesn't matter." He sighs. "Well, I guess you have to figure out what's trying to kill you."
"You think?" says Ewan, voice laden with sarcasm.
"And—if I understand this correctly—you have to find some magic... thing. Do you think this Alasdair guy has something? Like, in his house? Shouldn't you look?"
"We hadn't thought that far ahead. We've been a bit distracted by demons invading the house and killing us!" retorts Xander.
"And that assassin woman. Can't she find it for you?"
Xander rests back in his chair. "I see you've been thinking about all this."
There's less nervousness around this Seth, no staring at the floor or his hands. He smiles at the guys, and I sense triumph that they're listening to him.