Dixie Monroe
WHILE STARING OUT the kitchen window, I poured myself a third cup of coffee. Sleep hadn’t come last night. Not even a few seconds of it. My guilt kept me wide awake. I wasn’t being fair to Steel. I’d known that before, but had let him convince me to stay with him because he honestly thought I could forget Asher one day. He thought we had a chance. I had to stop letting him think that. I cared about him, I wanted him to be loved the way he loved other people, completely, without hesitation. He was a good guy and should have it all. I was too fractured, too broken for him. Even though he refused to see it.
Telling him all this would not be easy. I knew that no matter how prepared I got, he was going to try and stop me. Convince me not to do this. I had to be strong or I’d continue hurting him forever. He’d hate me, all the Suttons would, especially now on the heels of what happened with Bray and Scarlet, but I couldn’t just keep finding reasons to wait. I had to do this now. I had to end it so that he could move on.
Three long gulps and I finished the cup. I didn’t even taste it. I’d drank it for the caffeine and the mental focus I needed for the task ahead. What I had to do wouldn’t change anything with Asher. After yesterday, I knew that. He had decided that he could never be with me, and knowing he didn’t love me the way I loved him would always sting deeply.
“You’re up early. You don’t have to be at work for another two hours,” Mom said, yawning. She searched my face. It was six in the morning, and I’d been drinking coffee since five.
“I couldn’t sleep,” I replied, though I knew she knew that.
She came up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist and resting her chin on my shoulder. “It isn’t easy to do what’s right. But you know that already.”
Without me even telling her, she knew. Saw it all and read my heart. Tears stung my eyes because my mother expected me to do the right thing. To let Steel go, be truthful about it all, and she’d been waiting all along for me to do that.
“One day, there will be another man. Asher Sutton will become a memory. You won’t ever forget him, but you will heal and move on. It’s how the world works, honey. Though I know it’s hard to see that now.”
The idea of loving anyone else more than Asher seemed as heartbreaking as it was impossible to accept right now. “I don’t know about that,” I replied sullenly.
Again, Mom squeezed me tight. “You’re young, life is rarely decided at eighteen years of age. We don’t give our hearts away at fifteen, never to love again.”
That was where she was wrong. I replied, “Thirteen. I gave it away at thirteen.”
With a sigh, she kissed my temple, “Oh, Dixie, there’s a big ol’ world out there. One you’ve yet to explore. There’s so many beautiful experiences that yet lie ahead of you. Trust me, sweetheart, if Asher Sutton was meant to be your only love, then it would’ve happened that way.”
I closed my eyes. Fought back the tears. “I don’t want to think it’s over.”
“The future is a funny thing. It may lead you around the world and bring you right back where you started.”
I wiped away a single tear that had escaped. “Steel isn’t going to be easy. He’ll fight this. Try to stop me.”
Mom ran her hand over my hair brushing it out of my face. “That’s because you’re beautiful and smart, loving and kind. No man will ever want to let that go, not without a fight.”
Asher did. He let me go without a fight.
I didn’t say the words aloud. Though they were there, always would be. It would be hard for me to truly trust enough to love again, the way I’d loved Asher. If that were even possible. If mom was right and someone else came along one day, would my heart be whole by then? I didn’t think it could ever happen.
“Let me feed you before you go,” she said, patting my arm and releasing her hold of me.
I couldn’t eat. My stomach was in knots. “No, I’m not hungry. I have to do this now . . . before I back out. It has to be stopped.”
“You’ve got to work all day. You need something in your stomach,” she argued.
“I’ll get something during my lunch break.”
She didn’t look convinced. “I’ll bring you a late breakfast when I run to Harrods to get my vitamins.”
Arguing with her was pointless. I nodded and considered another cup of coffee, but the queasiness in my stomach stopped me. I sat the cup down and gave Mom a hug. “Thanks. I love you,” I said.
She rubbed my back, “I love you more. Never forget that.” I knew she was someone who would stay, make my dad happy, from the first time she said those words to me as a child. She made us a family again. She made us whole.
I grabbed my purse and headed for the door. “Here, at least take this protein bar,” Mom said, following behind me and holding a peanut butter Cliff Bar in her hand.
I took it and thanked her, hoping to have an appetite later. She kissed my cheek one more time. I could see the love and worry for me on her face. The concern shining in her eyes.
When outside, I took a deep breath. This was going to be hard, but I could do it. Steel would be up and in the barn with his first cup of coffee by now. I wasn’t sure when Asher went to work, though that might complicate things. But I knew he would avoid me at all costs, and today, I needed that.
The drive down to their house was short, but I used it to prepare myself for every argument Steel would throw my way. Hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do, but continuing to make Steel believe we had a chance was wrong and selfish of me. I didn’t like being the villain, but I’d made my bed. Now I just needed to lie in it.
I parked at the barn. Didn’t walk past their house. This was stressful enough without the other Sutton boys getting involved in our talk. I closed my door gently, in case anyone was still sleeping, the short distance from my car to the barn covered in a matter of seconds. It still felt like the longest walk of my life.
Steel was there like I knew he would be. He was good at what he did, dependable, hard-working, staying as long as it was needed, and often remaining after everyone else had left for the day. He deserved so much more than I was ever capable of giving him. I stepped inside and he turned immediately, the heavy barn door creaking with my entrance. The cup of coffee in his hand was a familiar sight. He was just as I had pictured him there—dressed for hard work, knowing what he had to do, his hair roughed slightly from sleep.
“Well, good morning,” he said, with a slow lazy smile. He wasn’t fully awake yet. Not enough caffeine.
“Hey,” I replied, hating every word before I even said them.