My heart raced, and I forced myself to look at the screen, although my vision blurred a little with tears. I adored them for being very sweet right now, but I didn’t want to get emotional at the moment when we needed to focus. “I’m okay now, I think. Now that I kind of understand what might be the problem. Dr. Green took some blood, though.”
“Probably to check if you’re anemic, among other things,” Kota said. “Although if you’re stressed out because of something like this, there’s someone you can talk to.” He paused for a long time, shifting the fork in his fingers and looking at it as he spoke. “Sang, would you want to talk to someone about your stress? Someone outside the group?”
“What do you mean?”
He sighed and then touched the corner of his glasses, adjusting them. “Well, maybe a therapist would be better. You can talk to us at any time, but someone like that might be able to help you work a few things out.”
Oh. After embarrassing myself with the girl teams, and then the shower, I probably seemed pretty crazy. I knew about psychologists, of course, but it had never been an option for me before. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to talk to a complete stranger. “Who... would I talk to?”
“I was thinking maybe Lily,” he said quietly. He looked at Nathan and Luke and then me. “She practices psychology a little. She may be the best choice given the situation.”
I knew he’d learned about Lily just the day before, so I was surprised to hear he’d mention her. I didn’t know what she did for a living.
It was more curious to me that he was the one to suggest talking to her, but was it because she was within the Academy, or because she had four husbands and her relationship situation was similar to ours?
I liked her fine, but I couldn’t imagine admitting all the embarrassing things I’d been through. However, would anyone else understand what I was doing with the guys? “Sure. I’ll talk to her.”
Kota’s smile brightened in a way that warmed me. It was the way he always smiled when he felt calmer. He cared. He always did. “Given she’s in the Academy, she’ll understand a lot of aspects about your life. And an Academy council will be glad to hear you’re talking to someone.”
“Shouldn’t we focus on getting her physically healthy first?” Nathan asked. “It’s going to be stressful enough getting her out of the house now with Carol.”
Kota went back to eating his food and changed the camera to show Carol again, vacuuming the kitchen now. “Yeah, it’ll take time to arrange. In the meantime, as long as we get you on your vitamins again and keep the stress levels down...”
“And stay away from showers,” I mumbled.
Luke put a warm hand on my back, rubbing along the spine. “Let’s change it so you don’t feel like fainting no matter what the situation is. And I bet Lily knows how to get you to stop the association with the shower and with girls in general.”
“I think that’s most of it,” Kota said. He leaned forward again to look around Nathan to see me. “You can talk to any of us at any time, but she’ll be able to help you work through it. And any Academy council will want to hear we’re taking care of everything, not just physical stuff and how we’re handling your situation at home.”
“She’s not depressed,” Nathan said, staring off at the TV and the way Carol was vacuuming. “Or suicidal or anything like that, though. The Academy knows that, right?”
“She’s quite the opposite,” Kota said, stabbing his fork absently at his pancakes. “Sang, you bounce back from hard times pretty well. Do you feel depressed?”
“I don’t think so,” I said, and then looked at the three of them in turn. It was weird to talk like this with them, like they were helping me decide what was right for me. “I just don’t know how I’d talk to her. I’m not sure I’d know what to say.”
“You don’t have to go alone. It’s just like when...when I went.”
The guys went quiet, leaving me to ask the question. “You’ve gone?”
He stared at his food. “Because of my dad. When I was younger...”
The others stiffened beside me. They’d told me Kota had it rough when he was younger. No one had told me he’d gone to therapy about it.
Kota eventually continued. “When...my father...” He shook his head and laughed. “Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve even thought of him.”
Nathan reached to put a palm at his back and rubbed a little. “You can tell her.”
Kota nodded firmly and put his food down on the table again. He adjusted until his knee was bent up on the couch. Nathan sat back so Kota could look at me.
I kept my lips closed tight. Luke kept a hand on my back, warming the spot between my shoulder blades.
Kota kept his eyes on me, although not always on my face. “My dad was a lot like your stepmom. Only to all of us. My mom. My little sister... and that was just the start.”
I couldn’t imagine Kota on his knees, on rice, along with the rest of his family. I didn’t imagine it was exactly the same, though. No wonder he wouldn’t allow me to go through my crazy stepmother’s punishments when he’d finally learned what was happening.
Kota continued. “As I got older, he focused more on me and got worse. I let him, because I didn’t want him to take out his anger on my mom or Jessica. My mom didn’t ignore it, but she didn’t know how to handle it...”
“It was before she was a nurse,” Nathan said. “She was taking care of two kids.”
“We were living off his military income,” Kota said. “He wasn’t home often, but when he was, he would flip out. He’d yell. He’d punch the wall. He’d throw things. She accepted it as PTSD, and tried to work with him.” He removed his glasses then and pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. “She didn’t know how bad it had gotten with me. I didn’t tell her, because I was afraid he’d do worse to her—what he would do to me.”
I swallowed, afraid to say anything. I didn’t want to stop him, even though he seemed to be stressing out now. Luke’s hand moved to my shoulder, hugging me to him. His head moved near mine and he held on to me.
Nathan did the same for Kota. He held him around the shoulders tightly. “Do you want me to?”
Kota shook his head. He held his glasses but looked in my direction. His eyes were glossy, but he held himself together. “He would do crazy things. He’d come into my bathroom while I was in the shower. He would watch me shower, yelling at me about how they did it in the military. Turning the cold water on. Only giving me two minutes to finish...”
Nathan squeezed his shoulder. “I knew there was something wrong when we hung out together. Only you never had bruises.”
“He didn’t need to leave any,” Kota said with a bit of venom to his tone. “My mom would have noticed. He’d do things I’d be too embarrassed to talk to anyone about.”
Nathan squeezed his shoulder again. “I remembered the knife stabbed into the underside of your bed, and you told me you did it.”
Kota shook his head. “That was him. A reminder that he could sneak in anytime he wanted and not to say anything.”
He sighed and then seemed to recover. He put his glasses back on.