Beast: Learning to Breathe (Devil's Blaze MC #5)

“If it wasn’t for me, she’d still be alive,” I tell him, my confession is quiet, shaky and full of guilt.

“That’s bullshit. You are not to blame for that,” he rumbles, his voice vibrating in the darkness full of emotion. “That son of a bitch Blade is the only person to blame for this. He’s the one person who needs to feel the guilt. He needs to choke on it, right before he takes his last breath,” he adds, and his words are harsh and full of anger. They could almost scare me.

“Michael, you don’t—”

“He’s going to die, Hayden. His fate is sealed. If I don’t do it, Victor will. It’s just a matter of time.”

I don’t know what to say in response to that, not really. Anything I could say would make me a hypocrite, or make me sound like a horrible human being. So, I don’t respond, at least not for a few minutes. I think back over the night and the pain that I saw etched on Victor Torasani’s face. He loved Charlie. She always spoke of her ex and how she missed him, I mostly assumed he had died, so meeting Victor was a shock.

“It’s sad really, if you think about it,” I say mostly to myself, as visions of the way Victor held Charlie’s hand when I left the room come back to mind.

“What’s that, Beauty?”

“He was in love with her. What would it be like to have someone that meant the world to you, that you loved even into your old age, and yet not be able to make it work?”

“I’m not the person to ask about that,” he answers, cryptically.

“Why? You don’t believe in love?”

“No. I know love is real. It’s just people always manage to fuck it up…to fail.”

“I know I did,” I confess.

“What do you mean?”

“Michael, you can’t fail any more than I already have with Maggie.”

He reaches over and turns the bedside light on. Then, pushing his pillows against his back, he sits up, leaning against the headboard and looks at me. He does all this while I’m blinking, still trying to adjust to the light.

“Explain what you mean with that shit, Hayden,” he demands, and the anger in his voice can’t be mistaken, but this time I think it might be directed at me.

Oh boy.





84





Beast





“I think it’s pretty self-explanatory,” Hayden says with a wistful breath, looking up at the ceiling.

It’s been a fucking exhausting day. From the shit with the fucking preacher, to watching Hayden grieve over Charlie, all of it has just made this day get worse and worse… and it’s not finished.

After Hayden goes to sleep, I still need to meet Victor at what’s left of Blade’s club. That’s where he had the preacher taken to, and I’m supposed to help interrogate him. Who knows what fucked-up shit I will learn there. Jesus, and to think I came to North Carolina for quiet. Hell, I came to North Carolina to die. It took one woman to fuck all that up. One beautiful, amazing, very pregnant woman.

“Not to me.”

“Look at me, Michael. I’m a mess. I go into full meltdown mode without warning. I got someone I cared about killed—”

“That wasn’t you, Hayden.”

“It was because of me, and no matter how much you deny that, it won’t change the truth. Even you, Michael. You came here and you don’t have to be real smart to figure out you wanted to be left alone, and look what I’ve dragged you into? What kind of mess will I be bringing Maggie into? How am I supposed to protect her, when I can’t protect anyone else I care about?”

“Does that mean you care about me?” I ask her, like a stupid fool, grabbing hold of the only thing that matters to me in all of what she said.

“Really?” she asks, her head jerking up to look at me. “You’re going to ask me that?”

“I want to know,” I tell her, avoiding her eyes. It would make me look like a sad-fuck who was addicted to her pussy if she knew how important her answer is to me. Shit, that’s exactly what I am. I should be helping her grieve the loss of her friend, holding her until she sleeps, and instead, I’m lying here with my dick half hard, wondering if I could get away with burying my head between her legs.

“Of course, I care about you. I slept with you, Michael.”

“That’s not exactly a requirement for most people, Hayden.”

“It is for me.”

“You slept with Blade,” I remind her, the words out of my mouth before I can stop them. When her body tenses against mine, I realize it’s a mistake I’m going to regret even more.

“I told you, I cared about Blade at first. I never would have slept with him if I hadn’t. I was… young and stupid.”

“Apparently,” I breathe out, tired of hearing how she cared about this asshole. He’s a waste of space, a sorry excuse for air, and I cannot for the life of me figure out how she ever gave him the time of day. Hayden is so much better than him. Jesus, she’s so much better than me.

Hayden gets out of bed and looks at me. She’s wearing one of my shirts and this one comes down past her knees. The short sleeves fall half-way down on her arm. Her hair is ruffled and flowing around her face and down past her shoulders. It’s probably the wrong time to admire how truly beautiful she is.

“What is it you want to hear from me, Michael? Do you want to hear the whole sordid story? Will that somehow make you understand? Because I warn you, Michael, it’s not pretty and I’m not even sure I understand, and I lived the whole damn story. I lived it, and it sure as hell doesn’t make it better for me.” I really should stop her.

It shouldn’t matter, and mostly it doesn’t. But, I’m a bastard and I find I have to know. So, even knowing I may regret pushing her further, I don’t stop. “Tell me.”





85





Hayden





“I could hate you right now,” I whisper, turning away from him. If I’m going to tell this story, I can’t do it looking at him. I don’t have that much courage. Will it change how he sees me? Will he leave? When he finds out how stupid I am…was…how stupid I was—will he want nothing more to do with me? With Maggie?

I walk to the window. I stare up at the moon and use the next few minutes to try and bring order to my chaotic thoughts. I close my eyes and try to breathe, knowing this will hurt. For so long, I’ve dealt with memories and nightmares, but I beat them down. I didn’t want to remember. I didn’t want to relive that time. I ran from Blade and the Dwellers, but I also ran from the person I was. Can I make Michael understand that? It’s so important I reach him. He didn’t know I cared about him? I care too much.

“Hayden?” Michael asks, his voice softer, and I think I hear a trace of regret.

I want to beg him to just let it go, but I don’t. I need to get this out, if only to know for sure if Michael isn’t the man I hope he is.

“At first, when I learned that my brother had sold me to the Dwellers, I didn’t understand. This is America, right? These things don’t happen. We have laws. I have rights. It didn’t take long before I realized that I had nothing. My brother used me to try and save his own skin. I was a payment—nothing more, nothing less.”