Abby took a deep breath.
“For so long, I was scared of everything, Lil. School and work, even the grocery store was a nightmare. Everything I did filled me with this dread that I couldn’t explain. I was so angry and so lonely and so… so lost. I thought you coming home would fix it, but it’s all still there. Bubbling inside me. Churning around. I want to get rid of it. I want to be strong and I’m getting there. Some days, I wake up, and I almost feel like my old self, like the Abby I was before you left. I want to laugh again. I want to be able to hold my son and sleep with Wes without worrying that it’s all going to go away. I’m learning how to deal with everything. I’m coming to terms with what I’ve done. I killed someone and I have to live with that. I can’t half ass my recovery. I have to be a hundred percent. For Wes. For David. But especially for you, Lilypad.”
Lily sat there, not quite knowing what to say or do. Ever since that day in the jail when Abby hugged her, when she realized what her sister had done, all Lily wanted was to make things right. But if this was what Abby wanted, Lily had to honor her wishes.
“Then I’ll stop fighting. For now. But you can’t give up. Promise me you’ll do whatever it takes to get back to us.”
“You know I will.”
Lily took a deep breath, forcing herself not to cry. “Enough of this,” Abby said. “Mom mentioned on the phone that you had some good news.”
Lily hesitated. “I told her not to mention it.”
“Come on, Lil, you’re not holding out on me, are you?”
Lily smiled and reached into her bag and pulled out a letter. Abby quickly scanned the paper.
“You got into Bucknell?”
“A full scholarship. Can you believe it?”
“Hell yes I believe it! My sister’s a genius,” Abby said, beaming. She held up the acceptance letter, showing it off to the nearby orderly.
“Reuben, my sister got into college. Isn’t that amazing?”
He grinned and gave them the thumbs-up. Lily grabbed the letter from Abby, fighting to stop from blushing. Abby was studying Lily. Her smile quickly faded.
“Okay, what’s the hangdog expression about? This is great news. You should be jumping up and down.”
Lily rarely talked about her troubles. The last thing she wanted to do was waste her limited time with Abby discussing her problems.
“I’m just not sure I’m ready.”
“You are so ready. It would be crazy not to go. And we all know that I’m the expert on crazy,” Abby said with a wry laugh.
But Lily was struggling, wrestling with this decision. “I’ll be older than all the students.”
“Who cares? Some people go back to school when they’re fifty. This is your chance at having something normal. At being normal. Don’t you want that?”
Lily wanted that, almost as much as she wanted Abby out of this place. She’d been discussing it with Dr. Amari, who kept telling her that it would be a big step forward in her recovery. Money wasn’t an issue. Lily had more than enough money for tuition. She’d thought about NYU or UCLA—all the places she’d imagined going when she was sixteen and anything was possible. But she had to be close to Abby and Eve, and Sky needed stability and familiar surroundings. Lily had checked out other local schools, but Bucknell University was the closest, and they offered a great sustainable design program. Lily started gardening as a way to remember her father, a hobby to get her out of the house, but it had evolved into a passion. The thought of creating beauty out of chaos as a landscape designer appealed to her.
“Lilypad, listen to me. We can’t go back and change things. Not that day Rick stole you from us. Not the eight years we lost. Not that day…” Abby never spoke about what happened in the courtroom, at least not to Lily. “But the future, that’s all you.”
Lily promised Abby she’d think about it. There was always so much more they wanted to discuss, but visiting hours were over. Lily hugged Abby good-bye, her sister whispering in her ear. Lily always hated this moment, saying good-bye. Even though she saw Abby once a week and they talked on the phone daily, it was never enough. Not when they had to make up for lost time.
Abby kissed Lily’s forehead, staring into her eyes.
“Don’t let him steal one more thing from you, Lilypad. Not one more thing.” As the orderly led Abby away, Lily still felt uncertain. If she didn’t go to school, if she turned down this opportunity, all of Abby’s sacrifices would be for nothing. But moving forward meant accepting that this was Abby’s life. Could she do that? Could she really leave Abby behind? Leave her here? Lily sank down into the chair, paralyzed by indecision. After all they’d been through, all they’d managed to overcome, they were more identical than ever and yet still worlds apart.
EPILOGUE
LILY