“Alec learned how to hide his feelings pretty young.” Her expression turned grim again. “His father can take the blame for that.”
Blame. Such a useless word. People flung it around when they were mad or hurt. Or they carried it like a cross until it destroyed any chance at redemption or happiness. Blame never solved one problem or changed a single outcome. A pointless, unproductive, ultimately destructive concept, really.
Looking around, she saw that destruction, too. Lives, marriages, businesses all laid to waste thanks to misplaced blame. Now she had to hope that they could pick up the pieces and start over.
Hope—another useless concept if not backed by a plan. Hoping for things never worked out well for her. It was time for action.
“You’re still coming to the gala, right?” she asked Julie.
“Yes.” Julie surprised Colby by giving her a quick hug goodbye. “Maybe things will sort themselves out before then, too.”
Colby left Alec’s, her thoughts turning as sharply as the winding road around the lake.
For months she’d told Alec she was finished looking back, but he’d been right. She couldn’t move forward until she confronted her past and laid her demons to rest. Doing so would require two more stops, neither of which would be easy.
Chapter Twenty-One
The gates to Queen of Heaven were just ahead, shrouded by mist now that the rain had slowed to a drizzle. For the first time, the sight of those iron gates didn’t cause her body to quake or nausea to churn. Purpose kept those things at bay.
She turned in to the cemetery and parked near Mark’s headstone, undeterred by the rain and mud. After grabbing a yellow windbreaker from her back seat, she crossed the soggy ground to where he lay buried. She laid her jacket down and sat, cross-legged, on his grave, staring at his name on the marker.
At twenty-nine, she’d been a young widow. It seemed as if she’d aged a decade since she’d buried him almost two years ago to the day. Now she sat, twisting her wedding band around and around.
Fears born from that unhealthy marriage contributed to the failure of her relationship with Alec. She’d told him she wanted easy. She wanted peace. He responded by telling half-truths and keeping secrets.
In their own ways, they’d both been running from the past—sacrificing open communication for peace. Only now did she recognize that peace couldn’t exist without honesty.
To find peace, she needed to forgive and be forgiven.
Drizzle continued to fall from the sky—fitting for the misty sort of sadness in her heart. She picked at the grass and started talking to her husband.
“Before you, I’d never met anyone whose energy and enthusiasm poured out of him like sunlight. Our love was wild abandon, partly because I hadn’t yet learned that when you throw your heart in the air, it hurts like hell when it lands.
“I’ve spent a few years telling myself that we were a mistake. But that isn’t fair. I wish I’d been better able to love you in spite of the problems your illness caused us both, and I’m sorry that our mistakes ended with me sitting on your grave.
“I know you loved me, even when you strayed, even when we fought, even when I no longer loved you the same way. And I’m so sorry for the way I hurt you. I think you understand what I mean, because I doubt you wanted to hurt me, either, even though you did.
“You’ll always be a part of me. In that way, you’ll live on as long as I do. I’ll honor the best parts of you with the Maverick Foundation. I’ll stop looking back with remorse and blame. When I will think of you, I’ll remember your bright blue eyes, hear your deep laugh, and even smile at the memories of some of your zanier bursts of ‘creativity.’
“I don’t regret loving you, Mark, because you taught me how deeply a person could love and be loved. I hope you’re in heaven, surrounded by love, and finally at peace. I forgive you for making me watch you leave this world. I know, in my heart, that it was the illness, not a choice, that made you jump. And I hope you forgive me for all my mistakes.”
She reached out to trace Mark’s name. Cold carved granite abraded her fingertips, but she traced his full name tenderly as if she were touching his face.
“I’ve found love again, with Alec. It’s not anything like it was with you. Maybe the fact that it snuck up on me in a quiet way—so different from you—is what made it possible for me to let him in when I was convinced I’d never let anyone in again. I thought I wanted something simple and instead chose the most complicated person in my life. I see now that simple isn’t what I want. Honesty is. Honesty you and I lost along the way with the choices we made. I can’t believe it’s taken me all this time and pain to understand that I can’t ‘manage’ other people. Alec and I may not be able to fix what we’ve broken, but I’m going to try.”
She took a flat rock and dug a six-inch-deep hole at the corner of the headstone. She could barely see what she was doing because of the tears clogging her eyes, but she removed her wedding band and placed it in the hole, then covered it with soil.
“Wish me well, Mark.”
She wiped the tears streaming from her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat. She should have been shivering from the cold, but her body warmed from the surge of emotion. Hoisting herself off the ground, she shook out her jacket, glanced across the narrow road to Joe, and sent up a silent prayer.
I loved you, too, Joe, but you were far from perfect. I wish I would’ve been a better friend and helped you see what an amazing brother you had. Maybe someday we’ll all be reunited, and we can laugh like we did as kids. Until then, watch out for Alec now. He still needs you.
She looked at her hands, now devoid of any trace of her life with Mark. A clean slate, she thought with a slight shiver. It was cold and dusky, but that wouldn’t keep her from making one more stop.
Mr. Morgan opened his door, nostrils flared, eyes wide, looking almost constipated. Then again, Colby probably also looked frightful, muddied and wet, standing in his doorway in the dark.
“What do you want?” he grumbled, no more polite than when they’d crossed paths in his driveway two months ago. Of course, everything that transpired recently had probably refueled his hatred of her.
“To speak with you.”
“I’ve got nothing to say to you.” He waved her off.
“Please.” She fought the shiver tickling down her spine. She’d hoped for a more civil conversation, but given all the circumstances, she should’ve known better.
“Get off my porch, Colby.” He started to close the door, but she blocked it with her arm.
“If any part of the man who used to like me still exists, please give me five minutes.” She raised her chin. “Joe wouldn’t want you to treat me like this, would he?”