"The fuck? Big on presents, is he?"
"This house used to belong to some TV producer whose spouse was the ultimate Hollywood housewife. There was also a huge room that housed her extensive range of designer handbags, but Liam converted that one into a gym."
"Really? So, now his handbags are homeless? Tragic. At least he can wrap presents to his heart's content."
"Don't laugh. The previous owners only left because they decided this house wasn't big enough for them. They ended up moving to an even more ridiculous McMansion that featured three gift wrapping rooms."
"Well, now you're just making shit up to mess with me."
"Not at all. True story."
Josh makes a disgusted noise. "Just when I think rich people can't get any weirder ..." He goes toward the hall. "I'll be right back. Maybe. If you don't hear from me in a few hours, send out a search party."
As it turns out, he's only gone for five minutes, and when he returns, he's carrying an enormous gift basket wrapped in polka dot tissue paper and topped with a giant red bow.
"Just a hunch," Josh says, "but I'm guessing it's a mix tape." He places it on the bench and hands me a small envelope. "It came with this."
I pull out the card.
Darling Liss,
Now you can see what all the fuss is about. I'll expect a full report when I see you.
Enjoy.
Love, Liam.
Ps. Bring this stuff on our trip. I want to see what you've learned by then.
"From Quinn, I take it?" Josh asks, trying to read over my shoulder.
"Uh ... yeah."
"So, come on," he says as he starts tearing away the tissue paper. "Let see what's he's sent. Maybe it's a puppy!"
"Josh, wait—"
Before I can even finish the sentence, the paper falls away to reveal an impressive range of sex toys, including half a dozen vibrators of various shapes and sizes, something that looks like a butterfly headband, and a bunch of porn in both magazine and Blu-ray form.
Josh's eyes widen as he notices a particularly large and realistic-looking dildo. "What the ever loving fuck?!" He covers his face and backs away. "My eyes! My poor, innocent eyes!"
I laugh and pick up one of the Blu-rays. "Well, that's what you get when you unwrap someone else's gift, Mr. Nosy."
Josh peeks through his fingers. "What the hell is wrong with your man, Elissa? Most guys send flowers or chocolates. Maybe jewelry if they're hankering for a blow job. But Quinn sends you half a sex shop? Has he no respect for my delicate sensibilities?"
"I don't think he expected you to see it."
"Clearly. Freak."
"So I take it you've never sent Angel a giant latex dong? Sheesh. Some boyfriend you are."
Josh crosses his arms over his chest and glares. "Do you think I'm stupid? Why the hell would I give her something that big, that can do things no natural penis can?"
"Like what?"
He grabs one of the vibrators. "Check this out." He presses a button, and the tip of the thing starts rotating one way, while the body rotates the other. The whole shaft buzzes with powerful vibrations. "See? No man can compete with that. This can reach erogenous zones scientists haven't even discovered yet."
"Should I ask how you know this?"
He turns off the vibrator and throws it onto the counter. "One of the girls I used to date always insisted I finish her off with one of these pieces of crap, no matter how much amazingness she'd experienced with Magic Mike. Seems a regular penis didn't cut it for her. It was humiliating. Quinn has no idea he's just opened himself up to being second best for your vagina, forever."
I laugh, because seriously, I don't think Liam will ever have any competition where my vagina is concerned, but as close as Josh and I are, I don't think saying that would help right now.
Josh rubs the back of his neck and looks around. "So, now that we've experienced yet another session of oversharing in our long and glorious friendship, can we do something fun? Wanna go bowling?"
I think about it for a second. "That depends. Do I have to put on pants?"
"Nope, but be warned, you may want that extra protection when I kick your ass."
"Dream on, Kane. Dream on."
Without warning, he lunges forward and slaps my ass, hard. Then he runs down the hallway toward the bowling alley, chuckling like an idiot all the way.
I grab the largest dildo from the gift basket and race after him.
Oh, it is ON.
THREE
Better Not Pout
November 30th, Present Day
The Home of Charles and Maggie Holt
New York City, New York
"Ethan, come on."
"No."
"Seriously? Your baby sister tells you she needs your help, and you refuse? What kind of a monster are you?"
"The kind who isn't discussing this any further. Go ask Cassie."