“WHERE THE FUCK you been?” Dallas asked as I walked into the house. I knew by his language Momma wasn’t inside, or he would’ve paid dearly for that.
“Work,” I replied moving past him, heading to the fridge to get a glass of sweet tea and some food. I’d skipped my lunch break because Hannah had asked me to go with her. I lied and said I’d brought a sandwich, that I’d scarf it down and keep on working.
Grabbing some cold fried chicken, half an apple pie, cheddar cheese and the leftover biscuits, I set the banquet on the table and closed the door.
“You gonna share?” Dallas asked with a grin.
“No. Get your own.”
“I would, but you just cleaned out the damn fridge.”
I began slicing some cheese to go with my biscuits and took a tomato from the window seal. I knifed the stem head and cut it down the middle. After talking to Dixie, having had to say the things she needed to hear, I just wanted to be left alone. I wasn’t in the mood for my little brother’s smart mouth.
“Hey, slice me some tomato, too. Tomato, cheese and biscuits sound good. I’m starving,” Steel said as the screen door slammed shut behind him. “Oh, hot damn! There’s some chicken left, too.”
“He’s not sharing,” Dallas chimed in before I could reply. “He’s come in scowling and angry, determined to eat us out of house and home, which you can see is all on the table before you.”
“Everything okay?” was Steel’s immediate response. He was assuming this was about Bray, who was still locked in his room, heavily medicated. I sliced another tomato, put it on a plate, then turned to hand it to Steel.
“I’m fine. Just hungry. Didn’t eat all day. Take a couple of biscuits if you want. But the chicken, that’s all mine.”
Steel took the plate of tomato from me and sat down at the table. His gaze remained stuck on me, studying me, weighing my mood by my movements. It was hard having any secrets with a house full of nosey ass brothers. I’d been gone so long I forgot what this was like. Having someone always there watching you. Paying attention to your every mood. At school, no one cared. I could close off and get drunk all alone. No one ever questioned it. Here, that was impossible.
Steel asked, “Why didn’t you eat at work? Denver not give you a lunch break?”
“Yeah, he does, worked through it.”
“Then that’s your own fucking fault. Share the chicken,” Dallas replied, leaning over the table to grab a drumstick. I clutched his wrist and glared at him.
“I’m not in the mood,” I warned him. “Get your own goddamn food.” As the last word fell from my mouth, the screen door opened again and Brent walked in. He had been working outside since early this morning, ignoring Bray locked away in his room and the fact Scarlet had left town.
“Jesus. Y’all fighting over food?”
I tried to act like everything was normal for him. Not treat him with kid gloves like everyone else was doing. He obviously didn’t want to be treated that way. “No. This fucker won’t leave my lunch alone.”
“It’s four thirty in the afternoon. That ain’t lunch,” was Brent’s response.
“He didn’t eat lunch. Now he’s all pissy. Hoarding the food like a king.” Dallas drawled and leaned back in his chair, smirking after saying it. “Just tell us why you didn’t eat and I promise I’ll leave you alone.”
There had been times at college I missed this. My brothers, a full house, people who cared, but this wasn’t one of those times. Right now, I was missing my privacy. Something this bunch knew nothing about. Currently, what I wanted was to be treated as a leper and avoided like the plague.
I put the chicken breast down with more force than necessary, looking up at three pairs of all too similar eyes, all directly focused on me. They were all waiting on my response. Nosey bastards. They had to know.
“Hannah. That’s why I didn’t eat. She won’t leave me the hell alone. Now will you all let me fucking eat?” I was louder than necessary, but frustrated about being interrogated by them.
“So she held you down during your lunch break? Woman rode you? Wouldn’t let you eat? If that’s the case, I don’t blame you for not eating. That’s one hot piece of ass. Always thought she was a little uppity and superior, with her honor roll scholarship shit. But damn, those can be the wildest ones . . . did she happen to suck your dick?”
I stared at Dallas. When had my little brother turned into a complete dick?
“Don’t think that’s what happened,” Steel said.
I shook my head. “No, it’s not.” I then took another bite of chicken.
“Okay, wait, you didn’t bang Hannah?” Dallas asked.
My patience was running thin. I decided to eat in my room. Momma could bitch at me. I’d listen and apologize. That was better than this. Lifting my plate in one hand with my mason jar of tea firmly clasped in the other, I headed toward the stairs leading up to my room to escape my brothers’ inquisition.
“You can’t take food to your room.” Dallas’s tone was amused and playful.
“I don’t give a fuck,” I replied, slamming the door behind me, then locking it in place. They’d follow me, or at least Dallas would try just to see how far he could push me.
I heard his laughter and Steel saying something in a low, rumbling tone. I didn’t try to listen. I sat down on the top step and finished my meal in silence. If I ate fast enough, I could get all evidence of it back to the kitchen before Momma returned. She was outside in the garden. Of course, that meant more taunting from Dallas. I’d rather just deal with Momma.
I replayed Dixie’s voice in my mind again and again, her words to me, how happy I once made her. I hated hurting her, causing her any type of pain. I wished she’d understand that every time I pushed her back, every time I had to put her at a safe distance from me, my very being was being torn into shreds. This wasn’t easy for me. From the moment I found those letters in that box, my life lost its meaning. I was drained of any joy and couldn’t be filled again. The emptiness now seemed to be permanent.
The twisted guilt I’d lived with for the past three years was gone, but the ache of losing Dixie was still there. She wasn’t the last girl I’d been with, but she’d been the only one that mattered. The only face I saw. No one made me feel complete like she had. No one made me want to plan my forever, except her, only my Dixie. I thought that maybe with time there would be someone else to take her place, but all I realized in the end was that once you’d found perfection, everything else paled by comparison. A puzzle piece would forever be missing from your soul.