Beast: Learning to Breathe (Devil's Blaze MC #5)

“I was worried about you,” I whisper, lost on how to deal with this. He promised so much. Was I stupid in believing his words? What is going on with him? “Michael, we’re…I mean, I’ve grown to care for you. You had to know you would worry me. I thought we were in a relationship here.”

“I’m not a man who can do relationships, Hayden. I’m not him. I’m not really Michael,” he breathes, his eyes closing.

What do I say to that?

What does he even mean?

“Who are you really?” I dare to ask, afraid of his response.

“I’m no one. Not a person. An animal. That’s me. I’m not ever going to be the person I was in my past, Hayden,” he says, his eyes still closed, but somehow sounding more alert. “The person I used to be, I’ll never be that man again.”

“If you wanted to be, you could,” I encourage him. I don’t understand what’s going on here, all I really know is the Michael that he’s been showing me is the man I love. He’s the man I don’t want to lose.

“All I want now is to be left alone. Why can't you leave me alone? Why won't you let me die in peace?” he questions, and his eyes flutter open to stare at me accusingly.

“I don't know...I just can't seem to stay away,” I tell him, truthfully, and because my nerves are increasing, I find my thumb, rubbing back and forth on the largest scar on his hand. It might be my imagination, but it feels like he tightens his hold on me, as if he is welcoming my touch.

"Then I'll destroy you too, Hayden. I destroy everything. Everything I touch, that I care about. I destroy.”

His words make me hurt. Is he going to tell me about Annabelle now? I want to know. I want to help him. If ever a man needed help, it would be Michael right now. I reach up and kiss his forehead, forgetting my own anger in the face of his despair, and I give him honesty again. Big honesty. Honesty that could truly destroy me.

“I wasn’t much before you came into my life, Michael. You helped me learn to breathe again. To appreciate life. I love you. The only way you could destroy me, is if you leave.”

Michael’s body stiffens. He growls under his breath and his hand tightens to bruising force. Maybe I said too much, but the words are out there, hanging between us and damning me. I can’t call them back. All I can do is hang on and see what Michael does next.





102





Beast





“Shut up,” I growl, the alcohol numbing my brain enough to dull some of the pain, but I know what she said. She has no right to say it.

“Michael—”

“What we do with each other has nothing to do with love, Hayden. I gave you my dick. It’s just fucking,” even as I say the words, I regret them. I regret them because it looks like each sentence wounds her.

Her hand flinches within my hold and still, like an asshole, I don’t let go. I want her to hurt. I want her to hurt like I do. I need someone else to feel the pain I feel inside—to know the agony of your soul being destroyed.

“Then why did you promise me more? Why did you even bother making me believe in you?” she asks, her voice quiet—too quiet.

“I didn’t promise anything,” I lie, wanting her to leave. Wanting her to just leave me alone to rot. She jerks her hand hard, but for some reason, I still don’t let go.

“What was that you were saying? How you’d make sure I have nothing but good memories? So many good ones there’s no room for the bad ones? Wasn’t that it, Michael? What was that? Was it all just bullshit?” she cries, and she pulls on her hand again, and when I still don’t loosen my hold she screams at me. “Let me go!”

“What is it you want me to say? That I shouldn’t have said those things? I shouldn’t have! It’s your fault! You look at me with those eyes, you make me want things I shouldn’t want, need things I have no business needing. You make me forget when I shouldn’t! I can’t forget! Damn you, Hayden you make me want to live again!”

“What’s wrong with that? I don’t understand! Why are you so mad at me? What did I do? One minute, we’re discussing dinner and the next minute, you just walk out the door without a word. Why, Michael? What did I do?” she cries again. There are tears gathering in the corner of her eyes, so thick that I can see them, even in the dim light.

“I told you! You made me forget!” I growl at her, jumping off the couch and all but pushing her away. When I make it about three or four steps away, I shake my head to try and ward off the dizzy feeling that overcomes me.

Hayden wobbles on her knees, falling on her side, but catching herself with her hands. Even in my drunken state, guilt hits me.

“Forget what?” she asks, her voice shaking, and I don’t know if it’s from fear of me, or just being upset. Either way, I know I’m to blame and I hate it. It’s one more thing to add to my list of failures.

“Just go home, Hayden,” I tell her, so tired I feel it in my bones.

“Forget what?” she literally screams, rising up to her feet. She slaps the wall and flips the light switch on. The harsh light causes me to squint as my eyes adjust, and as I focus on Hayden, I realize exactly what emotion she’s dealing with—anger and it’s directed all at me.

“Annabelle!” I scream back, tired of thinking, tired of hurting, tired of everything.

“That’s why you’re upset?” she asks, and I close my eyes as a wave of dizziness takes over.

“Yes,” I mutter weakly, and I think I’m swaying on my feet. I feel Hayden’s hands on my stomach and back, and I look to my side and she’s standing there trying to guide me to a seat. I stumble, doing my best to remain on my feet. Finally, I give in and throw myself into the chair.

“How do I make you forget Annabelle? I don’t understand, Michael,” she says, her voice softer. She stands over me, and I look at her and the pain and guilt I feel over Annabelle and for Hayden all collide.

Enough. I’ve simply had enough. How much is one man supposed to withstand?

“Yesterday was my daughter’s birthday, Hayden. Yesterday was her birthday, and instead of remembering her, instead of trying to hold onto her, I didn’t even think about her. Not one thought. Instead, I was losing myself in you, in your body.”

“Your daughter?” she whispers stunned. “Michael—”

“You think you want a life with me, Hayden? You don’t even know me. I’m no better than, Blade.”

“Bullshit, you can never make me believe that, Michael. I…Oh God, honey, I didn’t realize you lost a child, but you can’t stop living. You’re here. You have to live.”

“I don’t. I don’t deserve to live.”

“Of course you do. Annabelle would want you to live,” she says, and in this moment, I could truly despise her.

“Live? What for, Hayden? So I can pretend to be happy? To make a life using you and your daughter to fill up the emptiness that is slowly eating me up inside? Because that’s all I’ve been doing, and I think it’s clear that’s not working.”

“You…You…are you saying you’re using me and Maggie? I won’t believe that, Michael. What we shared together…it’s not a lie. It can’t be. You’re not that kind of man. You wouldn’t do that,” she argues—defending me. It’s time to show her everything.