“Thanks again for your help,” he said with feeling. He couldn’t let any of the things he was feeling out, couldn’t really talk to Landon about it. But that was honestly the first time someone offered to just listen to him since his mother died long ago.
Bethany had been great, but by the time he’d actually wanted to start talking to her, they had nothing to talk about anymore. Landon was just offering him a place to land. And for a man who was married for seventeen years, Jay suddenly felt bereft in the knowledge that he’d never felt like he had touched down before. His kids grounded him, gave him perspective. Bethany had been his friend and his confidant. But he’d never felt …
“What are you fucking doing?” He snapped at himself as he watched Landon’s truck pull away.
This was ridiculous. He was struggling because of his ex, and the fact that he was alone today. He was off balance because he’d found out his one friend might be gay and it was just making him try to figure out how he felt about that. He was good.
He finished the last of his beer, picked up Landon’s, and headed inside.
Chapter 6
Jay’s guilty conscience got the better of him after he’d had some time to shower, eat, and veg out in front of some Andy Griffith reruns on a local station. He did what he was best at, one of the things Bethany said distanced them back when they’d tried counseling; he’d compartmentalized, as the doctor called it. He could almost hear them telling him he needed to not just rationalize and neatly put away his feelings, but what else could he do? Give himself an ulcer?
His daddy had always been an anxious man, lost in his head and unable to see past things that stressed him out. His daddy wasn’t one for talking things out or sharing his feelings, getting things off his chest. Of course, that probably hadn’t helped the issues that lead to his heart giving out at fifty.
Jay couldn’t even let himself dwell on the thought he’d been looking at another man. It all made sense in the context of his being single, busy, and seeing his ex for the first time in months. There was no reason to even concern himself. One lesson he’d learned the hard way was that sometimes apologizing for being an ass was the best policy.
Landon was his co-worker and his friend, and had stopped by to help simply because he was being a good man. He owed Landon an apology for losing his mind there for a minute. No reason to examine why his conscience felt so strongly about it. Landon had said it, they didn’t know each other all that well. But that was no excuse for bad manners. How could he teach his kids right from wrong when he wasn’t man enough to own up to his own rudeness?
He picked up the cordless phone and dialed Landon’s number.
“‘Lo?” Landon answered.
“Hey, bud. This is Jay.”
A beat of silence. “Oh, hey Jay. What’s good?”
“Aw, not much.” He stood and went to look out the french doors that led to his half-finished deck on the back of the house. The sun just finished giving up its final bit of light, the sky a light purple, sliding into black. The trees in the back swayed in the autumn wind, leaves falling to the ground.
“Look,” Jay started. “I wanted to apologize for this afternoon. You stopped by to help.” And I don’t know why I’m doing this. “And I was rude.”
“Oh,” Landon said, the one word speaking volumes as to his confusion. “Um, Jay, I really didn’t think much of it. Figured you were tired.”
Jay felt embarrassed now, realizing while he may have told himself he hadn’t, he obviously had overthought the situation. And that was something no one had ever accused him of before.
Jay didn’t consider himself shallow, or a thoughtless man, but he didn’t often think things into the ground. Things tended to be cut and dry, black and white, right and wrong. Life was not as complicated as people made it out to be. Even as a teenager, he’d never been one for angsting.
Now his ground was shaken. Heaven forbid Bethany ever find out, because she might punch him in the nose for being shaken up by life finally, a year too late.
“Jay?”
“Oh, sorry. Got distracted.”