When you told me that day you loved me, it gave me hope. There’s nothing I want more than to be with you, to come find you, and be the man you deserve. But, finding you when you don’t want to be found is harder than I thought. So I convinced Briggs to take this letter, God I hope he gives it to you. I’m not asking you to stop finding yourself for my sake, I would never ask you to do that. I just want to know that I’m still on your radar. That you think about a future with me.
I’ve left my past in the city. Every single piece of my past, including Martie. She was never going to be a part of my future, even before I met you. I’m sorry she hurt you, that she made you believe she had any part of my heart. She never did. I’m starting new, just like you! Everything I’m doing now is all about our future, I sold the laundromat. I just couldn’t keep it knowing that it was attached to a past you’re working so hard to get away from. I want a future with you, Rose. I want to be the man you come home to for the rest of your life. I want to hold you when you have those days you want to give up and celebrate with you on the days you recognize how strong you really are.
I bought a small two-bedroom fixer-upper on the edge of Joaquin Miller Park in the Oakland Hills. The real estate agent said I got a million-dollar view for pennies. The view took a lot of pennies, but I’d spend every last one I had if it meant I’d get to share it with you. I started remodeling, I had to do something to keep myself busy, that way the days don’t seem so long without you.
I would really like to hear from you. I hope you’ve found the peace you’re looking for.
So if you decide to make it to my side of the bay, here’s my new address.
5222 Crockett Place. Oakland, CA. 94602
If you don’t want to see me, I’ll respect your wishes.
I really miss you,
Love,
Persistent Shane
I reread his letter over and over again, read it until my eyes blurred with every guilt riddled tear that splashed against his words. Stunned by everything he wrote, I couldn’t believe he sold his laundromat for me or even left the city. My heart cracked for the steps he took to prove to me that he loved me. Actions, I’d never consider anyone ever doing for me in my wildest dreams. It was proof, Shane West was the man I was supposed to be with, but I was too torn apart, too tangled in what I said I was supposed to be. I was so close to finally being okay in my own skin. I found myself my own way. My brain swirled with his words and my thoughts, how contradictory my heart was to my head, my body to my spirit.
I wanted to go right now and find him. Inconvenient as it was to hop in a car and drive twelve hours or get on a plane, I wanted to be with him, see him before reality fucked with my head. But, my life was clear in Portland, a life I had committed to live until I was strong enough to bury my past and live in my future.
I held the letter up to my nose, inhaled every word he wrote in black ink. Every intention he placed before me was clear and to the point, and yet uncertainty still drown me. Buried deep in insecurity, I folded the letter up, slipped it back into the envelope and put it into my sock drawer. I had to decide if I was going to leave the safety I have here in Portland or take a risk for a one-of-a-kind love back in California. Was I strong enough?
Shane
IT’S BEEN FOUR weeks since I gave Briggs my letter, and I’ve heard nothing. No text, no call, no letter, no Rose showing up at my door. Every day I go to my mailbox, hoping that she’s written me back. Something, anything to indicate that she’s even read my letter . . . Nothing.
I don’t know how much longer I can take of the waiting? I feel so out of fucking control. I’ve never been so desperate in my life. Wanting someone so badly, every little shattered part of them, even when I’m not supposed to. But I can’t stop thinking about her. I want to wrap myself in her scent, press my lips against her tear soaked cheeks, hear her voice as she tells me she’s okay—Fuck, this isn’t good for me. My mind spins off into the moment in my office when Crystal told me what Rose did every night . . .
“Well, Crystal, you are a very beautiful woman and like I’ve said before, if I was ever interested in your type of service, you’d definitely be the first woman I’d call. But right now I’m pretty satisfied in that department of my life, and truthfully, I don’t think my girl would like this very much.” I sway my hands back and forth between us. “But, hey, just knowing you’re OK is enough for me. No disrespect, I’ve just never been into . . . this.” I slip my hands down between my legs and push her foot out from my crotch.
“You have a girl huh?” Crystal parrots me.
I smile knowing my girl, Rose is just on the other side of my office wall. “Yeah, as a matter of fact, I came in here to grab something for her. So, if you’ll excuse me.” I stand up reach down into the bottom drawer of my desk and snatch a handful of Blow Pops.
“I love Blow Pops because you get a two-fer. You get to suck and then blow.”
Her words play in my head. They are familiar, they are Rose’s words.
“Who told you that?” I ask pointedly.
“What?”
“A two-fer, suck and then blow? Why did you say that?”
Crystal looks at me sideways before she answers. “One of my girls on the track. Why?”