He leaned in until my legs parted and he was pressing his stomach into me.
I held his shoulders, gripping his shirt in my fingers. Every kiss was desperate, and I didn’t even understand why it was, even from me. Not until I realized I hadn’t kissed him in a week. I’d been busy at camp, unable to see him. We had been sleeping near each other prior to that, and seeing each other every day.
My feelings scared me. What did it mean if a kiss with someone like Dr. Green was playful, while with Nathan, it was so intense? I’d missed Dr. Green, but the feelings I had for Nathan were completely different.
I was as desperate for him as he was for me.
After a few moments, Nathan drew back, creating only the tiniest space. His deep blue eyes bored into me when I tried to look at him. As he spoke, his lips traced mine.
“Why can’t you trust me?” he whispered, voice ragged.
I gripped his shoulders tighter in reaction as words caught in my throat. “Wh...I...”
He shook his head and lowered it until he was hugging me tight. His cheek pressed against my chest and heart.
He said nothing else, just held me. I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him against me. I pressed my lips to his head, kissing it lightly.
“I trust you,” I said, unsure what else to say.
He mumbled against my chest. His hot breath fell across the top of my breast. “The shower. You fainted. I didn’t know...you didn’t like them...”
I sucked in a heavy breath, breathing in the leathery cypress he often carried. The pads of my fingers gripped his shoulders as I held him to me.
I had feared this reaction after they found out.
“I was too embarrassed,” I whispered, my voice cracking. “I thought something was wrong with me, but it wasn’t life-threatening. I could take baths...”
He turned his head until his face was smothered against the space between my breast and collarbone. His chest expanded as he breathed in deeply. “Victor knew.”
“Victor found out. I didn’t tell him.” I kissed the top of his head and held him tightly. “I’m sorry. I should have said something. Everything felt so chaotic so much of the time. But you heard Dr. Green. It may just be a stress point. It doesn’t really cause me to black out.”
He nodded against my chest, and the redness of his cheek and face lessened until I could see a line of freckles against his skin.
I sighed, holding on and pressing my lips against his head, like he and the others had done for me so many times when I was stressed out.
They were stressing out. North. Nathan. Who knew who else was breaking down and just needed someone to talk to?
Luke had said Kota used to do this. The heart of the team.
Kota was super busy helping me.
I had to step up and help out if this was ever going to work for us.
I pushed him gently until he was backed up enough that I could press my palms against his warm cheeks. I forced myself to look at him, at those blue eyes that asked so many silent questions.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” I said, the words pouring out from between my lips, and I didn’t give myself a chance to think about them. “I feel I stress you all out asking so much of you...”
“You don’t,” he started to say.
Reflexively, I covered his lips with my hand, the way they did so many times with me. He went silent, and I spoke again. “I’m going to do my best not to do that again. Because I’d rather tell you than anyone else.” I meant to say, “you all,” but I felt I needed to make this more about him than the others at the moment. But then I considered what I was saying and tried to fix it. “You’re all important to me. I need to be ready to hear what you all need from me, too.”
He pursed his lips against my hand and then reached for it, holding it. He kissed my palm before drawing it away from his mouth. “I just need to know what you want. What makes you happy...”
I stared at his eyes, unable to figure out what to say. My happiness? I had been trying to survive for so long, and ensure they were happy. “I’m happy when I’m with my team,” I said. “When I’m with you...” I paused because I couldn’t focus on the words, because those blue eyes distracted me so badly.
He reached for the back of my neck, drawing me in. He sucked in a breath and tugged me down slightly until he could kiss me.
Our kiss this time was lighter. The desperation gone, feelings out in the open. I felt there was so much to say, and yet how could I ever say it all?
My stomach growled, softly at first, then louder.
Nathan chuckled, breaking the kiss. He smiled for the first time since that morning. He lifted a hand to my stomach, rubbing it with his fingers. “We can get you breakfast.”
His intent was clear and at first I didn’t think anything of him touching my stomach. At first, it almost tickled.
Not until his fingers lowered to the space just below my belly button. I inhaled sharply through my nose, stiffening.
I gripped his shoulders.
He blinked at me, seeming confused, and his palm rested over my belly button. “Ticklish?”
I shook my head slowly. I didn’t know how to describe it. I tried to smile, although weakly. “Not exactly.”
He seemed puzzled, but not like before.
The sound of the front door opening caused me to stiffen. He stepped away from me, looking around where I was sitting on the counter. I twisted, looking behind my shoulder.
We both waited. Part of me anticipated his father, even if I knew he was far away. I was also disappointed, because I did want to tell Nathan everything I might have forgotten to tell him and to ask him about his feelings for me and so many other things. The interruptions weren’t going to stop for us.
I breathed out in relief when Luke appeared. He wore the same white shirt and jeans as earlier and had on flip-flops. His hair was tied back with one of my black hair clips. He’d made something like a bun, and smashed the clip on top so the black plastic was noticeable against the blond. He carried Bob’s Diner to-go bags, each filled to the top with paper containers.
He smiled impishly at the two of us, holding up the bags as if he was showing off a prize. “I managed to talk Uncle into making extra pancakes with chocolate chips inside.”
Nathan rolled his eyes, yet he smiled, the darkness in him fading. “I guess this time it’s okay. Just eat plenty of eggs and bacon.”
“You sound like North,” Luke said, rolling his eyes. He put the bags on the dining table and started taking out containers and a collection of plasticware and napkins.
I helped Luke organize everything, although I shared some glances with Nathan as we did.
It wouldn’t be long before I’d have to go back to Carol, and who knew how much time I’d get the next time I was allowed out?
Maybe I was selfish, but I felt I needed more time with each of them, not less. Not if I was going to make this work and make them happy.
Help
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