He didn’t want to look at me. I knew that. Hated it even more. Did he sense desperation in my voice? Did he think that after the other night I expected more? That his showing how he felt for me by beating Bray’s face in would confuse me. Well, it did. But it also showed me that Asher was never going to hurt Steel. I had other plans. Another idea.
“We were friends once,” I said, knowing we could never actually be friends. That was no longer possible.
“No, Dix, we weren’t. I always wanted you. Never thought of you as a friend.”
I wanted to smile at that. It was something. But I didn’t smile. I didn’t let him see how much I liked hearing it because he’d just unload and run. I had to maintain some sort of wall, a barrier between us to keep him here, talking to me.
“I saw you with Hannah. Y’all dating?” I wasn’t sure what had gotten into me today, but I couldn’t shut up, had to say everything I was thinking. Jealousy was killing me.
“You also saw me with Amber. You’re not asking about her.”
“I know you’d never really feel anything for Amber. Hannah is different. You could love her.”
“I work with her. She’s a friend.”
They worked together. She saw him every day. Eventually that could lead to more. “She’s really pretty,” I replied. The words just kept spewing from my mouth.
“Yeah, she is,” he said.
Having him agree with me on that didn’t feel good at all. I continued with the stupid questions, “She likes you?” It sounded like a question but I meant it as a statement.
He shrugged. “Not important, is it, Dix? Why are you doing this?”
Everything about him was important to me. Vital, even. The fact that my heart ached for him every day and I felt empty and hollow inside mattered because this was what my life had become. I replied before I could stop myself, “Because, Asher . . . I love you.”
He closed his eyes tightly, his hands fisting at his sides. “Dixie, for the love of God, please stop. I can’t do this with you. I can’t listen to this or do anything about it. If I could, don’t you get that I would?”
The pain etched on his face, in his eyes, told me he was hurting too. And I was only making it worse. “I can’t stay with Steel. It’s not right. It feels . . . wrong to pretend. I keep pretending to love him when I’m in love with someone else. Always have been.”
Asher sighed, his breaths heavy now. He was searching for a response. “Even if you don’t stay with Steel, Dixie, I just can’t. He’s my brother. You saw what happened with Bray and Brent.”
I knew this already. But something inside me had to try one more time. It was wrong and cruel of me, but I had to try. I knew our situation was different. Bray and Scarlet had played with Brent’s emotions by using him to make the other jealous. I’d never done that to Steel. I never would. I was only guilty of loving Asher too much. But my heart knew what it wanted. Did that make me a bad person? I couldn’t find it in myself to care. My heart refused to let him go.
“I can help unload,” I said again. There was nothing else to say. I’d help him. Endure the pain of having him near and not be his, but he would be close. That would be enough.
“Why don’t you go and let your dad know I’m here? I’ll unload and then be on my way.” He said all that without once looking in my direction. The summer sun made his hair appear lighter than it was, highlighting its thick strands. His skin was tanned and I knew from summers past it would only get darker with time. The broad shoulders that made the taught fabric of his shirt cling to his skin had once been mine, to grip, hold onto, but now they weren’t mine to touch anymore. Nothing about Asher Sutton belonged to me anymore. All I had left were my memories. Every look, every touch, every kiss, everything he ever said to me. You could have put me in a box, thrown away the key, fed me enough just to keep me alive, and even after years had passed, I would have recognized his voice anywhere.
“Okay,” I replied and I did what I had to do at that moment. I walked away from the boy I’d loved and the man I couldn’t forget.
Part of me hoped he’d stop me, call out to me asking me to turn around. But I knew better. Where I was weak and selfish, Asher was strong and selfless, keeping his word regardless of how he felt. He’d put his brother first, before anything else he wanted. I couldn’t hate him for that. He was being the good guy. And I was behaving like the villain.
Climbing the few short steps on my porch, I inhaled deeply, staring bravely at the large wooden door closed in front of me. I had to go inside and act like my heart wasn’t breaking into pieces. Let my dad know the delivery had come, then make some excuse to skip lunch, and head straight to my bedroom to hide.
Once upon a time, Asher had kissed me on these steps. Countless nights I’d sat here and waited for him to come. On even more lonely nights, I’d watched for his truck to pass, wondering why he didn’t want me anymore and what I had done to lose him.
This porch, these steps held more memories than I could count. I walked to the door, and put a brave smile on my face, one I didn’t feel and hadn’t truly felt in a very long time. I knew my parents would be in the kitchen. I could have called out, masked the pain in my voice, and just kept walking to my room. But I had to face my fears.
“Delivery came. It’s all good.” I hoped there would be no questions.
“Did it get unloaded?” Dad asked.
“Yes, sir.”
“Good. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I replied, moving swiftly toward the stairs, almost escaping the next question.
“You coming to eat?” Momma asked. “It’s on the table, dear.”
I expected it. Knew it was coming. I replied, “Not hungry yet. Ate breakfast too late. I’m going to go read.” Today was my day off from the hair and tanning salon where I worked. I was the receptionist and I washed all the towels, too. Being lazy around the house on my days off was more acceptable now since I started working five days a week. The salon was closed on Sundays so I didn’t work then, spending those days reading as much as I could. I tried to keep to myself, though Steel took a lot of my free time. I knew I wouldn’t have felt that way had I loved him truly.
Once I was safely inside my room, I sank down on the bed and fell backwards. Staring at the ceiling, I faced the reality of what I had to do. I had to break up with Steel. Not because it would change anything with Asher—because it wouldn’t, it was set in stone—but because I just couldn’t do this to Steel anymore. He was a good guy, a great guy, and he deserved a girl who would love him for the amazing man that he was. That wasn’t me. It never would be. I’d already let this go too far.
I wasn’t proud of myself or my actions. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t change them. Do the right thing and get strong enough to move on. Find a life outside of this town, one without a Sutton boy by my side. Asher was right about one thing. I wasn’t meant for a Sutton boy.
Asher Sutton