Beast: Learning to Breathe (Devil's Blaze MC #5)

“Motherfucker. Damn it, Hayden…”

“It’s not easy stopping drugs cold-turkey. It’s even harder trying to hide that you’re doing it. I managed to though, and what I began to see scared me. It scared me so much that I began planning on how I could escape.”

“That’s enough, Hayden.”

I ignore him yet again, continuing on…just wanting the story finished. “But even while planning on leaving, I didn’t stop sleeping with Blade, Michael,” I tell him and it’s then that the tears start to fall. Maybe they were falling before, but I don’t think so. Memories wash over me and that feeling that always comes with it…that feeling of being…less…of being dirty hits me. “I was scared of what would happen if I refused him. Terrified. Do you see, Michael? Do you see how truly weak I am? I let him crawl into bed with me, even knowing what kind of man he was. I let him touch me, I let him inside my body. It wasn’t rape. I let him. I did everything he asked in the bedroom, just to keep him happy—all while trying to find a way to leave.”

Memories hit me. Memories of Blade kissing me, of his hands moving over my body. The remembrances of the smell of alcohol on his breath and the horrible things he’d say to me, while he thrust inside of me.

“I let him have my body,” I gasp, the tears falling harder. “Out of fear,” I whisper, feeling broken. I let my head fall against the window. “He wasn’t concerned that I was crying, didn’t notice that I wasn’t aroused…he simply didn’t care.” My hand moves to my neck. I’m completely lost in the memories now. “I can still feel the way he would hold me, tightening his hand tighter and tighter, until I couldn’t breathe. His laughter would get louder every time the panic took over and, I would dig my nails into his back, drawing blood. I can still remember how he would roll off me, light up a cigarette, pull up his pants and walk back out, never looking back. He’d laugh and tell the boys I was feeling extra wild tonight, and I’d lay in bed feeling used and dirty….” I drift off, for the moment I’m not able to speak, to give voice to the darkness inside of me.

“Shh…Hayden, no more,” Michael says into my neck, as he comes up behind me, putting a hand on each of my arms. “That’s enough, Beauty,” he whispers gruffly, kissing the pulse that’s pounding in my throat. It’s not enough, though. I have to finish the whole story, because I never want him to ask me again.

Never again….





86





Beast





I’m a fucking idiot. A motherfucking idiot. I never should have insisted Hayden tell me this shit. It doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t have mattered if she told me she was married to the asshole. I still would have claimed her as mine. There’s no going back, there never was. Before Hayden, I was ready to die. Fuck, I wanted to die. I’m being a complete selfish prick, but Hayden makes life bearable. I’m keeping her. The only thing her telling me has done is ensure Blade’s fate is a hell of a lot more painful.

“Michael,” she cries, when I reach under the back of her legs and lift her up into my arms. “What are you doing?”

“I want you in our bed, with my arms around you,” I scowl, my voice sounds angry, and I know she thinks it’s directed at her. It’s not, I’m angry at myself—not Hayden. I put her through hell, I should have left it alone. I lie down on the bed, taking her with me and settling her beside me. I hold her close and gently brush her tears away. I hate them, because they’re my fault. She shouldn’t have had to shed more tears, not after losing her friend tonight. She should never shed more tears because of that fucking prick Blade. Killing him will be a damn pleasure. “I’m sorry, Beauty. Quit crying. It’s over now. You’ll never have to deal with him again. I promise you.”

“You can’t promise me that, Michael. He won’t stop. Charlie is dead because of him and he’ll keep trying until he succeeds. He warned me of that once. I should have listened,” she whispers, her eyes downcast, refusing to look at me.

I put my hand under her chin and pull her face up, so that she doesn’t have a choice but to look at me. “I can promise that. I’m going to kill him, Hayden. I’m going to make sure he never breathes the same air as you again. The only question left is how painful I make it.”

“I don’t want you to do that.”

“Do you care what happens to him?” I ask, in disbelief.

“He’s dangerous, Michael.”

“He’s a nuisance, a boy trying to prove he’s a threat. He’s nothing, Hayden. I promise you. Whatever you think he is, I’m capable of much worse.”

“You’re not. You could never be like him, not even at your worst. That’s not who you are,” she denies, vehemently. She shakes her head slightly to add weight to her claim. She doesn’t really know me at all. Not the animal inside.

I should feel guilt, because I’m the man who helped bury her brother six feet under. Now, I only wish I was the one who killed him to begin with.

“I can be worse,” I warn her, because she doesn’t need to see me falsely. I want her to know the truth about me, I don’t want to hide my past. It’s me, even if I plan on never going back to it.

“Don’t say that,” she cries, and her body tenses up against me. I twist so my upper body is over hers, with about four inches of space between us. She reaches her hands up to hit my chest. “You are not like him. The man I’ve been sleeping with, the man who bought furniture for my daughter and has protected me, he is not evil.”

“Hayden—”

Before I can try and calm her down, she reaches down and hooks my shirt she’s wearing and whisks it over her head.

For a minute, I stare down at her confused, not sure what she’s getting at. There’s a vibe coming off of her that I don’t like. It’s a mixture of fear, hurt and anger.

“You wouldn’t force a woman to stay with you. You wouldn’t do that when she tried to leave because you promised her to your buddies!”

“Hayden, wouldn’t do what? Promised you to…What are you talking about, Beauty?”

“The last three months at the Dwellers’ clubhouse, Blade had been visiting my bed at night less and less. I wasn’t being watched as closely. He was getting tired of me. I was planning my escape, I was taking my time, because I knew I’d only get one shot and if I failed, I would die. But, I heard him,” she says, her body is shuddering underneath me, it’s not because she’s cold though. She’s not in a panic attack, but the emotions are similar.

“Hayden, sweetheart, it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over, I told you, you never have to go back there.”